Araxis looked back, studying me as heat prickled up the back of my neck.Something about his attention felt particularly intense, like standing too close to a fire, but also like I could never get close enough.Like maybe he wasseeingsomething in me he hadn't seen before, and I still couldn't name what that was, too close to it to see it myself.
"I do not tell you enough how much I cherish and admire you," Araxis said, voice low.He was still beneath my fingers, the contact almost electric.I let my thumb shift, just slightly, so that I could stroke the soft skin on the inside of his wrist, and his breathactuallyhitched at that tiny movement.As if he was as in tune with my body as I was with his."I have not wanted to – to apply pressure where it is not wanted.But you must know, Sashen, that I –"
He stopped, purple tongue flicking out to his lower lip, struggling for a moment with what he wanted to say.
"What must I know?"I asked, stroking his wrist again.A little tremble shook his hand at the touch.
"You must know that I think of you every moment you are not by my side.I think of you constantly.I wish to always be near you.Hm, I say youmustknow," his mouth twisted a little, unhappy, a whine of something like distress beneath the words, "but I must have failed to make that clear, for you to feel as you do.I will correct that, beloved.Though – you will tell me if it's too much?Too sinnenthi?"
I exhaled a breath that was somewhere on the way to a laugh."That's a very entinn question.But yeah," I said."I'll tell you if it's too much."
He nodded and we headed back into the meeting room, my hand reluctantly dropping away from his wrist.As I sat there, staring at my grammar worksheet, I couldn't help but also turn over the conversation with Araxis.He was, I thought,trying, as best he could.And what else could I want, really?What I'd mistaken for indifference was reticence.The distance that I found simultaneously intolerable and necessary – space to breathe, and space to feel lonely all at once – was Araxis's attempt at being gentle and careful.He was sometimestoocareful, but how could he know unless I told him?
Before the Tournament, I'd been surprised by his confidence when he'd seemed so shy at first.And it was like I'd almost forgotten that hehadbeen shy and hesitant during that first week we spent together.He'd been unsure, uncertain how to proceed.I'd been expecting him to have more clarity: like, because we knew each other, because we'd fucked a handful of times, because I'd declared for him, because the truth was out between us, he'd be the confident Araxis.
But it was like taking a tea break, wasn't it?He'd fucked up in a massive way that he was deeply ashamed of and, uncertain, he'd become hesitant and shy again.And I'd been waiting for him to stride forward, the knight of Creche Thiel, my space prince.
And it wasn't like I knew much about relationships.I certainly didn't have a starchart for this one – but of the two of us, Ihadto be better equipped for this.Which meant that, if I wanted to work any of it out, I had to step up and – and lead.
I'm trying to follow where you lead, he'd said, and I'd been doing a shit job leading, waiting for him to be head of house and take charge.Although because I'd also stipulated that, when he was head of house or when we were on creche business, I was working for him and he was my client, of course he wouldn't.Hecouldn't, because they were separate realms.
No wonder everything had been a mess.
I tapped my stylus against the datapad, forcing myself to try to translate the same sentence –It would be my pleasure to offer you tea– for six different social positions.I stared down at the datapad, considering just how different abayan language and convention were because of power hierarchies.
I'd been thinking of myself as still having less power, but it was clear that, to Araxis, I had more.
I will make you tea, I wrote firmly.It is my pleasure to care for you in this way.
* * *
The call dragged on for an eternity, until the conversation shifted into familiar abayan phrases indicating the close of a successful meeting.It has been our pleasure to speak with a representative from such a fine creche, andYou have done us an honour by inviting us to speak, and more of the same.
I set my datapad aside – I'd finished a great number of exercises and had sent them to Inmadra, who'd already managed to get the first few back to me with some truly scathing marginalia – and shuffled a little closer to Araxis so that I was sure I was visible.I smiled my pretty smile and waited patiently – okay, maybe not patiently; my fingers were beating a staccato drumbeat against my thigh – for the screen to click off.
"Thank all the stars," sighed Vivith the moment the feed died."They would not stopspeaking."
Araxis trilled, and I stood up, rolling my shoulders and stretching."Good result, though?"I asked.
Vivith's dark stare flashed up to look at me, their mouth narrow, as if they'd forgotten I was there and had been unpleasantly reminded.
"Yes," said Araxis, also standing as Vivith gathered the tray with the teapot and array of cups, and the little plates of food we'd been nibbling on throughout the meeting.
"We have agreed to invest in one of their textile productions in exchange for their support for our petition.In truth, I think the exchange is to our benefit: it is a good investment regardless, although their creche was subject to some unpleasantness recently so they have struggled to find partners."
"What kind of unpleasantness?"I asked as we drifted back into our room.I was already tugging out of the formal top with its high collar.
"Their head of house stepped down, and there was averypublic feud about which arkathi – that means those who are eligible to hold a leadership position – would take on the mantle."Araxis, too, shrugged out of his formal jacket, following me into the closet where I had summarily dumped all of my clothes in the bin for laundry.They needed to be washed and pressed every time I wore them, which struck me as incredibly stupid.I mean, Iwashedmy other clothes, but you could go a long time between washing ugly sweaters that never touched your skin and only occasionally got strange substances on the cuff.
"What should I wear?"I asked him as he carefully hung his jacket up.I couldn't help but notice thathisformal wear wasn't as finicky.At Araxis's blank look, I added, "You know, for our date?If – that's still happening?"
Had he forgotten?Had that been a fever dream entirely?Our meetinghadrun long but –
He must have seen the thought on my face, because Araxis flushed silver immediately."I did not forget, Sashen," he said."Icouldnot.You can wear whatever you like."He turned his back to me as he slipped out of his shirt.
"What Ilike," I said carefully, trying not to get distracted by the muscles of his back, the elegant shape of his spine, "is knowing how to dress for the situation.I like – meeting the brief."
Araxis pulled on a dark draped top that showed a lovely expanse of collarbone.His eyes were endless black as he looked at me, as I stood nearly naked in front of him, that stare skating over my body before he forced himself to look in my eyes again."I – Whatever you were planning on wearing for your afternoon plans will be fine," he said."We're travelling to Glimmer Ward to an art gallery.It's not an event, so there is no need for formality.Unless you would like that?"He paused, the skin around his eyes tightening."Should I have chosen something more formal?The literature was unclear."
