Although I suppose he understood now how using people for your own aims did harm.
"Vivith says that I am being soft and sentimental," Araxis admitted, letting his stare drift back to the sculpture in front of him."But I do not think it is a bad thing to be soft.You often said that youlikedwhen I was soft and gentle.Though," he glanced up, a darting look accompanied by a sly smile, "you said you like a firm touch as well."
"I think I said that it depends on who's doing the touching," I found myself saying, studying him there, haloed by the bright lights overhead, the rest of the room cast to shadow around us.
Araxis's smile fell for a reason I didn't understand, and he turned, pacing over to another wall.Maybe he was feeling guilty again about… everything.
"Well, thank you, anyway," I said, drifting toward him, "for putting a stop to...Vivith's spying, or whatever."
"Of course," said Araxis, shoulders stiff.We stood in silence near each other for several minutes, walking from piece to piece.The longer we went without speaking, the more something itched at me.I tried to see if I could make sense of it, studying the tick of tension in Araxis's jaw, the way his fingers were knotted behind his back; I tried to make sense of it in myself as well.
"Who's the artist?"I asked finally, grasping for anything.
"Her name is Celravi.She's a crecheless inavil.I gather that she was understood to be another gender before she came of age, when she declared herself to be as she is."
I pulled up short.It couldn't be."That's a pretty name.Is it common?"
Araxis shook his head, staring at a small tapestry in front of us, although in truth he was staring at nothing at all, a familiar empty distance in his eyes."No, not at all.It is very old.She apparently chose it for herself when she left her previous creche – which does befit an inavil.The story is in the literature about this collection."
I'd have to ask my Celravi when I saw her later today if she was an artist.This work suited her, or at least the little I knew about her.I'd have to tell her I'd been here with Araxis.
Next to me, Araxis straightened, blinking rapidly."I meant to ask, Sashen, if you're comfortable speaking about it – how is it that you came to chooseyourname?"
I shrugged.It wasn't a particularly good story."I picked Sashen because it's close to a common nickname for Alikander – but it's different, so it wouldn't remind me too much about where I come from.I guess I just liked how it sounded.Surnames are inherited from the father on Seraphim, and I didn't want his name attached to me.Solarmeans...of the sun, I guess.”I offered the Standard translation, or as close as I could, before continuing.“I liked the idea that I could give myself a name that was kind of connected to where humans came from – we call our home starSol– but also just to space.Picking that for my surname was like I wasn't so muchhischild as I was a child of the cosmos, or something like that."It sounded stupid when I said it, but it had felt important when I'd been fifteen and choosing a name for the ID Alet Trident was paying a lot to have made for me.
"Itdoessuit you," Araxis murmured, watching me."You are a bright star."
I swallowed, throat tight."I mean, not any more.Now I'm Sashen of Creche Thiel."
Because I was, wasn't I?Another name I didn't choose, given to me by my attachment to someone who mattered more than I did.It was why I was trying toalsobe just Sashen in that second part of my life here on Sozamia.I didn't want to be someone who existed only in connection to someone else who mattered more.I wanted to have substance on my own.I wanted to believe that I could, anyway, even if I was believing a lie.
I stopped in front of the largest tapestry, a sprawling piece of a dozen different shades of gray and gold that seemed to depict two figures reaching desperately for each other on either side of a gulf, a chasm fracturing the earth below.Next to me, Araxis was silent; when I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, I could see the tension in his jaw; I could see his throat working as he tried to swallow back a subvocal of some sort.I wrenched my attention back to the tapestry, but the longer we stood there looking at it, the tighter my own throat felt.
"I like this one," I tried, blinking furiously."I mean, I think I do.It makes me – sad?Is art supposed to do that?"Because wasn't that just like us, reaching without knowing if our fingers would ever touch?Hadn't I thought that was what love was before?But this tapestry – it felt hopeless.The fractures were so deep, splintering off into a vast chasm, a hollow core, the void of space itself.The schism could only get worse, the edges widening stone by stone until all that was left was a great emptiness, an expanse that couldn’t be crossed.And the longer the figures stood on the edge, the more likely it was that they’d be swallowed up by the darkness below.
"It can."Araxis didn't look at me, although his weight shifted so that he stood just a fraction of an inch closer."This – It depicts two of our ancient heroes, Sadri and Indiva.This is from their most cherished story.Here you can see one of the great earthquakes on Xenkavic that ripped them asunder, but they both undertook a sacred labour and were granted one wish each.Sadri wished for Indiva to have her greatest desire, and Indiva wished for Sadri to find perfect fulfillment.And so they were reunited, for Indiva desired nothing so much as her Sadri, and Sadri's fulfillment could only be found in her Indiva."
I looked at him, then, bathed in light from above, and he looked at me, and his lips curved in a fragile, hesitant smile."They have a great many adventures, Sadri and Indiva.This is a reminder that – that there are many labours we might choose to undertake.In abayan we say that something isthe labour of my choosing."The phrase was beautiful, soft and yearning in a way that the translation couldn't capture."It means that we are willing to struggle and even suffer, to persevere and persist, because the labour is – It is cleansing.It is in pursuit of that which is important to us.Our greatest desire, our perfect fulfillment."
My heart was shivering against my ribs as I stood there, staring at him.I swallowed, throat dry.It was, in some ways, the opposite of what I'd said I wanted to do with Araxis.I hadn't wanted to workwithhim on fixing this… thing.I'd wanted space to try and fix myself.And the more space I'd taken, the farther away I'd walked from the chasm that separated us.Instead of reaching for each other, we'd both goneaway.
I looked back to the tapestry, throat tight, my skin prickling.But here I was.Herewewere.And we weren't exactly Sadri and Indiva, but we were exploring whether we could be.Araxis had asked me on a date – had beenresearchingdating for my sake – and I'd been quietly working myself to the bone to try and be the best virra I could be for him, even if I ended up walking away at the end of our contract.
Araxis said that both Indiva and Sadri had chosen to undertake their own labour, something to make them worthy of a great gift.Maybethatwaswhat we were doing.Before we could be reunited, we had to, each of us, undertakelabour of our choosing, and then we'd see if what we still wished for was each other.
I opened my mouth to try and put some of that to words, but then my wristband chimed with a reminder.When I flicked my calendar open, I saw with start that my session with Inmadra was rapidly approaching.I’d lost track of time."Oh," I started."I –"
Araxis waved a hand."It's fine, Sashen.I know you had other things to do today, and we were late departing and – it took some time to arrive."His lips quirked in a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes."I consider myself very fortunate to have had an excellent escort, otherwise I might still be signing things."
"Or fending off wandering hands," I joked."There's a whole art form to that, believe me.I'll have to teach you."
"Ah, well," his smile sharpened, "You are a very fine teacher.I am always amenable to your instruction."
I thought about asking if he was also amenable to my wandering hands but – it felt like too much, too soon.Instead, I tapped off the notification and looked toward the door."Thank you," I said, "For arranging this.It was – It was nice."
"Hm,nice," he repeated, dry."Enjoy your afternoon.Did you want a shuttle?"
"Oh, no," I said breezily."I like to take the inter-ward tunnels.Keeps me humble."
