“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I don’t want to overstep.”
“You really haven’t heard anything about it? Even working at the station?”
I offer her a soft smile in what I hope comes across as reassurance. Reaching across the small distance between us, I settle my hand on hers. “The only thing I’ve heard is that he was a police officer and a hero, and I heard that from Jake.” Her brows pinch as her gaze lifts back to mine. “He mentioned it when we did the fire safety demonstration at his school.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” she says with a gentle laugh. “He’s been obsessed with community helpers since he was a toddler.” She falls silent for a moment as tears well in her eyes. “I wanted him to know about his dad, but there’s no guidebook for this. Nobody tells you how to handle explaining death to a child.”
I have no idea how to respond to something like that. Instead of speaking, I shift closer to her, my hand tightening around hers. “I’m here, Tess. For as much or as little as you want to share with me.”
Chapter seventeen
Tessa
Iknewthiswascoming. I knew there was no way we could begin a relationship without him knowing about this piece of me—the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. Part of me is kind of surprised it took him until now to ask. I figured once he met Jake, he would’ve been curious enough to ask what my story was right away. I’m honestly not sure which would be better: telling him right away or waiting until things have gotten serious.
I’m not worried about him walking away, at least not yet. He knows I’m a mom, and he’s still here. He’s still pursuing me, and I don’t think he would be if he weren’t at least interested in seeing where things go. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to lead someone on, but then again, I’m only basing that on one amazing night of sex and the few interactions we’ve had.
Logan is as flirty as they come, and he knows exactly how handsome he is, even if he isn’t cocky about it. For all I know, he could simply be trying to get another night out of me. But that’s my pessimistic side talking. In truth, he hasn’t done anything to make me feel like his intentions aren’t sincere. And if that’s the case, I owe him this. He deserves to know what exactly he’s getting himself into.
“Jake has never met his dad.” I don’t know why those are the first words to fly out of my mouth, and my stomach twists with the way they burst free. I knew we would have this conversation eventually. I should’ve sat down with a piece of paper and taken the time to figure out what exactly I wanted to say. To get my thoughts and feelings in order before everything comes tumbling out of me in a giant, incoherent mess. “I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after he died. We’d been trying for a little while,” I murmur, my cheeks burning with the simple admission.
He remains quiet and steady beside me as his thumb strokes across the back of my hand in soft, soothing motions. He’s not rushing to speak or offer his condolences. Instead, he’s giving me space to breathe, to try and compose my thoughts.
I can’t remember the last time I talked to anyone about this.
“The night of the accident… I had a feeling. My period was a little late, and I’d been more tired than usual. Ryan had to work, so I made a plan to tell him over dinner. I had already bought several tests, but I wanted to wait and take them when he was home.” My voice cracks with the last few words as pressure begins to press on my chest and builds behind my eyes, tears rising to the surface. One slips free, and I quickly reach up to wipe it away.
It has been just over six years since I lost him, but talking about him like this always brings the heartache to the surface.Ryan never came home.
With a shuddering breath, I continue. “He called and said that he would be home late. They’d gotten a call about someone out on Willowbend Bridge, and he and his partner were the closest to it at the time. When Zack showed up hours later in the middle of the night, I knew.”A few more tears roll down my cheeks, and I lift my hand to wipe them away, but Logan beats me to it.
His fingertips are gentle across my cheek as he wipes away the escaped tears. Curling his arm around my shoulders, he pulls my body into his side, holding me close as a gentle sob works its way out of my chest. “I’ve got you, Tess,” he says, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of my head.
Why is this hitting me so hard? It’s been years, and this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation. But it is the first time I’ve told it to a man I’m interested in romantically.
“It was the one thing that Ryan had always instilled in me. If he was ever at work, and another officer showed up at our door, something had gone wrong.” I can feel his head nod against mine, his hand rubbing soothing strokes up and down my bicep.
His voice is low as he says, “We’re the same way.” He clears his throat. “I mean, I’ve had friends say they tell their families and spouses something similar.”
I hate that. I hate that something bad happening is common enough among both lines of work that those who do the job have a saying they all teach to their families.
Being a small town, I thought Hartridge would somehow be different. I thought maybe those tragedies wouldn’t happen to the people who live here, but I was wrong. Tragedy may not strike as often as it does in larger towns and cities, but it still happens. When it does, it’s all the more devastating.
His embrace is comforting, and despite the tears still sliding down my cheeks, it gives me the strength to keep going. He needs to hear the entire story to know exactly what he’s getting himself into with me.
“Ryan died trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved,” I murmur. “It wasn’t until weeks later, after his funeral service, that I finally found out I was pregnant. In the back of my mind, I think I knew, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to be a mom if it meant I would be doing it alone.” My heart jolts in my chest with the admission. Now, I couldn’t imagine my life without my son, but at the time, I was stuck in the pit of my depression, and I didn’t see a way out. “I know that sounds terrible,” I admit.
The warmth of his body disappears as his arm falls away and he turns to face me. “It doesn’t sound terrible,” he insists. “I can’t even imagine going through something like that. There’s no guidebook on how to handle losing the person you love, and to go through that sort of grief while bringing a child into this world sounds damn near impossible. But you did it, Tess. You fought your way back into the light.”
It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that no matter where we go from here, he knows about my heart’s greatest ache.
“I know this is too much to dump on you for a first date,” I say, sniffling as I rub my fingers under my eyes to wipe away any remaining tears. “I understand if you want out.”
“It’s not too much, and I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t have asked what happened if I didn’t genuinely want to know the answer.” He reaches forward and tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear. “I wanna know everything there is to know about you, the dark and the light.”
It’s everything I hoped he would say, yet I was preparing for the chance that he might walk away.
“Jake and I are a package deal.” He knows this, but I still feel the need to remind him. “I’m not ready for him to know I’m dating someone, and I’m not even sure he would understand what that means, but I still want him to get to know you. It’s important to me that he’s comfortable with you.”
