Icould stomach Vivith's habitual accusations, the jibes and barbs, the sneers and caustic comments.But could the others?Although what I wouldn't pay to see Vivith try this shit with Inmadra...
Araxis studied me, then nodded, turning back to Vivith.“Sashen makes a fine point.We must be sensitive to the abuses suffered by some of those who have joined our creche.I am not yet convinced that you are able to conduct yourself with such thoughtfulness."
Vivith flushed an uncharacteristic silver.They jerked their chin down, jaw working; they looked, for a moment,ashamed,which was bewildering on every front."Yes, I know why you must think that.But – I was upset when I spoke of Elethenn.I – I understand that I did not conduct myself in a way befitting my role – my former role – within the creche.If he is sinnenthi, as you say –"
"Ashesays," Araxis corrected.
Vivith's black stare darted up, then down again."Ashesays, then who I am to tell him otherwise?He certainly acts the part.I can admit, I have much yet to learn.I did not spend as much time at our Thalidi's side as you did, Araxis; I am certain there are paths she charted for you that are unknown to me, although I am cinelaat.I am willing to – expand my understanding.Icanbe…" They trailed off, uncertain, as if they couldn't figure out how to end the sentence.As if they couldn't put to words how they needed to be.
"Kind?"I didn't mean to speak, but it drifted from me anyway.It was Araxis's kindness that I loved so dearly.If Vivith had anything like that in them, I hadn't seen it yet.
Vivith winced, as if following the direction of my thoughts, their head still low, and then they nodded – although they didn't seem convinced either.
Next to me, Araxis was quiet for a long moment, his fingers still holding my hand.Then he inhaled, straightening."And what of how you think of me?"
Vivith's features twitched, uneasy."How do you mean?"
"You have been quick to decry my sensitivity to the feelings of others," he said."You have said I am sentimental, that it is my wishfulness that leads me to – understand myself in the way that I do.Can I expect that this will also be a weapon you use against me?"
Vivith jerked back, as if struck.Their eyes flared wide, their mouth forming a tremulous line."Araxis," they said, almost breathy, "no matter how I understand or – or struggle to understand what it is you have told me," with a darting glance in my direction, as if uncertain that I should be hearing this, "it isprivate.It isprivileged.I would not use that against you.You might go entirely mad, and I would not use that to tohurtyou."
I leaned my shoulder against Araxis a little, my stomach twisted in a hard knot.That wasn't what he'd hoped to hear, and I knew it.But…
It was better than nothing.
You pick up scraps and call them a feast.Maybe we were the same in that way.I guess that's what happens when you're told that you are, on some fundamental level, broken and unlovable.You'll take whatever you can get.
So I'd just have to give him a proper feast, then.Even if no one else could, I could give him what he needed.
"Hm."Araxis looked away, throat working."That is good to hear, Vivith."
"Is this what you've been worrying about in my absence?"they asked."Ridiculous.Besides…" Vivith hesitated, clearing their throat and rotating their cup on the table, in the same way Araxis did when he wasn't sure what else to do."Besides, it is not as if I do not have a dozen other ways I might remove you from power if I had to.Please."
I stared, wide-eyed and horrified, and then Araxis made a soft, low trill and Vivith followed suit.Wasthatwas passed for a joke between them?
"So that we are understood," said Araxis, "there is one more question I must put to you."
"Anything," said Vivith."I will answer honestly."
"Nizanin sought out Sashen in order to pass on the writ you had agreed to.They also sought out Sashen in order to… ascertain if he needed to be removed from Creche Thiel.Do you believe that I am incapable of tending –" He stopped, head tilting slightly as he adjusted, "Do you believe I am incapable of being a good partner to him?"
Across the table, Vivith went entirely still.I couldn't blame them; I'd done the same thing.
"The alternative," Araxis continued in a deliberately conversational tone, "is that you wished to have Sashentakenfrom Creche Thiel and attempted to do so in a way that would haveagainremoved his autonomy, after we had already done so egregiously.I have told you to leave Sashen alone.I have told you to speak to him with the respect you would afford any creche-mate.I havetoldyou that what we share is of immeasurable value to me, and that there is nothing I would not do to assure his happiness and well-being."
"I –" started Vivith.
"You will want to consider your response carefully," said Araxis, sharp."Do not ask me to choose between you.You will not care for the result."
"Araxis," I started."It's – It's fine.It's alright."
"It is neither fine nor alright.Vivith, your response?Please recall: you have promised me honesty."
Vivith wrenched their stare away, glaring furiously at the tepid cup of tea in front of them.To my shock, the line of their mouth was trembling and I swore I could see the sheen of tears in their eyes.
I didn't want this.I didn't want this to be what I brought to the creche.I'd already done so much damage.I couldn't havethis– a final, permanent rupture – be my legacy.I opened my mouth to speak, but Vivith got there first.
"He does not even want to stay," Vivith ground out, head tipped forward."He – Araxis,please.I know you think I'm being irrational but –" They looked up, and there were tears streaking their pale cheeks.
