CJ smiled back, and for a moment, they just grinned stupidly at each other. Then Evan’s smile faded slightly and he took a sip of coffee before he spoke again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” CJ responded cautiously.
“If we’re doing this,” Evan said carefully. “What does it look like?”
CJ frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…” Evan gestured vaguely between them. “We’re teammates. For most of the year, we spend almost all of our time around each other. We’ve got reporters and cameras following us around at the ballpark and during practices. And there’s a clubhouse full of people who notice when somebody switches brands of sunflower seeds.”
CJ rubbed the back of his neck. “Are we talking about keeping this quiet?”
Evan stared into his coffee without answering. A few years ago, the answer would have been easy. In college, he’d wanted more, wanted everyone to know how much he loved CJ. Not because he’d been reckless—he’d never been reckless—butbecause he’d been twenty-one and stupid enough to believe that if he loved someone loudly enough, the world would have no choice but to make space for them.
Professional baseball had cured him of that particular fantasy.
When he looked up, CJ was watching him carefully, waiting for his response. Evan exhaled and shrugged. “Yeah,” he said finally.
“Really?” CJ seemed surprised. “I thought this would be more of an argument.”
“So did I.” Evan smiled wryly as CJ gave a small laugh, then he rubbed a hand over his jaw. “Things are different now.”
“Different how?”
Evan didn’t know how to answer that. There were a hundred reasons he could give: the casual comments from teammates who weren’t trying to be cruel, the stories that circulated through the league each season, the way people sometimes thought they were entitled to know everything about the players.
“We’ve been in the league long enough to know,” he said finally. “Baseball likes things a certain way.”
“Yeah.” CJ looked at him, a frown creasing his brow. “And you’re just okay with that?”
“No,” Evan said immediately. “I’m just realistic about it now.”
CJ looked toward the windows, staring at the harbor. Evan knew without asking what he was thinking because he’d spent years thinking the same thing. But it was probably CJ’s first time realizing how unfair it all was, and how exhausting it could be. How ridiculous it was that they had to have a conversation like this before they’d even had breakfast.
Eventually, CJ sighed and looked at him. “Okay.”
“But I need to know what we’re talking about here,” Evan said. “Are we talking about keeping this secret? Or just private?”CJ looked confused, and Evan shrugged. “They’re not the same thing.”
“No?”
“No,” Evan said emphatically. “A secret is something you’re ashamed of. It’s something you hide because you don’t want anybody to know it exists. Private is just…not everybody’s business.” The room fell quiet, and Evan felt his entire body tighten as he looked away.
“Private then,” CJ said quietly, and Evan’s shoulders relaxed. “I told you I wasn’t running anymore. Maybe we can’t go out there and be the poster kids for gay pride in professional baseball, but I’m not ashamed of you, or me, or this.”
Evan nodded slowly. He really wanted to believe him. “I still think we should keep it between us for now,” he said. “Until we figure out what this actually is.”
CJ’s expression tightened slightly, but Evan pressed on, “No point in coming out or telling people we’re together if we end up proving we can’t make it two weeks without someone running away.”
CJ winced, and Evan almost felt bad about it. Almost.
“That’s, uh…” CJ took a deep breath. “That’s a pretty grim view of our chances.”
“I think it’s pretty realistic given our history.”
CJ stared at the floor. “Fair.”
Evan sighed and moved to stand between CJ’s legs, resting a hand on his knee. He waited for CJ to look up. “I’m not saying we’re going to fail. I’m just saying that, even though this isn’t some random relationship that just started, it’s still new. Yeah, you know me and I know you, but we have years of individual histories and a spectacular amount of unresolved issues.”
CJ chuckled at that, then placed his hand over Evan’s on his leg.
