“It’s what friends are for, right?”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes as I blow on my tea before taking a sip.
“Anything else worrying you about being back?” JJ asks.
I close my eyes because I know what he’s referring to, and it’s the last thing I want to talk about. It hurts too much because I fucked up—I fucked up so badly that I can’t even justify trying to fix it.
“Talk to me.” JJ nudges his knee into mine. “I know something happened between you and Maya, but you won’t talk to me.”
I place my mug down on the coffee table and stretch my hands behind my head, trying to ignore the gaping hole burning through my chest. “What do you want me to say? It fucking hurts, JJ.”
“What happened?”
My lips part, but nothing comes out.
One day, I was blackout drunk, and the next, she said we were done and that she never wanted to see me again. She wouldn’t even look at me after that and ignored me to the point I thought I was actually invisible.
What destroys me the most is that I can’t even remember why she broke things off with me. I want to know what I did, but I’m also fearful of hearing the truth, especially knowing how reckless I could be.
Maya didn’t deserve that side of me. She was my sunshine in a time when all I saw was darkness. Without that girl, I doubt I’d even be where I am today, and I fucked it all up.
The memory of her tear-stained cheeks and the way she looked at me as if she didn’t even recognise me, lingers. It gutted me, but I’m the only one responsible here.
I inhale deeply. “I messed it up. I pushed her over the edge. She saw who I truly am, and it’s the way it was always meant to be.”
JJ’s forehead creases. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not good for her, JJ.” I turn my attention to him, eyes burning with agony. “I’m never going to be good enough for her. She can do so much better than me; she deserves more than me.”
“No,” he states loudly. “You are doing better, and you deserve to be happy, too, Finn. I know how much you care about her.”
My chest tightens, and I glance away. “I care enough to let her go. I’ll only drag her down, and I don’t want that. We need to move on from each other, or I’ll only end up hurting her again.”
I can’t destroy her, too. I would never live with myself.
“Finn,” JJ sighs, but I don’t want to hear it anymore.
“Please,” I heave. “I don’t want to talk about this. Just stop.”
JJ pauses for a moment. “Alright. But talk about it with your therapist at least; it’s not good to keep these things bottled up. God, you and Ivy are more alike than I realise.”
“We are twins after all.”
“Are you going to tell Silas and Ronan?”
I press my fingers into my eyes as an ache starts to build behind them. “I have to, but I don’t want anyone else knowing. We keep it between us, and I keep my head down this year, get my grades up, and maybe get back into football. No parties, no socials, no going to the pub. None of it. I want a clean slate this year.”
JJ rests his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “I’m so proud of you, brother. I hope you know that.”
His words make me flinch because I’m still working on believing them. To think that anyone is proud of me after the mess I’ve made of my life. It seems stupid.
“I’m learning to accept it,” I admit.
A second later, the door to the house swings open, and a loud entrance is made.
“Anyone home?” I hear Silas shout.
