“Kill had an opportunity to follow his dreams. He was holding back to be with me, because he loves me. I couldn’t let him give everything up for me, so I pushed him away the only way I knew how. So, don’t act like he was anything but perfect for me. I'm the horrible person, even if it was for his own good. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you, even if you were the last person on earth.”
I jammed my finger on the end button angrily. It disgusted me how stupid I’d been to give him so many chances. It was like Jason all over again, just with less physical interactions. I hopped out of bed, too upset to fall back asleep.
In the kitchen, I perused the contents of Ryan’s refrigerator, checking to see if there was something I could make for dinner. Ryan’s kitchen was bare just like the rest of her house.
I sent her a quick text, telling her I was going grocery shopping, since I’d be crashing there for the next three days. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and hair, throwing it up in a ponytail. I didn’t bother changing my clothes, not caring if I saw anyone I knew.
Back at Ryan's, with enough groceries to last longer than I was staying, I busied myself in the kitchen, making chicken and dumplings. When dinner was done, I realized I didn’t have the appetite to eat it. I packed it away in one of the perfectly-stacked Tupperware dishes from Ryan’s organized cabinet and went to take a bath.
I plugged my ear buds in and turned the music up loud enough to drown out any stray thoughts. While soaking in the hot water, I begged my body to relax and ended up falling asleep. Ryan banged on the bathroom door, jolting me awake.
I jumped, sloshing water over the side as I pulled out my ear buds. The cold water swirled down the drain, taking my relaxing moment with it. In my temporary room, I pulled on my sweatpants and my trusty hoodie before meeting Ryan in the kitchen.
She was warming up a bowl of chicken and dumplings and popping open a Diet Pepsi. My stomach rumbled at the smell of food. My appetite newly awakened, I scooped out a bowl for myself, claiming the microwave when Ryan was done with it. I snatched a Diet Pepsi out of the fridge while I waited for my food to heat.
Ryan stared at the blank TV, barely touching her food.
"What's up?" I asked, worried something had happened at the bar tonight.
Ryan's head snapped toward me, as if she’d forgotten I was sitting next to her. She ground her molars before hissing out a long breath. "Did you know Matt has been back since October?" she screeched, staring down at her food.
"What?"
"Bambi let it slip that he’d been back for months. I guess he told her he didn't want anyone, especially me, to know." Her lips pressed together in a hard line, turning them white.
"Ryan, you know Bambi likes to talk out of her ass. She probably said it just to piss you off," I told her, relaxing a little.
"No. Her reaction when she realized what she’d said was real. She let it slip, and after Denise prodded her, she finally explained he didn't want me to know. She left early tonight, instead of staying to rub it in. He really didn't want me to know he was back," she finished, her eyes filled with hurt.
"Did you call him?" Matt had seemed so genuine. His connection to Ryan couldn't have been pretend.
"His phone is shut off. You know what? Fuck him. I just hate myself for believing his fake ass."
"There has to be more to the story." I hedged, unable to wrap my head around the fact Matt had behaved so heartlessly. Truthfully, it was Bambi's reaction that had me doubting Matt's intentions for keeping his return a secret.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Ryan asked, blatantly telling me she wanted to change the subject.
“Sounds good,” I answered, taking a bite just to have something to do.
"Okay, but we aren't watching some sappy girly shit. Remember, I don't do sleepovers."
"I don't think I could handle sappy right now either. Bring on the gore."
Ryan rummaged through her DVD collection and finally chose one. WhenFinal Destinationflashed across the screen, I knew I had nothing to worry about on the sappiness scale.
Ryan went to bed after the first movie ended, her shoulders slumped with sadness. I ended up watching the entire collection, my mind craving the distraction. When I was done watching all of the movies I crawled into bed, pleading for sleep. But sleep was being an asshole, and wouldn't come visit me.
I opened my Kindle and ended up reading an entire book before falling into a fitful sleep. My dreams featured Jason and Trent, each holding me back by an arm, while Kill ran toward me. With every step he took, I was thrown back two. He wouldn't stop coming for me, and I ended up moving further and further away. In the end, I couldn’t even see him anymore, but I could hear his frustrated cries as they faded into the blackness. I woke up sucking in air and feeling like my heart weighed a ton.
The clock on my phone mocked me, showing me I’d only been asleep for a couple of hours. I punched my pillow and threw myself back down on the bed, trying to fall back asleep.
Realizing it was useless, I went for a run. I pushed my body in a punishing speed as I tried to escape my demons. When I made the loop around back to Ryan’s house, my legs felt rubbery, and I was covered in sweat. Ryan was in the living room, eating a bowl of cereal and watching some gory movie. “Hey, sexy. What time did you go to bed?”
"I watched your creepily-extensive collection ofFinal Destinationmovies and took a two-hour nap. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a run."
Ryan opened her mouth, worry flooding her face. Instead of listening to her concerns, I cut her off. "I'm going to take a shower. I can't believe you can watch that while eating."
I didn't wait for her to respond to my insult. Grabbing what I needed, I got into the shower. After, Ryan and I watched TV, until she had to go to work. Before she left, she looked at me with uncertainty.
"Do you want to come hang out at the bar? You can keep me company, and make sure Bambi lives another day."
"No, thanks. I'm not ready to see Jessie yet. Please, don't murder Bambi. Pick on Dax instead. I need a place to stay for a couple more days, and I don't have enough money to bail you out if you cause her physical harm."
"Haha. I promise not to kill her until after you graduate. You're probably right, though. Jessie was really rude to the customers yesterday, and Ray threatened to send her home. It would be a bad idea to mix you two together." Ryan ran over and kissed me on the cheek.
"See you later."
"Have a good night and remember, no murdering."
Ryan laughed as she walked out of the house. I wanted to ask how she was feeling about Matt, but she seemed unwilling to talk about it, so I let her be.
