"But declarations arealwaysromantic?"
"A personal declaration is,yes.A petitioner who joins a creche makes a declaration for that creche.Even an arkathi who joins a new creche will make a declaration."
"And that affects conjugating verbs because…" I looked over the exercises again and how she'd corrected them."Because – I mean, if I wanted to say that I'm going to go to the theatre with Araxis next month, I'd say –" I tried it in abayan.
"Yes," stressed Inmadra."As if it has already happened.Because you are a declared virra and you go with your sinnenthi, itwillhave happened in the future.The path is determined."
I tried to sit with that – anything I might do was already set in stone because I was at Araxis's beck and call?How the fuck did that make sense?– and thought again about what she'd explained."Is that why someone higher in the power structure uses imperative sentences?"
"I have told you,higherdoes not make sense within abayan creche dynamics."She really did sound irritated."But… you are not incorrect."
I'd grabbed onto that tidbit when she'd first explained.It seemed like the kind of thing you really ought to know and be aware of.If I wanted to make someone tea, any way I offered had implications:could I offer you some tea, put me in a subordinate position (Inmadra had stressed that subordinate also didn't apply, but it absolutely did);I'll make you some teawould indicate that we were equals, although I was leading in that interaction; anddrink your teawasn't just bossy, it was the way that a head of house would speak to those beneath them.I guess if someone who was in charge said something was going to happen – whether that was going out to the theatre with the entire creche except for one glaring absence or pouring hot drinks that no one seemed to ever actually drink – it was considered final.
It was hard to grasp as a concept, and then remember in the middle of trying to have a conversation.And Iknewthere was still so much I was missing; I could feel it like movement in the dark, just out of sight as the air rippled around me.And if there was one thing I knew particularly well, it was how complicated social dynamics could show up in other places too."So if arkathi are in charge," I said slowly, "does that mean just in terms of creche leadership structure, or are we talking about, you know,in bedtoo?"
Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't silver, which was a good sign."In chargedoes not make sense within bedwithout additional information.In charge ofwhat?In any case, that would not come up in conversation.You do not need to understand the specifics in order to speak the language well enough to –"
"I don't want to speak the languagewell enough," I interrupted."I want tounderstand.There's no point learning another language if I don't understand the framework behind it.I don't care about following the basics of what we're discussing at a meeting.I want to follow as much of the subtext as I can."
That brought her up short.Inmadra's head tilted, and some of the glazed weariness she'd had the whole call fell away, her stare evaluating even through video."You are asking for me to be not just a language tutor, but a cultural tutor as well, Sashen of Creche Thiel.Speak with your sinnenthi about this, and if he assents, I will consider offering my support in this way as well.But youmustspeak with him first.Do you understand?"
I didn't, but then the bell sounded and Inmadra had to get back to work – or start her next shift, I guess – so we ended the call and I drifted out of the shop with my head full of verbs and gender and power hierarchies and all of the hidden facets of abayan culture that I could sense but couldn't see.
It was, I think, because I was still so off-balance from yesterday – that strange speaker, who'd made my skin crawl a little; Rodil's scolding about how I was healing, or not healing, myself; the whole creche going to the theatre without even thinking of me; Araxis and thecaldathessand that stupid,impulsivekiss that had absolutely set me on fire in a way I was having a hard time ignoring – that I didn't notice, as I made my way towards the kids' school, that I'd picked up a shadow until they drew near while I tipped my empty cup into a waste bin.
"Sashen of Creche Thiel," said an abaya standing too close to my elbow.I jerked, startled, and pulled up straight."I am Crozani of Creche Naival.Would you care for some company on your walk?"She was as tall as I was, her shoulders broad, her arms well muscled beneath the gauzy volume of her sleeves, and she carried a gleaming sword by her side, her gray crest braided into a high and tight cascade.
My skin prickled with some animal sense, like I'd been spotted by a predator, and my immediate instinct was to smile and play nice and see if I might, through my usual charm and flattery, bleed some of the sense of danger out of the situation.Then again, Tam had said my instincts were shit and needed rewriting, and I knew the name Creche Naival, even if we hadn't met with them yet.
"No, I wouldn't," I said, flat.I shifted, slipping past her and heading toward the kids' school.My heart stuttered as I turned my back on her sharp stare, every instinct screaming that she wasdangerous, but I refused to let myself look back.
I didn't need to look back, though, because Crozani jogged up behind me, pulling near to my side again, although she kept a careful arm's span of distance between us."I am surprised to see you alone, untended and unguarded," she said pleasantly, although it certainly wasn't pleasant to keep talking to someone who didn't want to speak with you."Then again, I have heard that your Araxis is often without you by his side."
I had nothing to say to that, so instead, I cut her a look – what would a good virra do in this case?I didn't have the faintest fucking clue – and said, "It's not polite to approach me without an introduction."Because I'd learned at least that much in my language lessons when we'd reviewed greetings: as declared virra, I could approach others, but it was considered rude to come to me first without someone else from Creche Thiel around.Which seemed stupid, but who was I to judge?If we were making a contest out of weird social conventions, Seraphim would still take the cake.
"Hm."Crozani's smile sharpened as she looked at me, eyes gleaming."But you are not bound by tradition, are you?Araxis of Creche Thiel has said as much, and you are certainly proving that on Sozamia."Her eyes dragged down my body as she walked next to me.The school wasn't far away, so I drew up short.I wasn't going to lead a Naival sinnenthi anywhere near the kids, not even with the intermediary approval of their status.As far as I was concerned, Creche Naival – who Vivith had stolen the eggs from and because of whose complaint the children had been threatened with death if ever captured – could get fucked, just like all of the Concord houses.
"I'm busy," I said, crossing my arms hard across my body.
She smiled at that, inclining her head."You are right, of course.Here."She tapped at her wristband – a sleek, gold model that screamed wealth – and I felt my own band buzz against the inside of my wrist."For your time."
I didn't need to look at my interface to know that she'd just tipped me, like she might have if she'd come to Alet Trident's den to fuck me.My chest tightened, and something strangely similar to shame fomented there.But I wasn't ashamed, Iwasn't: I'd needed work and I'd found it and I'd been good at it.And there was nothing wrong with fucking people and there wasnothing wrongwith doing it for money.How was that any worse than being paid to work in a refinery?And why was there a little voice from some shadowy corner of my soul that still insisted that it justwas?
There weren't any marn dens in Xitera.Were there abayan whores?You had to wonder.
"I can see I've upset you," murmured Crozani."My apologies.It was not my intent.I merely wished to keep you company on your walk, Sashen.You should be better guarded and more closely tended to.I will take my leave."She stepped back, but I couldn't let that be the impression she walked away with, even if it was all bullshit, which I expected it was.
"You don't know the first thing about me or the first thing about my relationship with Araxis, and I don'tknow you," I said, the words coming out like jagged glass."So I'dkindlyask that the next time you'd like to speak with a member of Creche Thiel, you reach out to arrange a formal meeting like every other respectable creche on Sozamia has done."
Crozani ducked her head in faux apology, still smiling in a way that made my skin crawl."Of course," she said, low.In the distance, I could hear the chime indicating the end of day for the children.I didn't let myself look in that direction.She straightened, nodded once, and said, "I will leave you to your walk."
I stood there, watching Crozani of Creche Naival vanish into the distance, waiting until she was far away before I turned toward the school and met Sadin, Adrathi, and Talvi out front, where they were hovering near their auvril teacher, Kekobu, looking distressed.The moment Adrathi set eyes on me, she made a victorious cry."Isaidour Sashen wouldn't forget about us!"
"I didn't forget."I smiled reflexively and drew close to their teacher's side, her head tilting in curiosity as I leaned in."I just – I think I need to send a message before we leave.We might need to stay here for a little bit.Sorry.I don't mean to intrude."
Her glossy black feathers ruffled but Kekobu didn't ask questions, instead suggesting to the children that they go back inside and help her gather items from the grounds for tomorrow'snature art.While they were busy, I stepped inside the short wall surrounding the school and pulled up Araxis's contact information.I didn't even bother messaging, flashing up a vid call instead.
"Hey," I said when the call went through, his features tight with concern where he hovered above my wrist."So you're not going to believe who was just a major creep all over me."
