Then again – why should I?I was allowed to rent an apartment.I was allowed to hire a coach and a tutor and a physician, and I could buy as many dumplings as I wanted.And with the layers and layers of encryption Valerie insisted I use before I sent Perseus any files or reports, it wasn't like anyone would figure out who I was talking to or what I was sending them.
As far as anyone was concerned, I was talking to my pen pal – my new friend?– Valerie Prior, who was helping me understand more about what it meant to be human in a way that didn't suck.
At least now that I knew, I could be extra careful.But –
"Were youplanningon telling me?"I asked in a rush.Because Araxis had slipped up, andthenfilled me in, rather than bringing it to me directly.And how long, exactly, had this been going on?
Araxis stiffened visibly, his skin matte and pale."I –" And then he stopped, ducking his head, saying in almost a mutter to himself, "Of course this is the sort of thing you would expect to be told.Ofcourse."
What, that was asurprise?"Yeah," I said, flat."I definitelywant to knowif someone'sspying on me, Araxis.Is there a part of asking to be let in that doesn't make sense?This –" It had to be cultural.There was something I was missing, something that made what seemed like a straightforward request fraught.I sighed, looking up at the ceiling."Why would you normallynottell someone?"
If I could understand that, maybe I could get to a place where each failure didn't feel so deliberately, painfully personal.
Araxis cleared his throat, subvocals tight when he spoke."There are – layers to privacy and access to information within a creche, within abayan society as a whole.Over time, a creche-mate gains access to more about – a creche's structure, its history.In this case, discipline.It's meant to be as trust is earned.Although of course I trust you, Sashen, Ido, and I have vowed to keep no secrets from you – and so I will do better.I struggle, sometimes, to see the choices I am making from… a different perspective.And it is compounded by not wishing to hurt you more than I have already done.Though of course what hurts you isnot knowing, yes?"
Maybe it was wise not to trust a newcomer right away.After all, I was running all sorts of information directly to Perseus.A twist of guilt tightened in my gut.I ignored it, exhaling."Yeah.So we've got a bit of a problem, then," I said."Your culture keeps a lot hidden away; everything is veiled, implied, out of sight.And I need to know things to feel safe."
"I will tell you anything," Araxis said, earnest.His hands were still folded behind his back, his arms flexed with tension.I could tell even beneath the jacket.
He might tell me, if I thought to ask."I want a cultural tutor," I said then.At the flare of pain that flashed across his features – I guess hehadjust offered to answer my questions and I'd shrugged him off immediately – I added, "I know someone who already said she'd do it, but I had to – Fuck, itiskind of funny even if it's bleak.I guess I need your permission first."
"You don't need my permission for anything," Araxis said.
"But Ido.Becauseyoumight think that, but you know other abaya don't."I shrugged then, as if it didn't matter."I think it would be better if I worked with someone else."
"Yes, of course," Araxis murmured, stare drifting away."You do not trust me to tell you what you need to know."
I didn't trust him torecognizewhat he needed to tell me, and I could ask Inmadra any questions at all without worrying about her telling me it wasfinefor me to flout convention and chart my own course.Araxis was generous, but his generosity had its own cost too.
"I trust you to be kind," I said finally, chest tight."And – I mean, you're not exactly the most typical abaya, are you?Which is good, but I want to know how to do everything properly, so that if I'm ignoring the rules, it's on purpose.You'd just tell me there aren't rules or that I don't need to worry about them."
Araxis was quiet, his jaw tight."Of course you have my permission to see a cultural tutor," he said, soft."You have my permission to do whatever it is that you wish.Whatever brings you – happiness and joy and comfort.You never need to justify yourself to me.Understand that my permission and support can be assumed, always."
That wasn't true, but he needed it to be.I watched him and then, because Ihadto know, "Why was Vivith watching me?I know I've been headed out on my time off, but that wasyouridea.So I don't understand."
Araxis exhaled, looking weary."They are feeling displaced, I think.Vivith thought you would be much as an abayan virra; instead, you are my equal.I wish to spend time withyou; I want to knowyourthoughts.And you're challenging me to think in new ways, which Vivith – Ah, well.It's hard to say.But they will not bother you now.I have told them, as head of house.It isdecided."He used an abayan word, one of the cultural words Inmadra had explained to me."Hm, that means –"
"A binding command," I finished."I know."
Araxis's head tilted in surprise.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes.It wasn't any harder to learn abayan than it had been to learn Standard; in fact, it was a lot easier.I had worksheetsanda language tutor, even if he didn't know that."Don't look so shocked," I said."I do a lot of worksheets."I went to mention Inmadra too, but I found myself hesitating – like maybe knowing I was seeing someone else as a cultureandlanguage tutor might hurt him.He'd offered both, and I'd declined.Instead, because I wanted to show off a little and because I thought it might leech some of the tension and what felt a lot likesadnessout of the air, I added in abayan, "I aim to be a diligent student.I aim to please my sinnenthi."I'd worked on that sentence structure during the morning meeting.
At once, Araxis flushed pink and ducked his head.Point proven, I walked past the partial wall to go look at the rest of the pieces out back – partly because I wanted to see them, but also because I wanted a little space to think about what Araxis had told me.
So Vivith had been spying on me, and it sounded, based on what he said, like it was because they were… jealous?
But what did Vivith have to be jealous of?It wasn't even like Araxis had been spending much time with me: we went to meetings and appointments together, which was expected for a virra-sinnenthi pair; we slept together, even if we weren't fucking, which surely Vivith had to know given that they apparently knew I hadn't accepted Araxis's apology yet; but on my time off, Araxis didn't have anything to do with me.Vivith had even been the one to message me about the meeting with Creche Miras, because Araxis had refused.
So –
You're challenging me to think in new ways, he'd said.
"What do you mean that I'm making you think about things differently?"I asked as I studied a striking blue and white tapestry with little threads of metal glinting throughout, like waves on the ocean or fish jumping from the water."What's changed?"
Araxis stood by another plinth, but when I turned it became clear he wasn't looking at the piece.He was watching me, eyes wide and black."Hm.Many things.You said, in your judicial interview, that we might have approached the Tournament by aiming to help the other competitors.Instead of looking for weaknesses, might we have identified common ground or ways to alleviate suffering?I wonder that now, as we forge new relationships with other creches.Do we need to have the upper hand, or – should we be ahelpinghand?It seems to me that too often, we aim to use others for our own ends.I don't want to do that.I do not wantthatto be who we are.I do not think that is the future for Creche Thiel or for Xitera."
I had to look away, my chest suddenly tight.What a beautiful way to think about the work he was doing.How hadImade him think like that?
