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“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I don’t want you to doubt me or what we’re doing. I’d rather you ask so I can pin you to a tree until you knowexactlyhow I feel.”
I chuff out a laugh, but it’s more disbelief at the way this entire night has spiraled. We should be laughing and eating and listening to music but instead I turned it into a cluster of a situation. The reality of my lack of dating experience and relationships in general feels so overwhelming I can barely breathe.
Why am I doing this?
Why ishedoing this?
“Hey,” Deacon’s voice is gentle as he searches my gaze. “Talk to me.”
“I think I just want to go home.”
“Tanner, please, I?—”
“It’s not you. I just need to catch my breath.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“You didn’t… not really. This is still so new and more than that, it’s new in the way that I never had this with Fallon or even before her.”
“Feelings are uncomfortable. I get it, but I don’t want you to run.”
“I’m not running. I just…” I can feel the walls I’d taken down for him trying to shift back into place. “It’s too much right now.”
“All right,” he concedes as he takes a step back. “I’ll take you home.”
21
DEACON
DEACON: I think I fucked up tonight
JUDE: I’m running on almost zero sleep—what are we talking about? Miscellaneous felony? I really don’t want to fight anyone. Arden will kill me.
DEACON: She’d kill you then me
JUDE: Probably
DEACON: My date with Tanner tonight didn’t go how I thought it would
Instead of a text, my phone rings in my hand and my shoulders slump as I imagine my brother having to take time away from Arden and the baby to deal with me.
“I’m sorry—” I start but he cuts me off.
“It’s not you. Arden said I wasbreathing too hardand it was annoying her because she was trying to relax.”
“Sounds serious.”
“Yeah, well, the faster we can figure out what you did the faster I can get Arden to tolerate me again.”
“You’re not selling this whole relationship thing,” I tease even though we both know I’m lying. I want what he has, and the longer I stand in my kitchen, the more confident I am that I shouldn’t have left Tanner alone.
But what choice did I have?
“Honestly, it’s amazing even when she’s pissed. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.” He clears his throat, and I wait for him to continue, not wanting to comment on such a vulnerable moment. “What happened tonight?”
“We haven’t seen each other much this week and when I picked him up, we got a little carried away.” My dick jumps at the memory of that hot little interaction, and I force myself to take a breath before continuing. “I took him to Brew, Q, ’n Boogie and I told him I wanted to take him somewhere that wasn’t myusualspot.”
