“Oh shit.” Evan looked alarmed. “I forgot I have a philosophy test this afternoon.”
CJ blinked. “You forgot.”
“I forgot,” Evan repeated, already half laughing at himself. He reached across the table without looking and grabbed the wrong cup, grimacing after he took a sip. “That’s yours.” He slid the cup across the table. “Why do you drink it this bitter? Are you punishing yourself?”
“It builds character,” CJ muttered.
“It builds ulcers,” Evan countered.
Around them, the dining hall churned with the noise of scraping chairs and bursts of laughter. CJ’s shoulders went rigidevery time someone walked past, and he flinched when Evan laughed again. Evan’s smile faltered.
“Hey,” he said quietly. “You good?”
“Yeah.” CJ exhaled slowly. “I’m fine.”
When they walked toward their classes, CJ kept a careful distance between them. At the corner where they usually split, Evan stopped to look at him, and CJ stared off at the path he needed to take.
“You didn’t text me last night.”
CJ’s mouth went dry. “I fell asleep.”
Evan stared at him. “Did you?”
CJ forced himself to meet Evan’s eyes. “Yeah.” The lie came too easily after years of practice, and CJ hated how good he’d become at something he’d never wanted to learn.
Evan’s mouth tightened. “Okay.”
CJ turned and walked away before Evan could say anything else, before Evan’s eyes could ask a question CJ didn’t know how to answer.
By day three,CJ stopped pretending he didn’t know what he was going to do. They hadn’t had practice the day before, so he’d managed to avoid Evan entirely by skipping breakfast and altering his usual paths. But he couldn’t avoid him forever. The baseball season wasn’t over. They still had practices and games, and they had to share a dugout. And they had to perform. Draft boards didn’t pause because your personal life imploded.
He was going to have to figure out what he was going to say, and he was going to have to look Evan in the eye. Sooner or later. Somehow, he hadn’t expected Evan to show up at his door, and his stomach dropped before he even met Evan’s eyes.
“You’re ignoring me.” Evan brushed past CJ into his room, and when he spoke again, his voice was steady, but his eyes weren’t. “Tell me the truth.”
CJ’s pulse throbbed in his neck. “About what?”
“Seriously?” Evan stared at him incredulously. “About why you’re avoiding me.”
“We got caught. What am I supposed to be doing?” CJ swallowed hard. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop seeing Matt at the edge of the field, and I can’t stop thinking about all the ways this could fuck everything up.”
“So, you’re just letting fear run your life?” Evan’s voice was tight as he stared at him, eyes flashing.
CJ swallowed hard. “You ever walk into a room and know you’re being watched and not know why?”
Evan’s voice was careful. “Yeah.”
“Now imagine youdoknow why. And you can’t do anything about it because the moment you react, the second you flinch, you confirm it.” CJ shoved his hands into his pockets. “So yeah. Matt saw us. And maybe he won’t say anything. Maybe he’ll keep it to himself. But it doesn’t matter because now I know it can happen. Now I know we’re not invisible.”
Evan stared at him for a long moment. “Okay,” he said finally. “Let’s say you’re right. You get drafted and you make the majors. Then what?”
“I play baseball.”
“For ten years? Fifteen?”
CJ shrugged. “As long as I can.”
“And during all that time, what’s the plan?” Evan asked. “You’re just going to, what? Stay celibate so no one knows you’re gay?” There was silence, and Evan’s jaw dropped when CJ looked away. “Oh my God. I’m right, aren’t I? That’s actually your plan.”
