Chapter 4
Ijolted awake in an empty bed. A partial anxiety attack tickled my nerves as I wondered if I had imagined the night before. Placing my hand to my lips, I was relieved to feel they were tender from the passionate kisses we’d shared. I sat up with a start, and did half a happy dance in my bed. I kissed Kill last night. I stopped, and reiterated.
I. KISSED. KILL. LAST. NIGHT.
My mind halfheartedly tried to berate me for my impulsive actions, but even my regret was sluggish from the effect of Kill's lips.
He’s going to shatter you when he’s done with you,my conscience whispered. My heart plugged its ears, screaming it didn't care.
I was telling him the truth last night as to why I didn’t want to tell D or the rest of the guys about us. Hell, I didn’t even know what we were. All I knew was that I would be the one coming out worse for wear when this thing ended.
The JackholeS were going to hit it big soon. D worked relentlessly to get them into the Tryptophan Torture Fest, and I had no doubt they’d be discovered during the festival, if not sooner. I couldn’t imagine asking Kill to fend off the thousands of sexy fans just to be faithful to the girlfriend he’d left at home. It would be extremely selfish to keep him tied to me when his life was about to change drastically for the better. My heart lurched at the realization—I was only going to get a few months with Kill before I’d have to let him go.
I wasn't going to risk my sanity by worrying about him or his penis while he was on tour, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask Kill to behave like anything but a rockstar. The two scenarios I’d laid out for him the night before were the only two I could logically picture. He would be devoted to me, worrying about my feelings instead of having the time of his life doing what he loved, or he would leap into the role of celebrity without giving me a passing thought. One wasn't fair to him, and the other wasn't fair to me.
The decision I needed to make was whether it would be worth it to have him for those couple months, or if I should just push him away now. After deliberating most of the morning, I decided I wasn’t going to pursue us.
My decision was firm until I looked at my nightstand and saw a brownie sitting proudly next to my phone and iPod, both of which were fully charged. Not only did he get me chocolate, he’d plugged in all of my electronics.Fuck, my heart was going to get crushed when the moment came for them to leave for tour, and I had to end us. The only thing I could hope for was that my soul would somehow stay intact at the end of this.
Kill and I silently tortured each other, brushing against one another any chance we got. When the guys looked away, our lips connected in a heated embrace before we quickly pulled apart.
A gallon of milk gave its life when Kill bent over me and bit the back of my neck. I retaliated by biting his earlobe, one of his more sensitive spots, right before he walked out into the garage for practice. Our actions became more bold as our need to be connected grew stronger. When we were onstage, it was difficult to stop myself from grabbing him and claiming him in front of everyone.
If it hadn’t been for the hostile notes continuously placed on my car, I would’ve thought my luck had finally turned around. A handful of Tums was necessary after each paper encounter, especially since I had to slip them past Kill.
The universe made sure I didn't get a big head as the intensity of the notes started to escalate.
You're mine. This little
rebellion is starting to
wear on my nerves.
and
I'm not going to be
patient much longer.
Each annoyance my behavior incited was reiterated on college-lined notepaper lodged beneath my windshield wipers.
The third day of our relationship landed on my favorite holiday, July 4th, and I was ecstatic. Ray closed down the bar, allowing all of us to celebrate together.
We made plans to go down to the Waterfront, since they were boasting the largest firework show in Portland. I forced everyone to get up early to go to the parade they held downtown. Kill laughed at me as I screamed, “Happy Fourth of July!” to every float as they passed by.
Kill and the boys yelled louder and louder, trying to get the floats to pay attention to them.
"I bet I can get more waves than you," Jet challenged. The competitive gleam in his eyes was unmistakable.
"You're on. Nobody can resist my sexiness," Van told him, moving Jessie off his lap so he could stand.
They both looked at Kill and D who hadn't moved from their seats. "I get it; you're scared," Jet taunted, turning away from them so he could scream at the next float.
"I just don't want to embarrass you," Kill responded, leaning back in his chair like he didn't have a care in the world.
Behind the protection of my sunglasses, my eyes roamed over Kill's body. He looked sexy as sin in his faded blue jeans and tight black tank-top. His face was covered by the shadow from his black hat with the JackholeS logo across it. As always, his sunglasses shielded his blue eyes.
"Ha, whatever you say, man," Van said before turning back to the street to wave frantically at the next float.
