When I think of you
‘Torn’ fromThe Brink of Teenage Freedom
Setting out early pays off and we make it to Liverpool in the afternoon.
‘Do you want to take a look around before you go to Manchester?’ he says.
I look at my watch. ‘Yeah, I have some time.’
We start walking around the university.
‘This architecture is amazing,’ says Ty. ‘I wish I had my camera.’
We pass a girl with an open day T-shirt on and a witch’s hat for Halloween. She hands us a prospectus each. My immediate instinct is to refuse, but it seems to cause more confusion and I leave with the prospectus in my hand.
‘Sure you’re not interested in coming here?’ says Ty, nodding towards the prospectus.
‘It’s so far from home,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘That’s my whole problem. I don’t want to leave Mum to go to university. Not because I need her and I’m scared of going. But because sheneeds me. What is she going to do when I’m not around?’
‘She’ll live her life like she’s always done?’
‘I have images of her being alone in the house without me.’
‘Your mom is super independent. Don’t you think you’re finding more excuses to put this off?’
‘No,’ I say, grasping his arm. ‘Mum’s been injured for years. She’s been unable to do her dream job in London since her knees got so bad. She needs me. But both choices seem awful: go away, have fun, leave her behind. Or stay at home, become a nobody, don’t make anything of myself and watch everyone I know grow up and leave.’
‘Or,’ says Ty, taking the prospectus away from me and tucking it under his arm, ‘you could go to university in London. You could even stay at home if you wanted to.’
‘Would it be the same?’
‘It would be something. But if she’s such a big factor in your decision, I really think you should talk to your mom about it.’ He hands me back the prospectus.
***
Ty drops me off at the train station, a bit later than planned, but we got carried away looking at Beatles memorabilia.
‘So what are you doing tonight?’ says Ty, as we wait for my platform to appear at the station.
‘Tomorrow is Ollie’s birthday. I think he’s going to show me around Manchester. Not really sure exactly what he’s planned.’
‘And he’s meeting you at the station tonight?’
‘Yup,’ I say. Ollie texted me earlier to confirm.
My platform appears. ‘See you on Sunday for our next roadtrip,’ he says, giving me a hug. ‘Let me know if you need anything before then.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ I say, running for the train.
I am excited to see Ollie, even though I am feeling confused about Ty. It feels like we’re just friends, and that near-kiss . . . I banish the thought from my mind. The truth is, liking Ollie is easier. I know him better. We’ve been friends longer. Ty is kind of cranky, obsessive and has baggage about his dad.
He’s also sweet, thoughtful and funny. I push aside the voice in my head.
I need something to distract myself with, so I pull out the prospectus and start flicking through it. It’s the first time I’ve read about a university in any detail. I read about campus life, places you can stay, what sports and clubs there are.
Then I start reading through the English course options. Modules and options on everything from Shakespeare to banned books. What makes good writing. How analysis can make you a better writer. A note from the lead lecturer on how words have power and it’s an honour to teach us all how to use them. They show alumni who have gone on to become novelists, journalists, CEOs.
As I read I imagine myself in the future, making my writing a reality. It’s the first time I’ve really imagined what it could look like. And maybe studying English Literature and Language together would give me the best of both worlds.
