It sounded so good, and it couldn't be true."You can't know that," I muttered, still staring pointedly away."But – Iamtrying, Araxis.I hope you can see how I'm trying to – to make myself better.I'm training hard.I'm studying hard.I've read everything you've sent me, over and over.I'm –"
"Beloved," he said, his voice was so soft and full of yearning that I couldn't help but look at him.He gathered my hand between both of his, holding it like it might break, and his eyes were shimmering with emotion."You do not need to try.Iam the one who must try;Iam the one who has done wrong;Iam the one who must work to even dream of being worthy of you, as youare, Sashen, not as you think I must wish you to be."
He was breaking my heart in the most beautiful way, excising the scar tissue and finding the dark, infected bits where I was still fighting what had been inflicted on me so long ago.He cut me open with his scalpel-sharp words, and it was the sweetest relief, the kindest gift.
"I, uh," I started, voice rough.I cleared my throat, staring down at the way he held my hand."I – You know, when we came in here, I meant to be a support foryou."
He hummed out a soft, comforting sound."I think we can be a support for each other, don't you?I think we are."
I nodded, numb, and he gently, carefully released my hand.He reached to brush his fingers through my hair, and then he sighed, a soft exhale."I must prepare for the remainder of the day," he said as I leaned into his touch."Would you – Hm."
He stopped, and I looked up at him as he traced the glittering chains in my ears, his touch light; he had flushed silver."Would I what?"I asked, feeling raw and a little dizzy.
"When I have washed, I wonder if you might braid my crest," he murmured finally.
I swallowed, throat tight."Of course I will."My chest was burning with light and warmth.In that moment, and I couldn't believe it even then, the offered intimacy felt better than if he'd bitten me, if he'd slid his hands down the front of my pants and made me come.It felt like something new and startling and precious, a gift.It was something he could do for himself, but that he wantedmeto do for him, a way to solidify what we had.
Later, as I sat on one of the couches with Araxis settled between my knees, and I worked quietly on his quills, watching him show me first and then following with my own fingers, I had the distant realization that while, yes, what lay before us was challenging and daunting, here in this moment, I could be perfectly content with Araxis in a way I hadn't thought I would ever feel again.Like I was made of light that shimmered beneath my skin.Like I was suffused with affection and love, like it was glowing from every pore.Like I would never be afraid or alone again.How could I be, no matter the odds, when we had this?
Even then, I knew it was arrogant.I knew it was foolish.I knew that there would be darker things coming for us.But then, on that day, when we'd ended the contract and spoken from our hearts and Araxis sat before me, my fingers threading through his crest as he purred with contentment, I could at least imagine that only bright and good things would come for us.
It was a nice dream, while it lasted.
Chapter17
Cheap Taste
We settled into a new rhythm in Creche Thiel, Araxis carefully delegating Vivith's tasks to those who were best suited.It quickly became clear how fortunate we were to have new creche-mates: Araxis sat with Inmadra shortly after the meeting with the entire creche to review each member's strengths, listening carefully to her suggestions for delegation.He disagreed with her on several points, and Inmadra had looked pleased when he pushed back.It was as if, by listening and then following his own judgment, by finding each creche-mate's capacity and ruthlessly carving up the tasks that he and Vivith usually shared to be newly divided among those who were suited, he had passed some sort of crucial test in Inmadra's eyes.
Which was good: I knew, based on the hours I still spent with her working on my language skills, that she didn't believe in taking it easy on anyone.
But if Araxis had been busy before, the week that followed was brutal.Every minute of the day was brimming with things that needed to be done, and I'd crammed my own schedule full too.Sometimes, it felt like we barely saw each other unless we were sitting in a meeting together, and often we were headed in different directions.I travelled to so many corners of Sozamia, often with Inmadra or Elethenn in tow, that I was convinced I knew it better than I'd ever known Yellow Fin.By the end of each day, I was exhausted, weary in a bone-deep way that felt familiar, even if it was also strange.I hadn't realized that using my brain could also leave me wiped out, as if thinking took something out of my body.
I hadn't had to do much thinking in the den, not after I was fluent in Standard anyway.
Even though I was inevitably tired by the time the fake sky outside cycled to stars and moons, I still slipped out late at night to go for runs, happily wearing the headphones Araxis had given me and listening to songs I thought would make me run faster, trying to grind myself to an even deeper level of exhaustion because –
Well.
I'd eventually relented to my own need to know, and decided to just start asking Inmadra the questions I needed answers to, because who else could I talk to?If I asked Araxis, he'd feel guilty and that was the last thing I wanted.Which is why it was good to have a languageandculture tutor who had a little more emotional distance from – things.
"So, in terms of aproperabayan courtship," I'd asked a couple of days after Vivith had left as we sat in an inter-ward shuttle that was queued up for the Central Ward docks, "what's the timeline?"
"It varies based on how traditional a creche is," Inmadra had said, deep into the documents we'd been sent by Ai'lun Industries, who were apparently keen on expanding their initial agreement with Araxis."In more conservative creches, a formal courtship can take several years.Although that is not typical now.Perhaps closer to a single year."
I'd tried not to react to that.Ayear."And during a courtship, would there be any –" How did I put this in a way that would be sensitive to abayan… sensitivities?
She glanced up, mouth a thin line."Sexual intimacy?"she offered."Sashen, do recall: I consulted with ketaar polities for years.If anything, you seem less inclined to speak about these matters than my ketaari contacts did.It varies: sometimes sexual contact is part of a courtship, but that is often considered in bad taste.A bit...tawdry."
"So why –" I caught myself in time.I couldn't just ask why Araxis and Vivith thought it was important for us to fuck on broadcast; Inmadra didn't know any of that, and it had to stay that way.I pivoted."Does that mean that abayan viewers thought that, when Araxis and I had sex at the Tournament, he wasn't behaving properly?Or honourably?"
I had to stop anticipating that I might fluster Inmadra, because she didn't even bat an eye.She was unflappable."The conventions for virra are different.Sexual intimacy is one way that a sinnenthi might persuade a virra to declare, and a declaration was widely regarded as the best means to keep you safe.Araxis conducted himself in a way that is considered honourable for that reason; the abayan broadcasters werelesshonourable in the amount of audio footage they chose to share, when by rights, it should have been private."Her mouth had thinned then, irritated on my behalf, which was kind of nice.
"Virra are unique in abayan culture," Inmadra continued."You know this, Sashen.And so a sinnenthi who courts a virra is held to different standards.Thecaldathesscan be a mark that indicates a virra is being courted, rather than a sign of an inelegant courtship.Indeed, I recall some particularly sought-after virra in Adralne who would sometimes show up at events with a series of marks on them, to show they were being courted by many at once.This is expected conduct."
I had a lot of thoughts about all of that – virra got to bang their way through abayan court, but no one else could?– but I'd kept them to myself because I had more pressing concerns.I'd expected, since we'd scrapped the contract and since we'd been making out and also it had beenmany weekssince we'd last been together on Creche Athal's ship, that Araxis and I would start having sex again, but we hadn't.We weren't.And I didn't know what to do with myself.
I had reached for Araxis that first night, and he'd kissed me, leveraging himself up so that he was on top of me, his mouth hungry, his teeth sharp as he plundered my mouth, but before things couldgoanywhere – although my dick definitely wanted to gosomewhere– he'd rolled back over and said that we would be wise to get a good night's sleep."And –" he reiterated, voice hoarse, skin flushed, "Idomean to court you properly."
