“You walked away,” Evan continued as if CJ hadn’t spoken, his eyes hard and unflinching. “You don’t get to act surprised that I remember here too.”
The room felt smaller all of a sudden, and the noise and light from outside faded. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” The words felt like glass as they scraped their way out of his mouth.
“That doesn’t actually help.” Evan’s mouth twisted, and he stepped just close enough for CJ to feel the coldness coming off him. When he spoke again, it was so quiet that CJ had to strain to hear him. “You don’t get to go back in time. You don’t get to touch me like you didn’t already leave me.”
CJ swallowed hard. “I was scared.”
“Yeah, so was I.” Evan let out a humorless laugh. “I still stayed. I would have always stayed.”
He stepped back, shaking his head like he was disgusted with himself for letting any of this happen.
“Wake up,” he said sharply.
CJ frowned. “What?”
“This is the part where you wake up,” Evan said. The room flickered, just for a second, the light bending wrong and the edges softening, as if the room were losing shape.
“This way you never have to sit with what you did.”
“Evan,” CJ could hear himself pleading.
“Wake up.” Sharper this time. The walls around them tilted and the light fractured. There was a surge of noise and then?—
CJ jerkedawake with a sharp gasp, his heart slamming violently against his ribs. For a disorienting second, he was convinced Evan was still there, and if he turned his head, he’d find warmth and weight beside him. His legs were tangled in the sheets and his body was braced for contact that wasn’t coming. His skin was damp with sweat, and he was hard and aching in a way that made his chest tighten with a mix of want and frustration. His body was slow to accept that the moment was over. That it had never actually been happening at all.
“Fuck,” he muttered and dragged a hand down his face.
His palm drifted lower, tracing the line of his stomach as if he could catch the ghost of Evan’s touch before it disappeared completely. CJ let out a quiet groan and pulled his hand away, curling his fingers back into the sheets instead. Whatever that had been, whatever his body was still clinging to, it didn’t belong in the present. That was another time, lived out in cheap hotel rooms that blurred into one another. Back when secrecy didn’t feel dangerous and the future hadn’t forced itself into the conversation. Before either of them had learned the hard way that wanting each other had never meant they could keep each other.
CJ kicked at the sheets until his legs were free and swung them over the edge of the bed. The wood floor was cool beneath his feet, and it was almost enough to ground him in the present. He sat there for a moment, forcing himself to breathe and to remind himself that he was in his apartment in San Diego, and Evan wasn’t anywhere within reach.
He checked the time on his phone and exhaled slowly. He could tell from the blue-gray light coming through his windowsthat it was still early evening, which meant there were too many hours left to sit alone with his thoughts. The nap had never been part of the plan, but after the game, he’d run into Rizzo outside his building, and he’d sat with him in the sun, half- listening to one of Rizzo’s endless stories. By the time they’d gone their separate ways, the energy that had carried him through nine innings had disappeared. He’d gone up to his apartment, kicked off his shoes, and stretched out on his bed for what he thought would be a few minutes.
Rizzo
Couple of us are grabbing food and drinks if you’re not already asleep like a grandpa.
Rizzo
It’s still early. You better say yes.
CJ stared at the screen. Going out would be an easy way to get out of his own head, and he could already picture the scene: Rizzo planted somewhere loud, halfway through a story that kept getting bigger every time he told it, with a few of their teammates orbiting around him. Rizzo had a way of collecting people, especially the new guys and the ones still trying to figure out where they fit. CJ wouldn’t be surprised if half the rookies who’d made the roster out of camp were already there.
There was a strange, restless energy running through the team right now. The season wasn’t even a month old, and everyone was immersed in that early stretch where adrenaline was more common than fatigue. The long grind hadn’t caught up to them yet, but CJ could feel the anticipation of it just beneath his skin. He’d seen guys get impulsive during these early weeks, and it rarely ended well. Maybe a night out would burn some of that off. Normally, CJ would have talked himself out of it. He would have typed back an excuse and then turned off his phoneso he didn’t have to face Rizzo’s disappointment. He would tell himself that staying home to ice the ankle he’d rolled earlier in the week and getting ahead on sleep was the responsible choice.
But, if he were honest, he was tired of sitting alone with his thoughts. Before he could give himself time to reconsider, he started typing.
CJ
Where?
Rizzo
Thank God
5th Ave in the Gaslamp Quarter. I think it’s called the Drunk Seagull or something. There’s a couple of guys already here. You walking or ubering?
CJ stared at the message, thumb hovering over the screen. Fifth Ave in the Gaslamp Quarter. He had no idea where that was. Rizzo must have remembered that because he texted the address a beat later. CJ opened it in his phone’s map, and the route lit up in blue, stretching farther than he’d expected. Too far to walk, especially with his ankle still tight, and he wasn’t going to drive if he would be drinking.
