I let my stare trace his features: the pinch of anxiety around his eyes, the sharp line of his jaw, the precise angles of his face.He was all cool perfection – except that I could also see, beneath the poised sinnenthi, a layer of hesitation.Something tentative, uncertain.
I couldn't tell if he was letting me see that, or if it was beyond his ability to control.Still, I nodded.
He fluted out a breath, something like relief, and reached to touch the plunging hem of my neckline.His fingers traced the overlay of lace against my skin, cool and gentle, before brushing delicately against the juncture of my neck and shoulder.Goosebumps prickled my skin.I could feel every breath I took as he stood there, close to me in the dim light; I could feel the slide of the gossamer fabric against my shoulder, my arms, his touch on my bare skin electric.
He was right to ask permission.He hadn't touched me like this in weeks.And the place where he rested his cool fingers had also been untouched.Unmarked.
"You're bare," he said."There is not even a fading mark.It does not matter to me.You have declared for me; you are a member of our creche.We have anagreement."The word was strained, just slightly, as he said it, but he kept his expression carefully neutral; I could see him make the effort."And so it is fine.You are exquisite, as always."
I narrowed my eyes, studying him.His black stare had caught on the column of my throat, the place where his fingers rested.I could feel his hand flex, just slightly, like he wanted to slide his palm around to the back of my neck, to hold me possessively, to pull me in tighter.
"Is that thecaldathess?"I asked with a sudden realization.
He blinked at me, looking almost dazed."Yes," Araxis murmured."It is – a mark of service.But it does not matter, Sashen.Do not let it bother you."
"You're fixing it," I said, forcing myself to shift my weight to my heels so I stopped leaning in without realizing it.Being this close to him, close enough to inspect the shadows cast by his eyelashes and to smell the spice of his skin, meant that my whole universe had angled toward him.All I had to do was let go and fall, and he would be there."You're making a decision without explaining it or asking whatIwant to do."
Araxis jerked back, his hand falling away, and he blinked rapidly at me.The skin around his eyes tightened in distress, and I could see him turning it over in his mind.I took the moment to slide backwards, putting a bit more space between us."You are correct," he admitted."I should explain more clearly.Perhaps – hm.Let me try, Sashen."
The door to the meeting room slid open, just wide enough for Vivith – thin and wiry as they were – to slide through in their cloud of black fabric.They shut the door behind them, stare flicking between the two of us."Nishel iswaiting," they hissed, shoulders tight."Sashen, cover up.If you will not wear Araxis's mark –"
Araxis turned and said something sharp and fast in abayan.Then added, for my benefit, "Entertain our guest.Discuss the proposition in the Assembly.You are given authority within this creche, Vivith; this also means you are given responsibility.Tend to the duties you are so eager for."
For a long moment, Vivith stared at Araxis – face a frozen picture of tension, black eyes wide, dark crest like a smear of oil down their back.Tension thickened the air, almost palpable, and then Vivith dipped their head, glancing down in deference."Of course," they said in Standard, the words dripping with something intentionally greasy and unpleasant."You must tend to your virra's feelings.I gather such things are important to you, Araxis, though rarely does a sinnenthi bother with such minutiae.We will look forward to enjoying your company once you have had enough time to indulge yourself."And then, before Araxis could say anything else, they slid the door open and vanished into the light beyond, shutting it firmly behind them.
Rarely does a sinnenthi bother.I'd heard that.My hands flexed, sudden, by my sides as I stared at the glowing squares of light from the meeting room, distantly aware that my jaw was tight, my molars grinding against each other."Their attitude is a problem, Araxis," I said, voice low."They can't talk to you like that.It's fucked up."
It had been like that for weeks.And I'd been doing my level best to get along with Vivith, but still – their tone, the dismissiveness with which they spoke to Araxis, their digs about our relationship and, worst of all, the shitty little comments about Araxis's gender were all too fucking much.I didn't know how long I'd be able to bite my tongue.Each time, it felt like a punch to the sternum; each time, the taste of blood became more intolerable.
Araxis had broken my trust, true, and he'd have to earn it back.
Vivith wouldneverhave it, I was sure of that much.If anyone was going to stab me in the back, it would be them.At least this time I was sure Araxis would do me the courtesy of stabbing me in the front and apologizing about it, if things came down to it.
To be fair though, I was spying on him – so I guess I was also stabbing him.We were all stabbing each other, is what I'm saying, but at least I knew that neither Araxis or I wanted to actuallyhurteach other.
Vivith, on the other hand, I wasn't so sure about.They certainly seemed to look for any opportunity to undermine Araxis and his confidence, or to outline how I was an absolute failure in every way that mattered, and quite a few that didn't.
"Yes, I am aware," he said, voice thin and buzzing with irritation, although it wasn't aimed in my direction."They overreach.We have been a small creche for so long that we have all had to take on many roles.A cinelaat may lead a creche: this is also in their nature.This is – not a new problem, Sashen.Please do not worry."He sighed, then, and looked back at me, mouth twisted into a frown."To speak to the significance of thecaldathess: you are not marked as would be expected for a virra who is declared.This suggests that I am not meeting your needs.It is a sinnenthi's role to be always available for their virra.That is part of what it means to tend to a declared virra."
NowIfrowned."Sorry, if you haven't bitten me, that's because you're – notfuckingme in the way I presumably want?And that would advertise that you're a shitty sinnenthi?"
"Yes."He looked back over his shoulder to the meeting room.He was practicallyscowlingnow, although when he glanced back at me, the expression softened."When it is noticed that you are unmarked, you may find that you are approached by others who wish to offer for you."
I thought about Rodil, who'd wondered if I'd gotten rid of the mark accidentally, apparently a little overzealous with the subdermal knitter.How many other abaya had seen my naked neck and assumed that Araxis wasn't fucking me well enough?How had he thought it was okay to let me go out in public like this, when my whole purpose – the reason I was here – was to help him with his standing?
"So if I'm walking around like this,unmarked," I said, trying to follow and feeling very much like my neck was now a beacon as I tilted my head, "that means you're not getting me off, or whatever, and another creche will try to nab me.Which weakens your position, no matter what I say or what Iactuallywant."
Araxis raised one shoulder gracefully in his version of a shrug."It is of no importance to me, Sashen.You are a human virra, and I made my position on the traditions around virra and sinnenthi clear when speaking with Yarix News during the Tournament.We do not need to play by their rules."
He said it carefully, precisely, as if he had thought about this at some length.Or perhaps as if this was a conversation he’d had with Vivith already, again and again.I stared at him, feeling unsteady.There, in our dim bedroom, he was outlined in light and shadow, more of an ink drawing than a person.
"Well, that's just stupid," I said, coming to a decision all in a rush."You should mark me then.That's easy, Araxis."
His tongue flicked out to his lower lip, barely visible.His eyes were dark and glossy."But – Hm."He stopped and swallowed, audible.Tension radiated from the lines of his shoulders, and it surprised me: it wasn't like he hadn't done this before, well before I had any inkling about what it meant.He'd even done it before the Tournament, and then had apologized and used a knitter to hide the evidence.So I knew hewantedto.He had to.
Except the last time I'd asked, he'd said no.
The sense memory – of that quiet, impossible morning on Creche Athal's ship, the feeling of his body beneath mine, allaroundmine, how much my heart had hurt and how fiercely I loved him knowing all the while that he was the cause of so much of my suffering, that he was imperfect and flawed and stillmine– came over me in a sudden wash.I felt the throb in my chest, felt my pulse quicken.
