Growling, he grabs my arm and forces me down the hall to the kids’ playroom and pushes me inside, closing the door behind us as he flips on the light.
“What happened?”
“Why does everyone feel the need to shove me into rooms when they want to talk to me?”
“Tanner.”
“It’s nothing. I?—”
“Bullshit,” he snarls, the bite of the word only lessened by the concern in his eyes.
“I overheard a conversation at Jude’s about Deacon always wanting to be a dad. We’ve only talked about having more kids once and I said I don’t want more but?—”
“Don’t or didn’t?”
“I don’t know. But Jude and Arden were trying to push the topic and Deacon was adamant he just wants me.”
“Alright…” he drawls.
“But you should have seen how amazing he was with his niece. His face lit up like holding her in his arms was the greatest gift. He deserves that for himself. He deserves to have the family he wants.”
“You don’t get to assume what that looks like.” He glares pointedly. “Deciding to grow ornotgrow your family is a choice you have to make together. You need to trust him to know what he wants.”
“I know. Thisjusthappened and it’s not like we’ve had a chance to talk about it,” I snap. “It’s a lot to process and I’mtrying.I—” The words die on my tongue, the feelings tumultuous and causing my chest to ache. Deep down I never allowed myself to get to this point, and now I know why. The last several years had been difficult trying to find my bearings.
“You need to trust him to know what he wants.”
Guilt, relief, and uncertainty had become my constant companions. I imagined being thecool uncleto the wild family I’ve become a part of. Briggs made me a dad and that has always been enough. I’ve been content—happier with Deacon in my life—but I hadn’t dared to broach the question of becoming a dad again.
“What are you so afraid of?”
“That I could be holding him back. That part of me is still riddled with guilt at how I turned Fallon’s life upside down whileshe endured being a military wife. That I’m too fucked up from my father’s rejection to be able to provide a stable home and life to start over with a baby.”
My heart is pounding in my chest as I stare at the man who has become one of my best friends.
It feels like I’m bleeding out in front of him, the statement too raw to unleash into the universe. Every time I think I’m past this, something else pops up that has me taking ten steps back. Logically, I know I’m worthy ofmore,but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still on this god damn roller coaster when all I want to do is get off and live my life the way I want it. My path to Clementine Creek and Blackstone Falls was a rocky one, but I still tried to put on a brave face.
What else could I do?
If I’d never met Fallon, I’d still be in the air force, hoping to make my father proud by following in his footsteps and retiring after a long military career.
That thought makes me chuff out a humorless laugh because why thefuckdo I still care what that man thinks? I don’t know if my father has ever said he’s proud of me, and it’s the reason I tell Briggs every single day how incredible he is.
“I’m a mess,” I rasp, dragging my hands down my face.
“You’re me before I almost decked Colt.”
“What? There’s no proverbialother manin this scenario. Hell, it’s not even about right now, but what comes later for us and if we can withstand whatever that is.”
“At the bottom of all of it, you’re still thinking you’re not supposed to be loved or happy or fulfilled when your cup should be overflowing. You can’t get out of your own way, and there’s no amount of therapy or journaling that’s going to change that.”
I glare and he glares back.
“Journaling is cathartic.”
“It can be cathartic and still not help you the way you need,” he fires back, throwing his hands out wide. “I know what it’s like to be loved—have love—and still not be able to accept it. I walked it, Tanner. I sat at your kitchen table when my fucking heart was being ripped out of my chest.”
“But you had a history and?—”
