So Vivith had been sentsomewhereon station to dosomesort of work for the creche.It was all very mysterious – or maybe Araxis thought that the less I knew about where Vivith was, the less likely I was to accidentally provoke them."But I'm good for the afternoon?"I asked, bending back down to lace up my sneakers.
Araxis inclined his head, turning his attention back to the display.Then, as I was heading out the door, he cleared his throat softly.I hesitated, looking over my shoulder."I – My schedule is a bit tight at the moment, but I would like to take you on another date, Sashen."
My heart pattered against my ribs, a gentle jog."You know me," I said breezily with a wink I knew he'd appreciate."I'm good at getting into –"
He trilled."Tight places,yes.I… recall."I didn't have time to do the calculation on whether he meant he remembered my accidental innuendo or if he was thinking about the times that I'd fucked him, my body moving inside of his, because he rushed ahead and added, "When you come home tonight, perhaps we can look at our schedules?"
"Yeah, I'd like that."We'd barely been able to find time to set aside for sword-dancing – we'd had to look days into the future, and even then it had required that we move around a couple of appointments – so the idea of trying to find time for another outing was daunting, but when had I ever been the type of person to give up?On impulse, I stepped in closer and grabbed his free hand; his hand was cool, his skin familiar under my fingertips."I'll see you tonight."
"Enjoy your time," he murmured as I let him go, and I tried not to notice the flicker of something that was strangely close to sadness on his face as I drifted away and made my way to Radiant Ward.
Tam ran me through a brutal series of drills before he'd so much as start warming himself up."You're slowing down," Tam observed idly as I jabbed furiously at the holo targets hovering in front of my face."Trouble in paradise?"
"Shutup," I wheezed, staggering back after I'd failed to clear yet another level in the simulator.I grabbed one of the towels I wasprettysure was clean and mopped up the sweat beading my neck.Dreyko, who'd been fiddling with the settings on a machine that was out of order, tossed me an electrolyte drink as he passed by, which I tipped back as I gasped for breath."It's – There's a lot going on.I might have – caused some drama."
Tam's eyes crinkled happily at that."With your little jailbreak?"His laugh boomed through the empty gym."Yeah, even I caught wind of that, kid.Your prince upset about it?"
"No," I panted, draining more of the cool liquid."He was pretty fucking pleased, actually.Araxis is great."
Tam tilted his head, his ear spines flexing, tail flicking slightly.His muscular arms were folded hard across his chest as he took me in carefully, and then he shrugged his massive shoulders."If he's so great, why are you down here by yourself?You could bring him along, you know.He'sokay, but I could still teach him a thing or two."
Something adjacent to irritation tightened my jaw.I wiped at my cheek with the back of one hand, weighing my options.I could give him some bullshit, or I could try something like the truth.And I was pretty sick of lying.
"I – I don't want to just be a person who exists in relation to Araxis," I said after putting my thoughts in some sort of order."I want to be myself.You said that I could choose to hide behind his jacket.Well, I don't want to: I want to be able to stand up for myself, to takecareof myself.I'm doing this for me.I love him,andthat doesn't make me… less of a person.So it's not bad that I do some things on my own."
Tam actually leaned forward, eyes narrowing as he stared at me."Of course loving someone doesn't make you less of aperson.What kind of fucked up shit do they teach you in your human space cult?Or is that some abayan garbage they're trying to get you to believe?"
"Well –" I started, and then I stopped, frowning.WhydidI think that?
I wasn't sure I wanted to be talking about it when I could, instead, be getting my ass handed to me in the way I was paying quite a lot for."Stop asking me to think about deep stuff!"I cried, throwing the towel at him."Just make me bleed a little!"
Tam chuckled, shaking his head."Yeah, yeah, I'll do my best to beat some sense into that thick skull of yours.But seriously, kid: you should think more about that, and if that's what he's making you feel –"
"It's nothim," I insisted.Then I smiled at him, sympathetic, and said in the sweetest voice I could muster, "It's so good of you to care.I know at your age, your love life is as barren as a blast zone so you need to fret all about mine to feel a shadow of your youth, but –"
Tam stood up and proceeded to trounce me, as requested, although I was pretty sure that no amount of brain rattling would ever make something as helpful assenseorwisdomshake loose.
I practically staggered my way back to my apartment, where Rodil and Elethenn were waiting.I tapped my wristband against the new security panel and then pressed my thumb against the biometric scanner – a whole second layer of security that my landlord had added after Elethenn had apparently been rather stern; I had a hard time imagining it, but the malat had been apologetic and a little flustered by the whole interaction, so I guess it had to be true – before sitting down heavily on a chair and hauling off my sweater.
Rodil made their customary disapproving sounds while Elethenn put on tea."I'll, uh, go clean up first," I said, grimacing as I looked down at the spray of blood on my tank top."It looks more dramatic than it is.Turns out lips bleed like a motherfucker."My bottom lip was currently making all my words clumsy, otherwise I'd have tried it in abayan.I'd convinced Celravi to teach me several ways to swear when I'd been chatting with her on the balcony outside after a quick lesson the day before.Philosophically, I am in opposition to the notion that words can be goodorbad, she'd explained and then proceeded to arm me with a list I was sure would peel paint.
I tottered to the hygiene room and winced at my own reflection, working hard to get the blood off my face and neck and hands."Jesus fucking Christ," I muttered in English.Then again, I'd asked for it – and it was amazing these days what I could take without getting too fazed.Tam had even said by the end that I wasn't hesitating now.Even though I knew Tam, even though I liked him, I didn't pull my punches, and I'd gotten him good twice before we called it.I even had a spatter of his gleaming blood on my shirt, which shimmered in the flickering light above the sink.
"You shouldrest," Rodil insisted, after dealing with the worst of the bruises and fixing up the cut on my lip.They even got the swelling down entirely, which was a relief: I wasn't sure Araxis would like my face when it looked like this, and I kind of wanted him to like my face.I could admit, to myself at least, that I wanted him to like all of me.
It felt like we were getting somewhere, maybe.It felt like we could.
"Can't," I said, stretching my back and hissing with pain.Tomorrow morning, we were going to go train at a gym near our suite – he'd reserved the facility for us.He'd told me in the green messages, which meant it wasn't a date, but I was still excited.I didn't want to be slow.I'd told him I'd show him how much better I was."In fact, is there anything you could give me that would maybe take the edge off of the pain?I've got –" I needed a better reason than,I want to impress my sinnenthi when we sword-dance tomorrow, "I promised to do some sword-dancing for some guests tomorrow.I don't want to let anyone down by being less than perfect."That sounded right; it sounded appropriately virra.
Rodil fluted out a sigh and said, not for the first time since they'd started cleaning me up, "I would recommend you consider speaking with your sinnenthi about your training here in Radiant Ward.Perhaps he could find you somewhere to train that is – more suitable, with a more reasonable schedule.I would be happy to attest to that, if your sinnenthi wishes."
"I like Tam," I said, rolling my shoulder and wincing.I kneaded the muscle there, which was tender and awful."And I like Radiant Ward.I'm just a dancer from Yellow Fin.Thisiswhat's suitable.And besides, Araxis trusts me to set my own schedule – so you don't need to worry.I'm fine.This is how humans get stronger."
"Hm."Rodil straightened after poking and prodding at my knee, which I'd said was bothering me."In that case, I will send you a note with some medication you should be able to obtain at a dispensary in Verdant Ward.You are an important person; the request should suffice.If there are any questions, you may share my ping address with them and I will speak with them directly."
Iwas an important person?If there was any truth to that, it was because of my proximity to Araxis – but if that got me the good meds, so be it.I made all the appropriate sounds and sent Rodil and Elethenn on their way before holing up to work a little on a report for Perseus I'd been picking away at.This time, because I had the dossier Araxis had prepped for me and because I had a lot to say about abayan gender and how that might impact negotiations – would creche representatives eventalkto a human negotiator who wasn’t arkathi?And how would Perseus know the genders of who they were sending in unless they had an abaya on hand to tell them?– I had more to actually say, so it took me a few hours.By the end, my neck was stiff, my head was swimming, and I was ready to just fall into bed next to Araxis and pretend I wasn't going to do it all over again tomorrow.Plus sword-dancing, but at least that would be fun.
I closed everything up after sending off the report on my new display, which I sure hoped no one was going to rip off the wall.Valerie had asked me about the weapons I'd tried out at the range –I happen to know someone who isveryinto rifles, she'd written,and they'll want all the sordid details; I have accepted that I am doomed to always be second-best to their first and truest love, a sniper rifle that has a name and everything– so I resolved to fill her in on the way back.
