The crying had long dried up, and they’d rearranged themselves more comfortably on the floor. They were still snuggled tightly together, Jude in the middle with Rusty and Dex on either side. Phones had trilled and been subsequently ignored, but Dex knew they had to get back soon.
“What am I gonna do?” the human repeated.
“Whatever you want,” Rusty said succinctly.
Jude shook his head. “I can’t do it. I can’t… I just can’t, Rus.”
Rusty took Jude’s hand and twined their fingers. “Okay.”
“My mom’s a nurse,” Dex said, cheek resting on Jude’s head. “She can, you know, help. If you want. Like, she knows the doctors. She could get you in quickly.”
“Toni’s well-connected too,” Rusty said, and every muscle in Jude’s body locked.
“Oh god, Toni. This will destroy him.” Sitting forward, Jude brought his knees up and propped his elbows on them, hands gripping the sides ofhis head. “I can’t do this to him. He’ll… Rusty, you know him. He’s always wanted—he’ll be so happy, and then I’ll have to—I can’t do that to him.”
Hand on Jude’s back, Rusty said, “But you can’t do this to yourself.”
Fingernails digging into the back of his own neck, Jude closed his eyes and shook his head. “I could do it. For Toni, I could do it. It’s just, what? Nine months. I could… I could. And he’d be good. He’d be such a good dad. He wants this, and I can’t take it away from him. Not when he would want it so badly.”
“I don’t think a baby would want to be born to a parent who called them anit,” Dex said, so very carefully.
Jude’s jaw clenched. “I could do it, though. For Toni. I could give this to him.”
“Do you really think he’d want you to?” Rusty asked, and Jude exhaled, long and slow, head falling back.
“It’ll crush him.”
“Do you want this, Jude?” Rusty asked.
“I could do it,” Jude said.
“That’s not what I asked,” Rusty said.
Fresh tears streaked silently down his cheeks as Jude glared at the ceiling. Then he shook his head.
“Toni will understand,” Rusty said.
“What if—” Jude’s voice choked off, and he had to swallow several times before he tried again. “What if he doesn’t?”
Apparently, the Pyclon didn’t have an answer to that. He simply rested his cheek on Jude’s shoulder and rubbed his back.
“I could take care of it myself. Dex’s mom, she could—and I could just get it done, and he wouldn’t have to know.” Jude chewed hisbottom lip until blood welled and stained his teeth. “It would be like it never happened.”
“But it did,” Dex said, and Jude turned his tearful glare on him.
“I can’t hurt him, okay? I’ve done that enough.”
“You have to tell him,” Rusty said firmly. “Jude, you can’t keep this from him. Not something like this.”
Jude shook his head. “I can’t break his heart.”
“You’ll break his heart more if you don’t,” Rusty said, not unkindly, “and there wouldn’t be any coming back.”
“I can’t lose him,” Jude insisted.
“Then you have to tell him the truth. If you don’t, you’ll lose him for sure.”
Hugging himself, Jude rested his forehead on his knees and shuddered. Dex wrapped his fingers around the back of his neck as Rusty rubbed his spine. Searching for the right words—or any words, really—Dex circled his thumb under Jude’s ear.
