God, I was such a dick. Karla was good, and I was treating her as if she wasn’t. I knew I was, too. I just wasn’t prepared to feel so intensely around her. And for some reason, adult Karla made me feel things even deeper than before. It made no sense,and the feelings alone terrified me. It even scared me how much I cared about her. Each second that passed, I cared more.
I had four great guy friends who meant the world to me. I’d die for all of them without even a hesitation. I knew they’d do the same. But it was different than that with Karla. For my buddies, I’d die, but for Karla I’d want to... live.
I knew that felt like an upside-down kind of thought, but truthfully, I stopped living the moment my father passed away. I’d been drowning, and the last thing I wanted to do was put my sadness on Karla’s shoulders. She’d already had enough of her own troubles. She didn’t need to carry mine, too.
At least that was part of the truth of why I ghosted her all those years before. The other part was the fact that I needed to push Karla away. I was afraid of losing her, too, because I’d already lost my brother and my father. My mother was hardly living after both of those losses. She was a walking zombie. Therefore, it felt like I lost everyone I loved.
What if something happened to Karla? What if she got hurt? Or even worse, died? I didn’t think I could handle that. So I said goodbye before life could take her away from me. Before I could fall deeper for her. Before we’d even had a chance to figure out what we could’ve been to one another.
But now, she was back in my life, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to push her completely away again. I felt like I needed her. It had been a long time since I felt as if I needed someone.
I knew Karla was a good person to have in my life, if not the greatest. I knew for a fact that she’d perform CPR on me and bring me back to life. That fact alone scared me the most. I wasn’t certain I was ready to live again. Living meant pain, and I didn’t need any more pain. I had enough of that for a lifetime.
43Karla
After one too many failed attempts at getting in touch with Ash, I went straight to the one place I knew he’d be come Sunday. The sun was barely rising, but it looked as if Ash had been settled in front of the two tombstones of his brother and father for quite some time. “I get the feeling you’re avoiding me,” I said to Ash as I walked up to the tombstones.
He looked over his shoulder toward me and gave a half-grin. “Morning, sunshine.”
“Morning,” I gestured beside him. “May I?”
“Please.”
I sat beside him, staring at his brother’s tombstone. We didn’t say anything for a while as our arms rested on top of our bent knees. I lowered my head and fiddled with my hands. “How old are they today?”
Ash took a breath, closing his eyes. He opened them again, staring straight ahead. “Rian’s twenty-four. Dad’s sixty-four.” Then he nudged me in the arm gently. “Stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Worrying about me. I’m fine, Karla.”
“Oh?”
He arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘oh’?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I just didn’t know you were such a bad liar.”
“I’m not lying,” he said gruffly. “I amfine.”
“That was almost convincing.”
“Karla—”
“Do you want to be friends?” I blurted out, cutting him off.
His brows lowered as a grimace hit his mouth. Mr.Banks was in a bad mood that Sunday morning. “Don’t ask me that, Karla.”
“Why not?”
“Because you already know the answer,” he grumpily replied. “Of course I want to be your friend.”
“Good.” I nodded. “So we can be friends.”
“No,” he corrected. “We can’t.”
That broke my heart a little. “We can’t?”
He shook his head. “I can’t be your friend.”
