Chapter11
Macie
Talking to the cops was harder than I imagined it would be.Before Darren and I left the station, I was promised that they'd be on the lookout for Gerald.It should make me feel better, but it doesn't.
"You don't have to go home, you know."
I glance up from where I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher.Sitting around doing nothing was wearing on my nerves, and Darren's letting me stay here, so the least I can do is help with chores."I can't stay here forever," I argue."You have a life, and a daughter.You go back to work the day after tomorrow."
He hums in his throat."I do, but that doesn't mean you can't stay here."
In just the few hours I've been here, it's felt like home.My apartment that I've lived in for the past four years doesn't.It's hard to admit that, because I've tried to live my best life, but it's always felt like something was missing.A hole that I could never fill.It wasn't gaping, necessarily, but it was there.And from the moment I stepped into this house, it started to close."I don't know Darren, it might be confusing to Nicole."
"You let me worry about that.You're not going back to work the day after tomorrow, are you?"He questions, his dark gaze looking at me pointedly.
"No, I got a text from my supervisor that they want me off until the bruising starts to go away."
"Don't."His voice is strong and demanding."Don't look down at the ground like this is your fault.You're blaming yourself and there's absolutely nothing you could've done to prevent this."
Realistically I know he's right, but there's a lot of guilt I feel, too."I know."
"Do you?Because I'm worried that you don't.I've talked to a lot of victims and survivors.There's always a little sliver of guilt that lives within them, and I don't want you to have that."
I swallow roughly around the tightness in my throat."You're right, I do have a little bit of guilt.There's a part of me that thinks if I'd just let the man believe he might be able to see his child, all of this would've been different," I start."I'm really worried that I've made things worse for the mother."
"Police are taking care of her," he says quietly, crossing his arms across his chest."They have officers posted, until Gerald is arrested."
That's such a relief that I put my hand on the counter to prop myself up."I've been so worried that they're in danger."
"They are, and so are you."His voice is clipped."I don't want to scare you, but you should be aware that he's not been arrested yet.Which is why I'm trying to convince you to stay here instead of going home."
Those words hit me right in the chest.He's correct, as long as Gerald is out in the world, there's no telling what he might do."Okay, can you at least take me by so I can get some of my clothes and toiletries?"
"Yeah, I'll get Ella to come stay with Nic."
"I can go by myself," I argue, needing some sense of self back.I've always been so independent.Having to depend on someone is annoying and not what I'm used to.
"The fuck you will.That's not happening.I'm not letting you go over there by yourself."
"I can ask Dakota," I give him an easy out, because I'm still not completely sure he's not just being nice to me.
His eyes darken."No, no you're not going to ask Dakota.If you need help, I'm going to be the one to help you."
"I just don't want you to feel like you have to," I admit, pulling my bottom lip in between my teeth, hating the fact that my vulnerabilities are showing.I've never been the type of person who had to ask for help, and now since I showed up on his doorstep, all I've done is ask for help.
I watch as he spreads his feet so that he's down on my level and can look into my eyes."I've never done anything because I've felt like I had to, Macie.Not even when my marriage was ending and I knew it would be easier to let my ex-wife have Nic.But that wasn't what was fair to Nicole, and it wasn't what I wanted.I don't take the easy way out.Ever."
All of this, I know.He's the steadiest man I know when it comes to being there for the people he cares about.I just didn't realize that I was one of those people."I know you're there for your people, but I didn't realize I was one of them," I admit, almost embarrassed, because it means so much.
"Fuck."
The rough sound of his voice surprises me.
"The fact that we've been hanging out for a few months, and you don't know you're one of my people guts me."He closes his eyes."It just reinforces that I have a hard time trusting people and showing them what they mean to me, since I got divorced.I apologize for that."
"It's okay."This is one of the things I hate about myself.If someone apologizes I feel as if I have to accept it.
"No it's not.I don't believe in getting let off easy."He reaches back, scratching his neck."My marriage left me with scars I'm not sure I'll ever want to discuss.Which compounded the abandonment issues I have, even though I was adopted by a really great family.It's not hard to be myself with Nicole.She's my favorite person in the world.She expects a lot of me, but I never want to let her down.So I make sure I come through with her where it counts."
