“I guess we should probably talk about last night.”
Evan nodded slowly and set his own mug down with a soft thunk. “Yeah.”
“We don’t have to figure everything out right now,” CJ added. “I just…don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Good,” Evan said with a nod, his voice quiet. “I’m not sure I could do that.”
Evan dragged a hand down the back of his neck, eyes dropping briefly before he forced himself to look back up. CJ watched him but didn’t say anything as he pushed himself up to sit on the counter.
“I don’t really know how to do this halfway,” Evan said after a beat. “With you, I mean. It’s either all in or not at all. And I—” The word caught in his throat before he pushed through it. “I want to see what happens here.”
He expected to feel relieved once he’d admitted what he wanted, but he didn’t. He felt a little light-headed and a lot nauseated, and his heart started pounding as he waited for CJ to respond. CJ’s expression shifted, and Evan watched some of the tension ease out of his shoulders. But he just held Evan’s gaze and didn’t smile or push or try to offer reassurances or promises that Evan wouldn’t have believed anyway.
“Okay,” CJ said.
“I just don’t want you to think that this is fine—thatwe’refine—just because we fucked,” Evan added. He could hear theedge that had crept into his voice, but he didn’t care. This was too important. “Because we’re not. Not really. Not yet.”
CJ nodded slowly. “That’s fair.”
“You hurt me,” Evan said. His words were blunt because he couldn’t think of any other way to say that. “You walked away, and I had to deal with that. I had to figure out how to—” He broke off, and his jaw tightened before he shook his head. “I’m not doing it again. I can’t.”
“I know,” CJ said quietly.
Evan searched his face for the defensiveness he was expecting, but he didn’t find it. “I’m serious, CJ.” Evan needed to make sure CJ understood. “I’m not going to just trust that this is different because you say you won’t walk away this time.”
“You shouldn’t.”
Evan blinked, caught off guard. “What?”
“You shouldn’t just trust it,” CJ repeated. “I haven’t given you reason to yet.”
There was no attempt to soften the reality of what he’d done in the past.
“You’re going to have to earn my trust again,” Evan said. His voice carried more conviction. “Last night doesn’t erase everything that came before it.”
“I know.” CJ met his eyes without flinching.
“I’m not going to pretend that I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop because I am. And I’m not going to make it easy for you,” Evan added. It wasn’t a threat. It was a statement of fact.
CJ’s mouth twitched, but he didn’t smile. “I’d be worried if you did.”
Evan narrowed his eyes. CJ was being too agreeable. Evan didn’t trust it. “This isn’t going to look like it did before,” he said. “I’m not some naïve kid now. We’re not those people anymore.”
“No, we’re not,” CJ agreed. “I’m hoping we’re better.”
Evan nodded, then shifted his weight and stared down at his hands before looking at CJ again. “If we’re doing this—” He stopped to recalibrate. “If I’m doing this…I need you to show up. Not just when it’s easy. Not just when it feels good.” He gestured vaguely between them. “All the time.”
CJ didn’t hesitate. “Okay.”
The answer came so quickly that Evan almost didn’t believe him. He picked up his coffee and looked at CJ suspiciously. “You keep agreeing with me.”
“Would you rather I argue?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe.”
CJ laughed softly. “No, you wouldn’t.”
A slow smile spread across Evan’s lips. “No, I wouldn’t. I hate it when you’re right.”
