I glanced at Araxis, whose mouth twitched into a smile as he nodded."Yes, beloved, we have," he murmured.
I turned back to the crowd and found the weapons provisioner; there was a flash of movement near her waist and I realized, with a shock of delight, that a yellow sephear child was standing at her side, wide-eyed and practically vibrating with excitement.There she was, my biggest fan.Well, I'd make sure today was a day she'd remember.When I smiled next, it was genuine."What I'm saying is that we've made a decision: after we get to Xitera and formalize our standing in the Hall of Records, we're going to be throwing a party andeveryone'sinvited.If you can't be there in person, we'll make sure it's on broadcast, because as hard as times feel right now, we think that love and kindness are worth celebrating.So, here it is."I looked back at Araxis, heart stuttering against my ribs as I made sure my smile was firmly in place."We've decided: we're getting married."
Chapter31
A Stitch in Time
"Ihear that congratulations are in order," said Valerie Prior, whose face was currently hovering on the display in the medical bay while I carefully peeled out of my sweater."Or so all of the Sashen Solar Fan Forums tell me.Gotta say, you looked like shit at that press conference, but I'm pretty sure you could power an entire station with that smile of yours."
"Yeah,well," I said, moving to the next layer of clothes.This one, unfortunately, had stuck to my cut –stab wound, my brain helpfully corrected – so I hissed as I pulled it free.I guess I'd opened it back up after all."I've had a rough day."
My back was to the vid interface as I tugged my shirt up over my head and dumped it onto the floor.Which is why, I guess, Val made a surprised sound behind me, fuzzed out with static from the obscure relays I'd routed the call through."You've been shot with a blaster."
"Shot," I admitted."Stabbed.Betrayed."I turned around and leveraged myself up on the metal table, tugging the tray with a few medical supplies and devices I'd readied toward me."That's kind of why we had to make the announcement.Because it turns out ourphysicianwas secretly from another creche and helped arrange an almost-hit and – oh, they also fucking ordered that attack on me so I'd need a doctor and they could weasel their way into the creche, except they weren't everactuallya doctor so I've been getting bullshit treatment for weeks.It's been – a lot."
I flicked open one of the drawers in the cart and pulled out a sanitizing wipe, which I pressed to my cut.It had started leaking blood, but just a bit.Not too much.
"Right, I can see why now is the time to announce a wedding," Valerie intoned."But are youactuallygetting married?That's a big step."
"Is it?"I asked, mopping up the last of the blood."Marriage doesn't have any legal standing in Xitera, so it won't change anything.It's a spectacle.It's a tool."
"Right, right.And does it have any… emotional standing with you?"
I huffed out a pained breath, setting aside the wipe and prodding at the edges of my cut.Was this the kind of thing that got infected if it opened up again?Maybe.I could probably find those antibiotics Araxis had prepped for me in here.I glanced up at Val, and was surprised to see that her eyebrows were angled together, a line between them.That was worry.She wasworried.
"I don't think so," I said after considering the question."I'm still a bit itchy about the idea of, I don't know, contractual monogamy, but that's true for being declared too.But marriage – I mean, there's no universe in which I ever thought I'd get married to someone I actually… like.It wasn't possible.I was taught that marriage is spiritual, and so it has to be a mirror of God's divine plan for the household.When the family unit is orderly, so is the community, and so is the galaxy.Everything has its place.And you know I never fit intothatplan."
"Yeah, fair.And you can always get divorced later if you want – Oh, wait, that probably runs contrary to yourreligious beliefs–" She grinned as I rolled my eyes and hauled the knitter from the cart, and then, "Wait wait wait!Holy shit, Sashen!Are you going to try and use asubdermal knitteron a stab wound that's actively bleeding?"
I stopped, the cold metal weighty in my hand."Yes?"
"Oh myfucking god," Val muttered."Do youwantto die from sepsis?Is that your plan?Is this the airlock again?You can't just close thetopof a puncture wound that's been open inside of your filthy sweater all day and leave a little pocket for – This is stupid.Call your boyfriend."
"I –"
"Oh, sorry.Yourfiance.Call him.We're going to talk.I'm going to send him some more files on appropriate care for a pig-headed human who doesn't know how to take care of himself."
I set the knitter down with a metallic click."Okay, fine.And Iwashoping you could walk me through what to do about these energy burns, but – Val.Before that, I did want to talk to you about something."
Val's eyebrows were still angled together, but now they shot up, curious.Theywereexpressive, weren't they?No wonder Araxis had been so surprised at first; no wonder the kids had been so curious.When had human features and expressions become foreign to me?
I cleared my throat, picking the wipe up again and pressing it against the stab wound.It felt better when I was holding it, even though I wasn't doing anything."I don't think – No, I know.I can't keep writing to you.About… things."
"About things," she repeated, slow, her features perfectly neutral."Got it."
"It's just – I have a wedding to plan," I said with an uneven smile, but it faltered when she didn't laugh.Instead, she looked concerned."No, it's not that.Things are good with Araxis.They're really good, and the more I've learned about abayan culture, the more I understand that… there's a lot that's private.Privileged."I said it in abayan."And, after everything with Rodil – that's who was spying – and with Vivith coming back, things are...hard for everyone.And I'm just realizing that even information I think of as harmless could be private.Itisprivate.I think it would be devastating if Araxis found out, ifanyonedid, and I can't risk that, not now.I can't keep hurting him, even if he doesn't know.God, I don't want him to ever know."
Because while he'd said I could keep my own secrets, I was certain he didn't mean secrets likethis.And I knew, now, what it felt like to have a liar hidden away inside of the creche, a spy spooling out private creche secrets.When we'd finished loading the ship and had joined our creche-mates, Araxis had gathered us all in the dining room and quietly explained what we knew about Rodil, and the ripple of devastation that had gone through the room had made the air thick and almost impossible to breathe.Egnax had started crying, as if some old, brutal wound had been violently ripped open.
I couldn't do that.Icouldn't.
Valerie sighed, and she rolled her neck, weary."I hope you never change," she said, "but I'm going to give you a heads up anyway, because someone else would take advantage.Don'ttellpeople what you're most afraid of.If I wanted you to keep sending me intel, I'd threaten to tell Araxis."
My skin prickled in the cold as I looked at her, wide-eyed.
"I just said I'mnotgoing to do that because I'm not just a… handler.I'm – I'm your friend, right?I've certainly been thinking of you asmyfriend."She paused for a beat, then grimaced."Maybe I'm being ridiculous.You should readmypsychological profile.It's humiliating.I guess I 'miss a few social cues' and 'come on too strong.'"Val shrugged, reaching to massage one shoulder."It's fine, Sashen.Don't worry about it.You know, it's probably for the best.Like I said, you two are good together.I've been rooting for you."
She sounded hurt and was looking into the distance, somewhere off camera.Her jaw worked, tight, and for the first time since I'd known her, Valerie Prior seemed to be at a loss for words.
