But as awful as it was for me to witness proof of how fucking broken I really was, Araxis had seemed almost proud.Even Vivith had been impressed."He is quite effective," they admitted to Araxis, as I stood in the kitchen and pretended to make more tea so that I didn't have to look at the frame they'd frozen on, where I was a second away from evaporating a portion of the ketaari's skull, my expression nearly serene.
The day before we arrived on Anhihan Station to liaise with our pilots – which meant it was also our last day in Primus space before we travelled to Xitera and began all of what would come next – Araxis pulled the creche together to review what they needed to know before we burned.He patiently walked through what everyone might expect – physical sensations, the temporary loss of bodily senses, strange sensory input, and post-jump disorientation – as well as expected lingering effects.From what I gathered, for most species, a jump was like taking the entirety of the worst hangover of your life and compressing it into a hallucinatory trip that left you dizzy and confused and just barely tethered to your body when it ended, which sounded even worse than it looks on broadcast dramas.After patiently answering about three thousand questions from the kids, who were the only passengers (besides me) who hadn't burned before, he sent everyone to bed."Our research shows that the better rested a traveller is, the more swiftly they recover from a long burn.Our pilots will be taking us to Xitera in a single jump, so you must take your rest seriously tonight," he'd said pointedly when Adrathi started to protest the early bedtime."Vivith, Inmadra, and Evreni, if you could stay."His hand had pulsed on my thigh as I shifted to leave, so I settled in as well.
The others left until it was just arkathi, and me.Araxis's posture shifted slightly, as if he had gone fromtellingtodiscussing."I wish to speak more openly about what we are undertaking and what will happen when we arrive in Xitera.But first, we have secured these pilots through an agreed exchange, and I would review the terms with you.We have finalized the details, but it was understood that I would seek concord with the other arkathi of Creche Thiel before ratification."He paused, surveying the others."You must know that this piloting pair is affiliated with a human political entity."
Vivith actually recoiled, shocked."Araxis – You cannot meanSeraphim?"And, you know, it actually warmed the cockles of my heart to hear how horrified they sounded.
"Of course it is not Seraphim," said Araxis, sharp."I would not even entertain the thought.Sashen, if you could provide some additional background?"
So I did, and most of it was true.I'd met with a human translator on the judiciary ship, and we'd been corresponding ever since; she said she wanted to introduce me to another way of being human that was less awful, and then had explained a bit more about where she was from and the organization she worked with."I think she's mostly a contractor," I said, "but she's well-connected.And Perseus is looking for potential partners in our part of space."
On an adjacent side of the table, Inmadra's features had grown increasingly tight."I am concerned, Sashen, that you have been manipulated in order to obtain information.Were you asked for anything?And what, precisely, have we offered in exchange for the pilots?"Her incisive stare shifted to Araxis, which was good.I didn't think I could look her in the eye and say I hadn't told Valerie anything, when really, I'd sent along every single worksheet and lesson Inmadra had ever put together for me and all of those meeting notes she'd helped me take.Thinking about it then,reallythinking about it, made me almost ill.It didn't feel like nothing when I considered the scope of what I'd shared, not now.
"If anything, I think she was interested in having me put in a good word," I tried, guilt wriggling deep in my gut."And I do actually think she wants to be friends.She heard – uh, a lot during that judiciary interview.She heard everything about me, and how often does someone actually get to know you like that?"Araxis had heard it all too, and while I still didn't like to think about that for very long, maybe it had helped him understand what he'd done and why it had hurt so badly.Maybe he'd had to know in order for us to get here.I cleared my throat, deciding not to linger on that thought."Besides, if she's doing contract work for the judiciary, clearly she passed their security vetting."
Vivith, in particular, looked wary, head tilting as they studied me for a moment.It was the longest they'd actuallyacknowledgedme since we got back to the ship, and I fought against the urge to squirm under their evaluating stare.
"We have agreed to a future meeting in Sol," explained Araxis."Once we are established in Xitera, I would like to take a small group to meet with Perseus and to see what it is that they offer.I have been assured that they are close to an impressive breakthrough in stromic technology; they additionally have access to a number of rare minerals and gases, including sadrum – which could be significant if tensions within Primus continue.We would be do well to secure a source of our own.I have reviewed the initial documentation on both Perseus's resources and technology, and it is promising.However, Perseus is an unknown political entity with an unknown culture, beyond the cultural artifacts that have become a curiosity in our part of space."
The looks on the other faces in the room were, in a word, skeptical, and I couldn't blame them.If they only knew what was coming, or what exactly would be revealed at that meeting…
"It seems a sizable risk, to gather members of Creche Thiel and take them across space to a foreign territory in the hopes that we might invest in technology that is not yet completed or resources that we may not be able to efficiently return to Xitera," said Inmadra, watching Araxis."Although I am certain you have considered that."
"I have," said Araxis, "and I have also thought at some length about Elethenn and his atonement.I propose that he is sent to Sol in order to liaise with Perseus and to determine if the visit will be worthwhile and if the relationship could be worth the investment.He is not a diplomat, but his training will help him assess the potential risk a visit might pose to Creche Thiel.If this organization is being duplicitous, Elethenn will find out.It will be lonely and challenging work, and there is no promised extraction if things go wrong.Do we consider this adequate for his atonement?"
They did, and Inmadra agreed to meet with him before the pilots left to give him some instruction in cross-cultural exchanges, as well as some materials he might share."I have certain texts that have been approved by ananthathein my former creche," she said, "but if you wish to assure they meet our own threshold, Araxis –"
"It is not necessary," said Araxis."I trust in your judgment."He then sent her the initial agreement and Inmadra promised to review it before the night was through.
Vivith, for their part, still looked uneasy."It is fine to make plans for the distant future, but I am most concerned with more immediate matters.What is your plan for our arrival in Xitera?"
"We will travel directly to the Hall of Records," said Araxis."And there, we will make our petition – first, to be reinstated; next, to challenge the writ of propitiation; then, to sanction Creche Naival for their actions against our creche-mates.I would then send you to Thelessia, Vivith, to take our ancestral seat and to begin to receive petitioners.We will need to grow our creche rapidly, and I would trust the vetting to no one else.And if you are on Thelessia and the Concord continues to move against me, with or without the consent of the Assembly, Creche Thiel remains secure."
The other arkathi murmured in agreement, and something tightened in my stomach when I thought about all that would come next.Politics, meetings, and then travel all the way to Sol.
Oh, and apparently a wedding.
Evreni cleared her throat."This is all very good, Araxis.Our Thalidi was wise in splitting the creche.In fraught times, it is the best course of action."She paused, and her eyes grew glassier as she looked at him."I would ask that we take time before I return our Yalrinn to Thelessia to inter our Avelthe's remains in the –" The word was unfamiliar, although I'd heard in in a drama before and thought it might mean something like catacombs.I knew, from what Araxis had told me about the city Adralne and the Great Hall, that the governmental buildings sat atop massive cultural archives, where the stories of each creche were kept.The remains of those who had died were interred with each creche's history, so that, even in death, they could remain tethered to their house.
"Of course," Araxis murmured."We will travel to our archives.The lights of our alcove will again be lit, and our ledger updated."He paused, jaw tightening just a little."We must also inter our Inniral.I am certain that our Avelthe would be very pleased to be remembered in their company.They will have eternity to discuss third act gambits."
For some reason, that made Evreni and Vivith trill, and Araxis smiled, soft and tentative – maybe like sunrise, or at least like sunrise had seemed in Verdant Ward.He inclined his head toward me as if leaning in to share a confidence, although he pitched his voice so that Inmadra could hear too."They were both avid players ofsiezalel, a very complex abayan game that is –"
"Verydull," said Vivith."It is insufferable.And our Avelthe and Inniral were studious,meticulousplayers.Their games would take many days, and if you dared to interrupt them –"
"They were both eager to explain their strategy," continued Araxis, smile brightening."Which might take an hour, and then the other would recount the game thus far and –"
"No one else on the ship could standsiezalal."Evreni wiped at her eyes."After our Inniral died, Avelthe often complained that he did not have anyone to play with."She paused, mouth twisting with a spasm of grief before she forcibly smoothed it out."Elethenn played several games with our Avelthe.He showed Avelthe a variation that made the game slightly quicker – which our Avelthe did not care for, and so Elethenn instead suggested they play a version accessible on wristbands, so that he might always make his next move whether he was in the creche or out on business.Elethenn was kind to our Avelthe.He will be a good creche-mate once he has atoned.He is patient.Avelthe said as much.He knew he...He knew his condition made him difficult to be around."
And then Evreni's glassy stare shifted to me."He said much the same about you, Sashen."Her subvocal was quavering, unsteady, and next to her, Inmadra reached to press a hand to Evreni's shoulder."He said that while you are inherently very loud, you worked diligently to accommodate –"
My chest ached, tight, and I nodded before looking away so that I didn't get too lost in the feeling.Araxis's fingers tightened on my thigh, a comforting pulse.I hadn't everhadsomeone to grieve before, not as an adult when the shape of the grief was clearer in my mind.When my father had died, I'd been too young to understand.And then the other children who hadn't made it out of the re-education camp – I knew, if I'd had time and space, I would have felt their loss in a way that might have destroyed me.But I'd been so ground down, so firmly pressed under Seraphim's boot, that I'd barely been able to string any thoughts together.I'd certainly been unable tofeelanything.Only the void, then.Only an eternal nothingness, preferable to the misery that had been all around me.
It was good, maybe, that I could be sad now, that I could find myself thinking about the hours I spent with Tamcer Temahura and miss him so fiercely that the pain was like a cracked rib; it was good that I could think about Avelthe and feel my throat get tight, even missing the way he loved to grouse about how loudly I breathed before turning up the volume on the drama we were watching; it was good that I could hate Rodil and be so angry on Elethenn's behalf, even as I was furiouswithhim as well.
It was good, I thought as I watched Araxis speak gently with the other arkathi, his eyes gleaming and his hands fluttering to accentuate a point, that I had been able to be so mad at Araxis, and then to love him all the same.Look at all that I could contain.Look at the capacity I had inside of me.
I'd worried, once, that the darkness in me might have choked out all the space I needed to feel anything bright and good.But sitting there, my hand tangled with Araxis's as Inmadra trilled, shocked, at something Vivith had said, I knew that I didn't have to fear that, not now.
