This time I have trouble shielding myself. Maybe it’s because this visit is so close to the anniversary of the reason that made her leave. So close to the day that ruined my life. The day I dipped my hands in blood, trying to save my mother, only for her to die while I was in Juvie. I got the easy way out, a few years in there, a shield record and a friend who did everything in his power for me to have a chance in life, while my mother had to live with the consequences of my actions.
She had to live with the fact her own son killed his father. I had a good reason, and the judge saw it, but my mother never truly forgave me. She was too deep in the abuse she was living to realize I did her a favor. If I hadn’t kill him, he would have killedher. I couldn’t allow this. Especially after that night. The night I saw him pinning her down against her will, and her pleas for mercy echoed through our old house. The wooden floor creaked under the pressure of him diving into her again and again while she screamed one word. “No.” Every letter of that word, every tear that left her was answered with another thrust, with a punch, with vile words and I couldn’t take it anymore.
A man should respect his wife. A man should respect his partner. The mother of his kid. He should respect his house, the home of his child. But my father wasn’t a man at all. He was a coward. For that, I don’t regret killing him, but by doing so, I also killed my mother, my sister, myself. I ruined our family. My sister was placed in a foster home, and then later she was adopted. I wasn’t as lucky as Kai, didn’t have the opportunity to keep in touch with her. They kept the adoption private to protect her. I wouldn’t want it any other way. If my suffering meant her happiness, I would endure it. And I did. If my suffering meant my mother wouldn’t shed another tear, it was worth it. But was it really? Because my mother shed so many after that night. She became an empty shell of herself. She lost custody of her daughter. And every day that passed since the day I killed my father brought her closer to her death. I thought I was saving her, but did I really? Did I save any of us?
Nadia saw through this. All the guilt, the suffering I caused. She saw right through my fake smiles and brave face, and refused to stay. Could I really blame her for that? Could I really say anything? Could I keep her from walking away when she was right?
I am not caught onto her. I am not still in love with her. I don’t want her back, and if I was honest with myself, I would say that no one other than Noah exists in my head at the moment. But seeing her will always remind me of her words, and that fear of the fact she might beright. It’s not a lover’s regret. It’s justan acknowledgment that I might be too broken to be loved by anyone if she couldn’t love me. The woman who gives her love and smiles to everyone without hesitation. If she couldn’t see past the broken shell of a person I have become, would anyone truly?
Noah
Leo forces a smile on his face, one that I can see right through. He is trying to seem okay, and sometimes that’s what people need. For you to pretend with them, to be there while they fall apart, just pretending it’s not happening. Because not everyone is comfortable with their own psyche. Some people are hiding from themselves. Even though I just met him not too long ago, I can tell Leo is one of them.
“Let’s go inside.” I say, and reach for his hand to lead him through, but he pulls away. I guess he probably doesn’t want to be seen holding hands with a man. Some people are just uncomfortable with that kind of public affection. I am not here to shame him. If he doesn’t want to touch, then it’s fine with me. If he wants me just to be here, then that’s what I am going to do. I won’t even talk if that’s what he needs. Tonight is not about me; it’s abouthim.You can always tell when someone needs support. You just need to have your eyes open.
Besides, even though Kai said he is bisexual and he teased a lot about our time last night being a date, I am still not convinced this man is not just straight. He doesn’t seem like he is; most of his experiences are with women, and he behaves like a straight man. Not that I am judging, I don’t really care about labels. He can identify as a sloth for all I care. It would make no difference to me. I know what I am into, but that’s the only sexuality I care for.Mine.This life we are living is too short to care so much about things that you can’t control. I am proud of who I am that’s all that matters.
“I am sorry.” He whispers. “It’s not what you think. I want to hold your hand, but I can’t.”He can’t. Why? Who’s stopping you, Leo?That makes no sense at all, but sure, tell yourself that. We walk in silence inside the cinema, and he leads the way to where the screening is going to happen. He already has purchased the tickets, and if I was delusional like my friend, I would almost think this as our second date. But if that were a date, we would hold hands, share popcorn, and laugh about the movie. Somehow this feels so far from reality.
“Do you want popcorn?” He asks as we pass in front of the counter on our way to the auditorium, where the movie is going to play. I shake my head. I need to keep this far away from the fantasy that is slowly taking root in my head. This is not a date. This is simply helping a man through a difficult night. I am just a good person.That’s all. It’s just a decent act anyone would do. I am here for someone in need. I have no expectations.
“I think you should have popcorn. You like to snack a lot during reading. I bet that’s also the case for movies.” He approaches the counter without waiting for a response and speaks this time directly to the man behind it. “Just a large one, please. We will share.” He turns to me with one eyebrow raised, as if he is considering what I might like, then adds, “Also, two packets of Maltesers, gummy bears, and a large Coke.” He turns back to me. “I have tickets for two movies. I hope you will stay with me for both. If you need more snacks, we can get more. I am not sure if you have eaten yet, but if you haven’t, we can also get you some food.” I just blink, looking at him, because this man is a mess right now, and instead of falling apart, he is trying to take care of me.Sir, are you confused? I’m here to support you, and instead you’re trying to feed me? What the hell?I am not sure how to feel about this.
Instead of picking a feeling and sticking with it, I feel them all at once. I force myself to smile through the confusion, takingroot inside me. “Thank you. Those are enough. What movie are we watching first?”
“I wasn’t sure if you liked thrillers or comedies or drama. So, I got tickets for ‘The Shining’ and ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, you can’t go wrong with the classics, right? And both of those movies are classics in their own genre.” This cinema plays old movies on Mondays, and it usually goes through a couple of different ones during the week before switching to whatever is new and shiny for the weekend. I love older movies, and it happens that both of the ones he picked are on my top ten. I was already planning to watch ‘the devil wears Prada’ again before we go with Rachel to watch the new one. This is perfect. It would have been a perfect date if it was one, but it’s not. I try to remind myself.This is not a date, Noah. He is just being nice.
“Which one is first?” I ask, trying to keep my excitement from showing.
“ Believe it or not, they’re going to play The Shining first. You would think it would be the movie with the least amount of gore first before they throw the murderer at you, but I guess that order works, too, in a way.”
“I love ‘The Shining’.” I say, and this time my excitement shows through. He smiles. It’s the first smile that isn’t forced. It’s a true smile, one that shows every emotion he is feeling. Sadness, regret, and guilt all peek through. It’s that melancholic type of smile that you only see on people who are suffering in their own minds, yet somehow they are still happy for you. That’s his smile right now. It’s a hint of happiness mixed with torment, and I am dying to know the reason.
We don’t talk more; slowly, we go inside and take two seats in the middle. The theatre is empty, and it feels so much like a date but not at all like one at the same time. He opens the gummy bears and the chocolate goodness he bought, throwing everything into the popcorn. He covers the top with his hand andshakes the paper package carefully until everything is mixed. He puts a straw through the paper cup of Coke and offers it to me.
“I thought it was for you.” I say, with confusion.
“I noticed that you always have a can open next to your wine when you read with Rachel.” He says, and I smirk. I do always have one open. I actually have one open all hours of the day next to me, even though most times I don’t drink more than a few sips.
“So you are admitting to stalking me.” I say with a teasing smile.
“I never hid it, but I only did it because Kai was already watching the feed on the big screen in our living room.” He chuckles. “ At first, at least. You’re nice to watch, Noah. Can you really blame me?” I smile, because now it’s definitely a date. A messed-up date that should never happen, but it will anyway. I take a long sip from my drink.
“Cheers to our second date, then.” I announce, half joking and half hoping he’ll agree with me, and Leo smiles. He leans over to me and places a soft kiss on my forehead. That’s all the agreement I need from him. This soft kiss that says all the words his mouth won’t spill.
“Thank you for being here, pretty boy.” He get comfortable into his seat and places the package of pop corn and candy between his legs. He offers his hand to me, and in the low light of the room I see the scab of bloody nail wounds on his skin. I used to do that too, years ago. I recognize so well those bloody marks. Now, I understand. It wasn’t shame for me keeping him from holding my hand. He was protecting himself from unwanted judgment. I smile to myself, to the idea of this man letting himself be just a little vulnerable around me. Something unexpected, that I will cherish as much as he allows me. I place mine onto his and he pulls our hands together until they rest on his thigh. The movie starts, and my smile gets wider as the firstscene plays in front of us. Leo watches the movie, and I watchhim.
Leo
Do you ever get sad, horny? I don’t mean sad because you’re horny, but that desire that comes after a very depressive state. You know the state that you want both to cry and to come at the same time.No? Just me? Oh, well.That’s exactly what’s happening right now. Half way through the second movie, with Noah never letting go of my hand and the snacks long gone, I find myself wanting another type of release. I mean eating junk and watching comfort movies helped a lot, but right now I really would like something else in my mouth. I am usually a top, but I would never pass the opportunity to provide pleasure. Besides, is there a better way to say ‘thank you for staying with me while I am a mess’ to someone than giving them oral? I would say no.
I shift my body slightly and lean over to Noah’s seat. He stays still, watching the movie while I kiss his neck softly. It’s a hesitant kiss, almost barely touching his skin with my lips. He doesn’t react but I can feel his whole body tense next to me. I place another kiss, my lips pressing firmly on the side of his neck, and then another, and another. I kiss and bite while Noah pretends to watch a movie I am pretty sure he has watched countless times before. I caught him twice already whispering the lines with the actors and I can admit it was fucking adorable. So adorable that I want to see if I can make him lose his mind while still watching.
“What are you doing?” He whispers when my hand travels down his body, passing over the fabric of his shirt, feeling every muscle on his body until I find the button of his jeans.
“Nothing.” I say with a chuckle.
“I can see that.” His tone is firm, but his lips curl into a smirk, and I take it as a green light. I unbutton his jeans and reach under the fabric of his boxers. He is not hard, yet, but not soft either. He is in that state where your body starts to wake up slowly, and things can get heated fast or not at all. It’s a bingo situation that I love to see how far I can take. The only type of gamble I am into.
