First, I went into my little bedroom and put on a good bra and socks, and I also pulled my hair back into a ponytail. Then I filled a water bottle in the kitchen, because it seemed like a good idea. “I do some outdoors things now,” I noted as I tied my shoes and he dropped our stuff into a little pack. “I went running yesterday. It was more of a fast walk, to be honest.”
“I wasn’t trying to criticize,” he said, which I already knew. He didn’t do things like that. “I meant that now that it’s warmer weather, we can do more outside.”
The days were a lot longer, too. Northern summer sunlight lasted forever, which was good. But he needed to wear his sunglasses and a hat, which I checked to make sure he had in that pack.
“Are you sure you don’t want to eat first?” I suggested as we walked out into that sunlight.
“Probably afterwards. I don’t really want to be stuck in a seat anymore.”
But we did get into my car and headed to the spot that he had picked and researched, because his phone was cued up with directions. It was beautiful, through woods that got deeper and little darker as we continued to drive to the trailhead. I glanced over but he didn’t seem disturbed. I would just have to watch him carefully in case he was having a hard time.
It turned out that I was the one being watched, though. “I can walk just fine,” I said as I caught myself on a tree to prevent a fall into a nearby bush. “This ground is shakier.”
“It’s absolutely less stable than pavement. You’ve really never walked on rocks and dirt before—watch that.” Shane grabbed a branch so that it didn’t snap back into my face.
“I was busy,” I said irritably.
“Would you rather be working at Walter’s right now, or hiking through the woods?”
“That depends on the company. If I was hiking with my dad, then it would be a fully miserable experience because he hates doing new things. Oh, ow. No, I’m ok,” I told him. My ankle had twisted but it hadn’t hurt too much. “I like being out here with you, even if I am just about to fall. And I would rather be just about anywhere than working in a restaurant. With anyone, including you—no offense.”
“What if it was a restaurant that also served salmon?” Shane suggested, and laughed when I pretended to retch. “I wouldn’t mind a nice piece of that right now.”
“So, it seems like you’re not upset anymore,” I commented. “It looks like you bounced back from…from the news you got.” I didn’t say “terrible news” or anything about a disaster or depression.
“What am I going to do?” he asked me. “Sit at home and cry?”
That would probably have been my first move. “I guess not,” I said. “But are you sad? Worried?”
We kept walking, me stepping carefully because of nature and him moving freely because apparently, his low vision wasn’t bothering him like the uneven terrain bothered me. “What am I going to do?” he asked again. “I can’t just give into it.”
“It’s not giving in—” I stopped, though, to think about that. Maybe if he accepted what was happening, it would completely engulf him. He had to keep going as if it wasn’t affecting him at all because otherwise, it would be like the tide dragging him out to drown him. It was probably better to feel like he was fighting, like it was possible to fight, rather than letting it carry him along.I had felt better when I was coming up with my plan to bag a Woodsmen player, even if it had been far-fetched and…well, it hadn’t been very nice. I had been planning to use one of them for money and stability. I hadn’t wanted a real relationship, one with commitment and all that stuff. I hadn’t been looking for someone to love me—that was never a goal. Financial security was number one and now I was in the position to achieve it for myself, since I didn’t have the heavy foot of the restaurant standing on my neck anymore.
Therefore, I didn’t need anyone.
Shane was talking about the Woodsmen summer training, which would start soon. That had been our crazy busy season at the restaurant and in years past, I had tried to get everyone ready for it. I had argued with my dad about prep time and ignored him as he yelled and insulted me. I had fought with my mom about placing supply orders that she thought were too expensive but yes, we actually needed food…
“What do you think?”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention just now,” I admitted.
“I know. We’re not even walking.”
I realized that yes, we had stopped. “I’ve been worried about a lot of stuff but I’ll put that all out of my mind,” I told him.
“Were you worried about me?”
“Yes. Very,” I answered, and Shane sighed.
“Good golly. I knew I shouldn’t have told you what the doctor said.”
“No! I mean, yes! Yes, you absolutely should have. I want to know all of this and I would be very, very mad later if I found out that you had been hiding things. Of course, it’s your personal, medical information, and you don’t have to tell me. But also, I would be furious.”
He laughed. “So I better spill the beans.”
“Yes, absolutely, and then I’m going to take my cues about how to handle that information from you. If you’re not worried? I won’t be, either,” I told him. And damn it, I would try to make that a true statement.
“I’m not worried,” he promised. He sure had been the day before, though, upset enough that it made me feel almost sick because I got so upset, too. That was something he addressed in what he said next. “You’re not responsible for my problems, Molly.”
