What I was trying to say was that I wasn't sure I wanted Elethenn to see what happened when I lost my mind in this particular way.I wasn't sure I wanted him to tell Araxis that I sometimes started crying uncontrollably on the floor of the gym.He'd already seen me lose control in one way.I didn't know if I could handle him seeing the other side.
Tam's mouth turned downward."If you need a second, we'll take a second.But you've got this.This is also a killing pen, Sashen."
I chewed on that.Maybe it wasn't just the wolf inside of me I needed to face, but also its cowering and whimpering shadow.Maybe I needed to have command of both.
"And," added Tam cheerfully, "it's not like you're going to be able to hurt either of us.You're slower than you were, and you weren't ever particularly good.Besides, I don't mind a little pain.And I'd wager Elethenn doesn't either."
The startled look Elethenn shot Tam – and the flush that flared to life across his cheeks – might have been delightful in another situation, except that Tam then immediately launched himself at me and I had no time to think of anything at all other than trying desperately to avoid his massive fucking hands.
It took me five times through to get to theendof the fight without being pinned against the wall, or the floor, or once, memorably, thrown over Tam's massive shoulder – but I did it.Tam came at me hard and fast, and while Elethenn hesitated at first, he soon would surge forward to strike as well – although his blows didn't punch the wind out of me like Tam's did.
By the end, I was sore and bloodied and exhausted, and also grinning from ear to ear.I was casually holding a piece of gauze to a cut that had opened up on my lower lip while Tam chatted amicably with Elethenn about some of the fight nights coming up."You should come," he said happily, hand heavy on Elethenn's shoulder."Maybe have a few drinks, place a few bets?Or I bet we can find you some good company on the dance floor."Then, sly and low, although I could still hear him, "Some people say I'm pretty good company myself."
Elethenn flushed silver, ducking his head under Tam's bright stare, as I let the gauze drop away and then swiped the last of the sweat from my brow.I checked my wristband and grimaced at the time.Tragically, we had places to be, otherwise I could have watched Tam try to flirt with Elethenn forever.I tugged on my sweater, pulling my bag on as we said our farewells with enough time to get home for me to get prettied up for the meeting with Creche Bathel.
"So," I drawled as we headed back into the ward, "Sounds like you might like to continue joining me for these little training sessions.Unless you want aprivatesession.I mean, I'm not one to intrude."
Beside me, Elethenn's blush turned pink and I cackled, delighted."He is certainly confident," Elethenn admitted as I shoved his shoulder."And… large."He shot me a nervous look, as if he was afraid I was going to go telling Araxis that he'd contemplated fucking someone when he was supposed to be keeping an eye on me.Cute.
"I'm always happy to help facilitate," I said, grinning."You just say the word, and I'll make myself scarce.Although if you're going to be coming along with me – and I think you should – Idohave a… request."
We passed by a couple shops selling tech parts that had been stripped out of old ships, maybe by Inmadra's hands."Yes, Sashen?"he asked, head tilting.
"Sometimes I – Sometimes when I'm training, I kind of…" Fuck, how did I explain this?My tongue prodded the broken skin of my lip, thoughtful."There have been a few times when I just… kind of panic?Like, I'll freeze or, uh, start crying and – I just wonder if that happens, if you could keep it between us."
He blinked at me, once, the skin around his eyes tightening."Are you asking because you think I would gossip about you to our creche-mates, or because you wish for me to – tokeep thisfrom your sinnenthi?To lie to our head of house through omission?"He said the last part low and urgent, as if he didn't want to keep the words in his mouth.
"I don't think you'll gossip!"I said."But Araxis worries and it'snota big deal.It mostly doesn't happen now anyway, but he'd –"Fuck, I didn't know how to talk about why I didn't want Araxis to know.Because he'd feel bad, knowing it was, in a way, his fault?I couldn't say that."You're my friend," I tried, "and if you're coming with me to trainas my friend, I'd like to know if I can have my own private experiences and feelings without that friend telling my – uh –"
Words failed me there.Araxis wasn't my boyfriend, given that he wasn't a boy and we were almost, in an abayan way, married.But what else did I call him?What else was there?My romantic partner?Washe?We weren't even a couple, not really.Unless we were.
Fuck, it really did my head in.
"Without my friend telling… the person I'm dating," I finished lamely.
"Dating," Elethenn repeated carefully, as if he'd never heard the word in Standard before.
I waved a hand."It's like courting, except it's not as serious."
Elethenn looked as baffled as I felt."But, Sashen, you have declared for him."
"Yes,andwe had a whirlwind romance and I had to declare for him in order to save my life.So we're, you know," I gestured broadly at nothing at all, "figuring it out.We'reseeingeach other.We're dating.And it would be nice if I could work through some of my personal shit without my friend telling the person I'mdating– courting?seeing?– about all of my… embarrassing episodes, or whatever."
Elethenn frowned."Could I have a moment to think about what you have asked?"
"Sure," I said, although that didn't sound promising.Would he just go running to Araxis and share everything I'd said, like Rodil had done with my plan to come down here?CouldI have my own friendships in the creche, or were they all subordinate to everyone's obligation to Araxis?
I sighed, poking my head into a little shop I'd stopped at a few times when I was in the neighbourhood, which had a great array of second-hand clothing, and I spent a couple minutes flicking through the offerings for something new for the museum.I settled on a particularly nice piece of abayan formal wear that was meant to go over an opaque top.Its voluminous sleeves tapered at the wrists, and the neckline – a plunging V that would probably hit my navel – was edged in a gorgeous fabric that would flutter as I moved; the collar would cover my bare neck, but leave a lot of my chest to admire.I was pretty sure it would match a pair of fancy boots Val had sent me, and while the top – blouse?– was way more than I'd have ever spent on anything back on Yellow Fin, I had credits to spend now, and I wanted to look… nice.Extra nice.
We were working tonight, but it almost felt like another date.
When I popped out again, Elethenn was waiting patiently by the door, and he looked troubled."I have considered your question," he said as we headed to the nearest checkpoint."And I believe I am comfortable with your request in principle.However, as yourfriend," he said the word carefully, "I would feel the need to let your romantic partner know if you were coming to harm, regardless of if he were head of house or not.I would consider it morally correct."
I couldn't fight him on that."Since I'm just training, we should be fine," I said, relieved."And if youwereconsidering coming down for a fight night and wanted some company, I can make myself available.Plus," I added conspiratorially as we started our climb back to Verdant Ward, "I haveso manyslutty little outfits you could borrow."Elethenn flushed silver and scrubbed a hand at the back of his neck, and I laughed in absolute delight as we made our way home.
Chapter14
Throw the Glove
