"What, to be left on the station while you go have an important meeting with people you've just described as volatile and dangerous?"I tugged on the green and pink sweater Araxis had given me, turning to look at him as my head popped out of the neck hole."Why the fuck would I wantthat?So I can be safe, like you promised?No one can promise that.I'm not holding you to it."
He was flushed, features pinched, and all of that easy warmth and confidence from before was gone."I – That isn't what I meant, Sashen."
Ah, shit, I was fucking this up.I was fucking it upagain.I had one job, which was to build Araxis up, and apparently I couldn't even manage that without also knocking him down.I shoved my arms through the sleeves, and let out a tiny, centering breath."Alright.Then what did you mean?"
"I thought –" I watched him as he folded his hands behind his back and straightened his shoulders, tipping his chin up, as if standing in that way might help him.Why did he need to steel himself to talk tome?"I thought that you –likedit."At my blank expression, a tiny whine of frustration left his throat."What we did last night."
I blinked, staring at him."Of course I liked it," my mouth supplied automatically."You were there.YouknowI did."
"You have just told me that it wasacceptablefor you to perform that role.You said it wasfineand that youdon't mindbecause it was whatImust want."I watched him swallow, hard, his jaw tense as he shifted his weight, perfect composure decidedly less than perfect."That is very different from… what we had discussed.I don't wish for you to – play a role for me because you imagine that is what I desire."
Were we fighting about the amazing sex we'd had last night?Because I'd been cooperative and eager and had used a fraction of my skills as a dancer to mould myself into a shape he'd find fun and useful?Really?God, Khrelen had been right – itwasa pain to fuck someone who was all tied up in knots about sex.
"I'm sorry, did younotwant to wrap your hand around my throat andexert controland pin me to the mattress and fuck me?"
"I –"
"Or is this a consistency thing?"I forcibly yanked up the zipper of my jumpsuit and pushed past him into our bedroom.I didn't know where I was going exactly, but I had to move because I couldn't just stand there while he was, for some impossible reason,upsetaboutfucking me."Is it because if I'm yielding in bed, and then not in real life, it threatens your feeling of being sinnenthi or whatever?Or –"
"Sashen, that isnotwhat I mean."He'd followed me across the room to where I was currently glaring out one of the windows to the park beyond.
"But youwantto fuck me like a sinnenthi," I said, insistent."You told me.I've beendoing thatfor you, because it's what you want.And what you need.When I fucked you in the meeting room, that was helpful, right?You took what you wanted, and I gave it to you."
I turned to look at him, and Araxis was flushed as he hovered awkwardly in the middle of the room."That – That was not – I was not exerting control then, Sashen.I was – " He bit off the rest of the words, choking on them.
What wasn't I understanding?"I can't give you what you want if you don'ttellme," I continued, chest aching unpleasantly, my heart doing something fluttery and awful."God, this is why it's easier to have a price list.You can just order whatever you want from a menu and then I'll know."
"I – I would not want that," Araxis insisted, his voice tight."What I want – I –" He fell to silence, and it was pointed and jagged enough that I felt something snag beneath my irritation, like a sleeve catching on a piece of rough polymer.There was a glassiness to his expression that was almost startling, and he couldn't quite meet my stare.
I studied him, standing there, his fingers playing nervously with seam of a pocket, his skin flushed and mottled.What did he want, I wondered, that he was ashamed of?That he couldn't tellme?When I'd just outlined, clearly, that all I wanted was to understand so that I couldgiveit to him?Past Araxis's shoulder, I could see new messages arriving, an endless stream of pulsing dots of lights.
We had a lot to do and not much time to get it done – not if we were moving up our whole timeline because apparently a creche had gotten permission to try and kill Araxis.
Suddenly, arguing about our sexual dynamic seemed incredibly stupid, particularly when our dynamic was, no matter which way you looked at it,electric.
"We can talk about this more later," I said, gentling my tone like I knew he needed."Just to be clear, Ireallyenjoyed last night.And also to be clear, if there are times when you'd like to fuck me like a sinnenthi and if there are other times when you'd like to do something else, or havemedo something else –"
He ducked his head, so I figured I'd gotten that right, at least.
"Then we can do that.It doesn't have to just be one way, or the same every time.You just need to tell me.Especially if you're feeling bad or weird about what you want.I specialize in having weird hang-ups."
"You donot," Araxis said, voice tight."You've said you have none."
He had me there."Well, maybe that's because I haven't thought very much about what exactly Idolike, because I haven't had much sex just for fun.Youwere the one who told me that sex might be different if I wasn't fucking someone for work, and you were right – but that means that I just – I don'tknow, Araxis."It came out defensive, although I didn't intend it to.
"I – Yes, I understand."Which was a relief: I wasn't sureIdid.He cleared his throat, still uncertain and stiff."But it is – important to me that… I don't want you to think of me as a client you're trying to please.As you don't wish for me to tend to you when I'm not aroused, this is what I need from you, Sashen."
What, he needed me tonotthink about what he needed?I wasn't sure how to turn that off.I exhaled, crossing my arms and squeezing hard to try and force myself into the present."I can try," I said, my voice smaller than I meant for it to be."I mean, that's new to me.Sex is what I'mgoodat, and I want – Obviously I want to be a good boyfriend, I want to be what you need, and –"
A soft, pained sound escaped Araxis."Youarewhat I need, beloved," he said."As youare."
Which sounded good, but there were whole swaths to me he didn't know: entire realms of darkness, secrets I carefully hid away.It was one thing to say you could love someone unconditionally; it was impossible to actually do it.I knew that.I'd known it for a long time.Even my cult's god had loved with strings attached.My jaw flexed around a thousand things I wanted to say, but couldn't shape into words, so I just stood there, silent and aching.
"Perhaps – we could explore what we both like… together?"Araxis tried, watching me uncertainly.
I nodded, numb.I flexed my arms hard against my body.And then, because I had to know, "But didyoulike last night?"
I was horrified to hear, when the question left my mouth, that it sounded vulnerable and tentative, like I was afraid of what the answer might be.And wasn't I?What if he said no?What if he'd been trying to perform a role for me, like I'd been trying for him, and he hadn'twantedto fuck me?What if I'd made him?
