“It wouldn’t be forever.”
Evan shook his head in disbelief. “Forever meaning what? Until you retire?” CJ didn’t answer. “Twenty years? Thirty?”
“I don’t know,” CJ said quietly.
“Okay, and then what?” Evan spread his hands. “You magically start living?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“No, you won’t.” There wasn’t any anger left in his voice. “You’ll keep moving the goalposts. First, it’s getting drafted, then making the roster, then the next contract.” Evan shook his head. “Or what? You get a girlfriend?”
“If I have to.” CJ crossed his arms and glared at him, but Evan just looked sad now.
“Oh man,” Evan sounded sadder than he looked. “You really mean that.”
CJ’s throat tightened. “It would be easier.”
“For who?”
CJ couldn’t answer, and Evan laughed softly, but there was no humor in it.
“It’s a copout. That’s what this is.” Evan’s voice cracked. “You’d rather spend the next however many years pretending to be someone you aren’t than risk somebody knowing who you really are.”
CJ let out a short, humorless laugh. “And what’s your plan? You get drafted and just what? Show up holding a boyfriend’s hand?”
Evan’s jaw tightened.
CJ pressed on before he could stop himself. “You’re acting like there’s some third option here. Like we can just be ourselves and everybody’s going to clap and tell us how brave we are.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Then what are you saying?” CJ shot back. “You think you’re going to be out? Publicly?”
Evan opened his mouth, but CJ shook his head and barreled on
“No, come on. Be serious.” The words came out sharper than he intended, and he threw Evan’s questions back at him. “You get drafted, you make the majors, and suddenly you’re what? The first openly gay player in the league? That’s your brilliant plan?”
The hurt that crossed Evan’s face was immediate.
“I don’t know,” Evan said quietly.
“Exactly.”
When Evan spoke again, CJ had to strain to hear him. “I wasn’t asking for a plan. I wasn’t asking you to come out or make a statement. I wasn’t asking you to be some kind of pioneer.”
The sadness in Evan’s voice was worse than yelling, and CJ’s chest tightened.
“I was asking you to let yourself have something.” Evan shook his head slowly. “And the worst part is that you don’t even know how impossible you make it sound. You really think those are the only options: hide forever or lose everything.”
There was nothing CJ could say to that because, as far as he could tell, thosewerethe options.
The silence stretched between them until Evan finally spoke again.
“So that’s it then.” Evan’s voice was low. “You’re breaking up with me.” It wasn’t a question.
CJ swallowed hard and his chest hurt like he’d taken a fastball straight to the sternum. “Yes.”
Evan stared at him for a long beat, then he nodded once, sharp. “Okay.”
