I looked at him, finally.I turned my cup in a half-circle, and I was careful not to blink too much, in case the sear of heat in my eyes turned to tears."It's just hard to believe sometimes," I said, throat raw, like holding in too many of these feelings had scraped the skin back.
His black eyes were glossy in our bright room, his stare soft."I feel the same," he said.Then, "I wish to apologize to you, if you are willing to hear it."
I nodded.
Araxis fluted out a breath, releasing my elbow and instead pressing his hand to his sternum.I watched him as he breathed, his hand sliding back and forth, and I realized that the gesture was familiar, although I'd never seen him make it before.
He was self-soothing, trying to dampen the subvocalizations humming in his body.His eyelashes fluttered as he stared out toward the windows and the ward beyond.
"You don't have to," I said, concern tightening my chest at his obvious distress."It's fine.If it's too much –"
"It is not too much," said Araxis, breathy."Only – I have practiced these words so many times that I fear they have lost some of their vulnerability.I fear they have become a monologue.Give me a moment.I must – I must apologize properly.It isatonement."The last word was in abayan, said with significance as he sat there, pale, his hand on his chest as he breathed deeply, trying to settle himself.
Not just absolution, but atonement.
Like what Vivith had been sent away to do.I knew that Vivith had been angry that I wouldn't listen to Araxis's apology, but I'd assumed that was because they wanted me to settle into the role of being a good virra and to stop disrupting Araxis's life.I'd realized Araxis needed to apologize because he was still carrying the weight of what he'd done like a stone around his neck, and I wanted him to be able to hold himself upright.
I hadn't realized that, by denying him his apology, I'd kept him from some essential cultural practice.That I had denied him some sort of sacrament and left him, instead, stewing in misery and suffering, all without realizing.
But I had realized, hadn't I?I'd wondered if an apology was necessary for his absolution.I knew how important it was to Araxis to apologize, not just in this scenario but in others as well; I'd realized that way back on the creche ship, when we'd sat together in the dark of night and had tea when everyone else was asleep.And he asked meeveryday that I had off.Of course it was essential, and even though we'd rendered our contract null and void, I hadn't thought to give him the space to apologize.I'd brushed it off, as if it didn't matter.
"Oh."The syllable drifted from me, unintended.
At once, Araxis looked to me."You are already finding a way to feel badly about this," he said, and there was an edge of affectionate irritation to his words."It is my turn to feel badly about everything, Sashen.Do not take this from me."
"We're taking turns now?I thought that was something both of us did all of the time, without doing anything as sensible as making a schedule," I said distantly, and Araxis smiled, shaking his head, and his hand dropped away from his chest.
Araxis reached and gathered the bowls on the tray, which he pushed to the far edge of the table.He then moved his cushion closer to mine, settling into a seated position as he faced me.His legs were folded beneath him, his hands resting on his thighs."Would you face me?"he asked.
I shifted so that we were angled toward each other."Last time, we were sitting against a wall and in the dark," I said lightly."I hope you aren't setting a new precedent.I don't know if I'll ever be able to apologize by daylight.Then again, I never do anything wrong, so…"
His lips twitched, the ghost of a smile."Ah, your humour returns.I wonder why."I flushed because, as usual, he saw through all of my bullshit, even whenIdidn't, and then he reached out and placed his hands on my knees, two warm anchor points."This is the way it is meant to be done, according to our traditions.If you do not wish to hear what I have to say at any point, you simply break contact.You must consent to listen to an apology; consent is continual.You are not obligated to accept an apology.Being willing to listen is, in itself, generous.Traditionally, you would listen until I finished speaking, at which point I would remove my hands and you would determine what to do or say next.But you are welcome to speak at any time, beloved.We are not bound by tradition.Iwouldask that if you do not wish to hear what I have to say, that you move away and I will know.I would not wish to hurt you more through the act of making my apology."
I looked down at his pale hands where they rested on my knees."And what if the person listening to the apology is particularly prone to fidgeting, like me?"
"I think we will be fine."Araxis squared his shoulders, blinking several times before he tipped his head forward so that he was looking down at the floor between us rather than looking at me.He was close enough that our knees were nearly touching, and the space between us was palpable, weighted."Sashen of Creche Thiel," he began."Sashen Solar.I am going to speak – from the heart, you would say.Apologies for my inelegance.It does not reflect how seriously I take this task, but rather my desire to speak to you in earnestness and to express the fullness with which I have sought to understand the depths of your pain and my fundamental role in it."
My mouth went dry as I stared at his body, curled toward mine, his palms heavy on my knees, strangely warm through the material of my soft pants.I bit back the words I could have said, and promised myself I would just listen.I could do that.
"You have correctly surmised that the root of my failure is in thinking as sinnenthi and not entinn.I thought only of my creche; I did not think of the cost my actions would have on you.While I planned to court you, while Ihopedto win you, I also denied you personhood and agency.I did what has been done to you, over and over again: I used you.What is worse, what is more shameful, is that I encouraged your affection for me, knowing that I was adding yet another scar to those you have collected.I could see that you were courageous enough to open yourself to me, and I accepted what you offered, while understanding that I was a blade and I would cut you deeply and terribly."
I swallowed, throat thick.It was suddenly difficult to breathe.Of course he'd seen all of my scars; of course he had.He'd always been so observant.I'd just –
"This is hard."It came out of me, unsteady and thin.
At once, Araxis looked up, his features tightening in concern.His eyes were wet, gleaming; I knew mine were too."Is this too much?"he asked, low.
It was.And it wasn't.Heneededthis.Maybe there was part of me that needed it too.
"It's alright," I rasped, swiping the back of my hand up my face."You can – keep going."
"If it is too much, please move," Araxis said, insistent."I will not press."
"I know.But you can keep going."
He nodded and tipped his head forward again.His hands were heavy on my skin, like braces pinning me in place, or else shoring me up.I couldn't tell.He took a moment to inhale deeply, his breath hitching midway through the expansion of his chest.Another breath, smoother, and then he continued."I betrayed you before I knew you.And again once we'd met, and again once I began to catch glimpses of the brightness of your soul.As I came to know you, to understand how you had been hurt before, as I listened to what you valued most, I could see that, with each step that I took, I was pushing the blade more deeply into the core of who you are.By the end, I cannot say that I did not know – I did – and I cannot say that I did not care – Idid– and yet I continued to forge onward.My…callousnessis outdone only, perhaps, by my cowardice: at any moment, I might have stopped so that I did not cut you quite so deeply, quite so cruelly, but I didnotstop.I was selfish, arrogant, and cravenly."
I'd given up trying to blink back the tears that were leaking, hot, down my cheeks as I stared at the line of his crest, tightly pleated across the crown of his head, as I watched the shape of his shoulders in this perfect position – a low, extended bow.A penitent, a supplicant.
