"Yes, Sashen," Araxis said."Yes.Icouldwrite a poem.I could write a dozen."Then, with a slow, uncertain smile, "Perhaps I will commission a statue when we return to Xitera.Certainly, your body should be celebrated.All of you should be."
A knot gave way in my chest, and I exhaled.We were going to have to get better at talking about all of this.I didn't want to always be guessing.The thought that I'dmadehim do something –
It was unbearable.And maybe that was what he felt too.
Knowing how much he'dlikedeverything, on the other hand, and that he wanted to explore whatever was unnameable to him, knowing that I could maybe help him figure it out and he could helpme–
"You just want to make all the other arkathi jealous," I said, trying for a smile.
He shrugged in his casual, not-quite-right way."When they are jealous, they negotiate poorly."Then, lips quirking, "You are very good at helping assure others always negotiate at disadvantage.You are a treasure, Sashen – you know that."
I wasn't, but if he believed I was, that would have to suffice."Since I'm so good at helping with negotiations and difficult meetings," I said, "you're lucky I'm going with you to our ship, where I can make Nizanin jealous too."
The look he shot me was flat, so I just kept going.
"Well, you can't take Elethenn," I reasoned, and Araxis's features tightened just at the thought, "and obviously Egnax can't stay on the ship for whatever the fuck is going to happen; she's ishik, and tact isn't exactly her strong suit.Same for Evreni: she'd be a disaster.So who elsewouldyou take – Inmadra?She didn't even think Celravi should go listen to Nizaninspeak, so she definitely wouldn't approve of meeting with them, and you wouldn't make her do something she hated.Vivith?We're supposed to be keeping the two of you apart in case you're attacked."
From the guilty shift of his features, I assumed that Vivith was, in fact, the right answer.Which was ridiculous.Not only did Vivith not have the training I did – and Araxis had admitted, when pressed, that I'd gotten a lot better; I'd knocked him flat on his ass a couple of times when we'd actually managed to find time for sparring; I'd even drawn blood once and, while that had made me shaky and apologetic, I hadn't burst into tears or gone perfectly still and silent, so I was better in more ways than he even knew – but also they wereVivith.No matter their intentions, no matter how readily they swore they hadn't meant to throw everything into disarray, no matter how loudly they insisted that they were loyal to the creche and to Araxis, words were cheap.Actions were what counted, and Vivith had fallen short on both recently.And, most importantly and despite the fact that it sounded fucking awful to me, Vivith would head Creche Thiel if anything happened to Araxis; they shouldn't go to a meeting together, not when it might be dangerous.
In the end, I won the argument – of course I did; I'm virra and he's my sinnenthi – and we ended up heading out that afternoon for our scheduled meeting with Nizanin.Araxis had insisted that I go armed.I tried to bargain for my swords, but he said plainly that it would come across as hostile.
"Are you sure it wouldn't come across assexy?"I'd suggested."What if I wore something slutty?What if I offered to dance for yourguest?"
To his credit, he seemed to consider it for some time, before waving away the idea.I'd tried to point out that if voltaar swords,for dancing, were hostile, then surely a visible arc lance had to be as well, but Araxis had merely shaken his head and said that firearms were considered good and pragmatic, whereas swords would be thought of as flashy.
If he'd wanted pragmatic, he'd picked the wrong dancer, but it was his call in the end.We'd swung down to Ballast Ward before departure, checking on our warehouse and coordinating with one of the agencies for our new loading date, and then we stopped in to pick up the arc lance he'd had customized for me.We hit the range and did a few practice rounds, Araxis quick to make minor tweaks and adjustments as the sephear proprietor smiled beatifically at me."Here," she said before we left."My daughter made you a drawing."
I waited until we were in the shuttle to unfurl the tidily folded paper, and cackled immediately as I smoothed it out against my thigh, careful to avoid the lance strapped there."Look," I said."I'm keeping thisforever."In the drawing, a yellow sephear child wearing gleaming power armour held me in her arms, a knife brandished in one hand with a machine gun turret jutting from the shoulder of her armour.I was wearing pink slippers and maybe had fainted.It was hard to tell; the lines were indistinct.She'd signed itwith loveand everything.
I grinned, wedging the drawing against the seam of a wall panel so that it decorated the cockpit.That way, if I ever needed a reminder of my insignificance, I could look at the black void of space outside and the pity a literal child had for my apparent incompetence."Ididlike those slippers," Araxis said as the shuttle broke free of the traffic surrounded Sozamia Station and hurtled toward Basilla in the distance, and whatever awaited us there.
"I didnot," I said."Although we looked pretty good together, didn't we?"
His eyes reflected the pinprick of distant stars beyond our screen."Hm, yes.But – You know that I see you as capable, Sashen.You are not –" He stopped, calling up a screen and adjusting our course slightly.
"What am I not?"I asked, kicking my feet up on the dash as I watched him, my stare drifting back to the drawing.That was how a lot of people saw me: soft, an easy mark.
They had no idea what I was capable of.
"You are not a liability," he finished."You were not in the arena.You are not now, not in any sense of the word."
I didn't have anything to say to that, because I was sure he meant it.He was also wrong: I was his weak spot, and it was my fault, however well-intentioned, that Araxis's status had fallen.But the lie – that I wasn't a liability; that I was capable; that I was helpful and good and of use – was one I wouldn't mind believing, at least for a little while.One of those lies that could maybe become true if I repeated it often enough.
And sure, Araxis said he wanted me exactly as I was, but I knew I had to do better.I had tobebetter.It was why I was working so hard.His was a life that didn't have space for mediocrity; he needed competence, and I wanted that too, not just for him but for me as well.Maybe that could be what webothneeded.
When we landed at the retrofitting dock off Basilla and stepped into the walkway leading to our ship, I was surprised to find it still and quiet.The long utilitarian hallway that connected the main hub of the dock to our particular berth was broad and empty, except for various crates, bins, and supplies for the final rush of adjustments that had happened today ahead of our new departure date.The lights at the top of the tunnel were dim, as if work had shut down and they'd only left on auxiliary power.
"Is it supposed to be this empty?"I asked, unsettled.
"It is by design."Araxis nudged past a series of crates, boots clanging on the metal walkway."I do not particularly care to have it become public knowledge that we are meeting with the Unbound."
"Would that be a problem?That we're working with Nizanin?"I said it quietly, as if there might be someone listening, although I could plainly see that we were alone in this long expanse of hallway, from beyond where we'd docked our shuttle to the terminal end that led on to our ship.It was just the two of us.
"Yes," said Araxis, glancing at his wristband as another message pinged in.He made an irritated sound and turned off notifications."Our Elethenn is correct: the Unbound are considered treacherous.Perhaps they are much like the shadow-self of Xitera as a whole.A reminder that we have strayed,anda cautionary tale of where we may yet return.And yet workingwiththem – while I am certain many creches do so, otherwise Nizanin would not have the resources to sustain an organization of that size – is akin to treason."
I stumbled over a loose bit of wire, Araxis's hands catching my arm before I could fall."Oh," I said, blinking at him."So.Treason."
He looked unbothered."It is a calculated risk," Araxis said."Their information network in Xitera is promising, and they are diametrically opposed to the Concord.In truth, I wonder – Ah, you will think I watch too many dramas."
