“They did,” I agree.
My frame is pressed against hers, and I know what it means that Steffi’s nurses don’t move me from my position. Cal and Joan are both bent over the bed, their love a blanket, flowing smoothly over her, around her.
Steffi is so devastatingly weak now. “Love you...moon and back.”
She sleeps, half waking too many times. But mostly she is unaware over the next hours that pass, and it’s all that I could ask for. I’d hate for her to be cognizant.Shewould hate to be cognizant. So, Cal, Joan, and I just stay with her. That’s all we can do.
When she can’t, I adjust her oxygen mask.
When she can’t, I hit her morphine drip as much as is allowed.
When she can’t, I talk and tell her she doesn’t have to. I tell her that I know and feel it all. And that she should, too. That it’s okay not to talk anymore. That she is my forever friend. That she is Cal and Joan’s forever daughter.
For a time, she just sleeps and breathes. And then, finally, she sleeps and doesn’t wake again.
I’m glad that she misses the end. That she’s not awake for the moments before her death.
And when the monitor sounds, when her breathing stops, Joan and Cal and I are all holding her.
She does not leave this world alone.
She leaves this world whole.
CHAPTER 30
THE WORLD HAS CHANGED
It’s just after eight in the evening when I wake in a hotel room, disoriented and numb. I’ve been in a hard, dreamless sleep, and it takes me a few minutes to remember where I am and what has happened.
I should be crying, feeling something. But I am utterly emptied. It’s some warped form of bliss to find myself in this state. It must be misguided and delusional, I know, but it’s a blessing.
Esben is in a small armchair, looking weary as he scrolls through his phone. He glances up when I throw back the sheets and sit up in bed. “Hey. How are you doing?” He comes to sit beside me. “Dumb question, sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” I rub my eyes. “I’m going to take a shower. Are you hungry? I’m starving. We should eat.”
“Sure.” He tries to touch my leg, but I move away. “Whatever you want.”
“We’re supposed to go to In-N-Out Burger. I promised her,” I say diligently.
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
I plod to the bathroom and shut the door. I strip down and look at the pile of clothing I’ve left on the floor, resolving to burn it when I get home. My clothes and my body smell like death, and I didn’t bring anything else to wear. It’s only crazy determination that makes me stand up straight and look in the mirror. I want some idea of what I look like, a baseline from which I must rise. My reflection is shocking. I don’t look like me, and not just because of my puffy eyes and matted hair. I just don’t look like me. Maybe I won’t ever again. Not after last night.
The tile in the shower stall seems off, the water that sprays over me feels too sharp, and the smell of the shampoo and soap makes me want to gag. Everything is wrong. Everything, I know, will always be wrong.
This fact is not alarming to me, though. It’s just a fact. Cut and dry. So, when I finish my shower and dress in my tainted clothing, I do so calmly.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Esben smiles weakly at me. “You ready? There are about six locations within spitting distance from the hotel.”
“I don’t care. Any one is fine.” My hair is barely towel dried, and water leaks down my back.
“Okay. We can go outside and see what direction we feel like going in.” He waves his phone at me. “The guy who gave us this hotel room wrote to make sure everything is good. Said we should order room service or whatever we want. If you’re hungry for breakfast in the morning—”
“Esben,” I say flatly. “It was very nice of him. Please thank him for me. But...” I take an exhausted breath. I barely have the energy to walk from this room, and I certainly don’t have the energy to engage in conversation. “I don’t want to talk. I’m sorry. Let’s just get this burger thing over with.”
He nods. “That’s all right. I understand.”
The pattern on the hall carpet seems to shout at me, and I look straight ahead as we walk. There are mirrors in the elevator, and I again think how totally unfamiliar I look. Esben also appears a virtual stranger. I know this is wrong, but there is no emotional impact from these revelations, just belief in the truth I’ve uncovered.
