He met us at the school in almost no time at all.The kids, burbling with excitement, chattered the whole way home as we walked carefully along the ward’s pristine boulevards and I kept an eye out for Crozani of Creche Naival."Are you well?"Araxis asked as we cut through the park we could see from our bedroom window, the children stopping to look at a public art display that had just been installed and mostly looked like someone had crumpled up some metal into unattractive shapes and then dumped it in the park to catch the artificial sunlight overhead.
What he wanted to know, I thought, was if I was rattled.If I'd been afraid.If having a sinnenthi I didn't know come up to me and make a few shitty comments had left me frightened and trembling.
"Yeah, it was nothing," I said with a shrug.And then, seriously, "But if she comes up to me when I'm with the kids, I'm going to punch her in her fucking throat, and you'll just have to deal with the political ramifications."Because Iwould.It's what I was working toward.I didn't want anyone's first thought about me to be that I might have been frightened of someonetalking to meand paying me for my time.
A warm trill slipped from Araxis's throat, and he smiled as he angled his head toward me – and that smile was so bright, there in the open air of the park, that I nearly lost my footing.Like a beacon, drawing me in.
But I couldn't let it.I couldn't lethim.I knew that.
I swallowed."So," I said, looking away and instead thinking of the credits Crozani had flicked toward me, and the credits that Araxis would be dropping into my account in a couple of days."We have that call with Creche Ceravin in an hour.What do I need to know?"
That beatific smile faltered, and then fell, and Araxis folded his hands into the small of his back, his shoulders straight and upright."There is nothing you need to know," he said, turning to look at the children as they darted between sculptures, chortling."Vivith and I have prepared.If you would like to be elsewhere –"
"I don't want to be elsewhere," I said, pulse picking up like it had with Crozani.As if my body read what he'd said without saying it – that he didn't want me there – as the same kind of threat."I'd like to be there.I'd like to help."
Araxis drew up short, gravel crunching beneath his boots.
"I'dliketo know more," I continued, heart still galloping along for some reason."I don't know anything, Araxis.I feel stupid at so many of these meetings, like I'm fumbling around in the dark.If I could just know some basics, like who's in the Concord and who has a seat in the Assembly.Or if I could know a little about each creche before our meetings – who they are, what they want, what they might do for us – I'dlikethat.I know I'm just supposed to sit there and be quiet, to speak when I'm spoken to, but…"
His dark eyes studied me, the light from the artificial sky above reflecting in their inky depths."I always welcome your voice, if you wish to contribute," Araxis murmured."Of course I could prepare this information for you.You did say, in your judicial interview, that having access to information, to reference data, is important for you.It makes you feel more secure.This would… help you?"
I hated thinking about Araxis sitting on the judiciary ship, listening to me spill my guts, sharing every private thought and hidden feeling.I hated that it had left him thinking of me as – weak.I hated that I'd had to sit there at all.I hated thatanyof it had happened at all.
And I really fucking hated that this is where we'd ended up.
He wouldn't touch me.He didn't want me around.And even though he looked at me sometimes like he was starving, I understood that what he was craving was something I couldn't give him.And all the while, when he smiled in the sunlight, I felt like his radiance might destroy me.
"Yeah," I said distantly."That would help me.Maybe it's private.You don't have to tell me anything."
If he did, at least I could share it with Perseus.I was increasingly sure that they were going to be pulling me out in a year and taking me to some corner of the galaxy that was supposed to feel like home even though I'd never been there, with a culture – or cultures – I couldn't relate to any better than abayan culture.
"I will see what I can compile," Araxis said, earnest and certain next to me.I faked a smile, helped gather up the kids, and together we walked back to our creche suite for the string of meetings still on the day's docket.And all the while, all I could hear in my mind was Crozani's sharp voice, repeating, again and again,for your timeand the distant, echoing chime of my wristband.
* * *
"I'm going to head out for a run."I peeled out of the high-collared shirt and blouse I'd been in for the three (three!) meetings we'd had since getting in that evening, although they had felt a little better after Araxis sent me some bullet points on each creche the moment we'd gotten in from the park.Even so, it had been a lot of sitting and I was still antsy after the encounter with Crozani of Creche Naival and needed to burn some of the energy off before bed.My evening had been helpfully marked asPersonal Timewhen we'd gotten back to the creche that afternoon.I'd started suspecting that Araxis added free time into my schedule when he wanted me out of the way – he certainly seemed eager to encourage me to leave and always looked startled if I stuck around when I didn't have to – so that was my cue then.
Araxis's dark eyes tracked my movements from where he stood by the glowing screen, a dozen messages up at once while he cross-referenced them.He'd gotten lost in the middle of some reply the moment I'd started untying my pants, his fingers hovering above his wrist – stuck."Hm?"
I snorted, down to just a dark pair of briefs, pleased despite everything.It was comfortable to be admired in this particular way.It was almost a relief.At least I understood the looks he shot me when he thought I wouldn't notice, or when he was too tired to try and hide them away.At least he still wanted me in this way.
And after that kiss –
I couldn't think about it, or I'd get a hard-on and I really didn't want to try to navigatethatwith Araxis, not now.
"I'll stick to Verdant Ward," I said.At his blank look, I repeated, "For my run."I stepped into the closet, digging out the clothes I'd worn for training at the Tournament.The basic line, which all of the competitors had gotten, tended to be more conservative and so might work to hide my bare neck.Of course, they'd also made me extra slutty outfits, which I guess I might as well put away for the time being.
I'd never been more aware of a square inch of my own skin or what it could mean.I'd worked so hard to be unbothered by everything Seraphim had insisted I should be ashamed of, and yet here I wasagain.
"I have started working on the information you requested," Araxis said after I hauled on the new shirt, tapping his wrist input off and turning to give me his full attention."I should have it ready for you by tomorrow, if that is soon enough."
I stepped into loose pants that tapered at the ankles, tugging on the shoes (actualhuman shoes!) that had been included in the package from Valerie.These, Valerie had written in her little note, were for running and exercise.She'd also sent me a half dozen other pairs for various purposes, and a stack of actual physical books for the kids all about different ecosystems on Earth and the animals who lived there.Araxis, curious, had asked me about the package, and I'd come up with what was mostly the truth: I'd sort of befriended the human translator who'd been on the judiciary ship.She was from Sol and saw it as her mission to introduce me to some aspects of different human cultures that weren't as awful as my space cult had been.He'd looked like he wanted to ask me more, but instead Araxis had smiled and said it was good that I was making friends, like I was some sad, lonely kid at litany study who no one wanted to sit next to.
The only thing I hated more than indifference was pity.
I crouched and tied the laces."That's actually faster than I expected.It's just… there's not a lot to read about the empire.There's so much I don't understand and I don't want to say the wrong thing and make you look bad.A lot of the time, I feel like I'm trying to pilot without a starchart."
I stood, rolling my shoulders and stretching my arms high above my head.I'd tied a light sweater around my waist, just in case, and I could see Araxis tracking the flashes of skin that showed as I moved.
