He got up from the ground and held out a hand to help me up.My legs felt unstable.I knew I could beg him to stay.But he wouldn’t.
“I have to go now,” he said, offering me a quiet smile, his gaze tracing my face, as if he was trying to etch it into memory.“You take care of yourself, Miles.”
He gave me one last hug, patting my back.And when he let go of my shoulders, he turned around.
“Wait!”
He stopped and looked back at me.
“Do you have any idea what it was?What changed?”I had to ask him.
He stood frozen.His lips unmoving for a few seconds.His brain was trying to get there too.To the reason.
“Maybe…” He stopped.Nothing else came out.The words had left him.Disappeared.“Never mind,” he finally added.“Your mother doesn’t want me in your life anymore.And I need to respect it.I have to go, Miles.”
He stayed in place, smiled at me weakly, once again, and raised an arm to wave goodbye before getting in his car and driving away.
“Mom?”I entered the living room, steady but calm, and gave her a chance to explain it to me.“Why was Ben outside, Mom?”
She looked at me from the couch.Her eyes perplexed.Disoriented.“It’s adult stuff, Miles.You’re not to ask such things about our private conversations.”
She sounded so serious, but her words did not make sense to me.
“What do you mean?What things?”I didn’t need her to explain everything.I just needed her to explainsomething.
Why had Ben just told me the opposite of what she had been telling me?
“It’s not of your concern,” my mom said.
She was being cold to me, like my emotions about all of it didn’t matter.
“Mom, he told me,” I said.She stood, very serious.“You’ve been so sad these last few months… Why did you lie about him throwing us out of his house?”
“You talked to him?”She insinuated as if it were a betrayal.
“Yes, I talked to him.I’ve been so angry at him all this time for making you suffer, for leaving us just like that.I never wanted to see him again!But now I’m not so sure what really happened back in Wayneth.”
“It’s between me and him!”She snapped.
“Why are you being like this?And why did you lie to me?You told me he wanted nothing to do with us anymore!We just left!And he didn’t want us to!You know he didn’t want us to leave!”
She inhaled deeply.“But we did, Miles.”She exhaled.“And it is what it is.”
“Explain it to me!”I begged her.
“Why can’t you just accept it?!”
“Because I missed him!”I blurted out.“And I’m mad that you broke things the way they were.”He had driven away, he left us, he left me.And I realized I missed the closest thing to a father figure I ever remember having.“And I don’t understand why you didn’t even tell me the true story.”
“You’re being childish.”
I stood there, looking at her.But she didn’t meet my eyes.“You’re being cruel,” I said.
My mom had no more words.
She got up and exited the fight, like she had always done.One moment we were firing our disagreements at each other, the next moment, she was getting up and giving up.It had always been like that.Turns out, my stepfather wanted to stay, I wanted to stay, but she didn’t allow us to.She never stayed.
And suddenly, I didn’t want any more of that instability.
