“I…”
I’m just trying to keep you safe. Every second I spend with you makes people wonder. Wonder about my feelings for you. Wonder if they can use you against me. They could. They so could. If someone got ahold of you, I would do anything to make sure you got back home. And if anything happened to you, I would destroy this city and everyone in it. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that I’m so fucking in love with you that it hurts to breathe? That staying away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done?
“Whatever. Let’s keep this professional going forward. Do your check-ins, and I’ll call you if anyone wants to meet you. But other than that, stay out of my life.”
She turned on her heels and walked back to the bar. So calm, like she’d just given up caring. It didn’t matter how fast she moved because I didn’t matter. I was just a stranger.
A stranger not even worth the energy of running away from.
18
THE VOLUNTEER
It took allmy self-control not to sprint out of the bar. I just wanted to go home and cry. I spent the last week telling myself not to care, that I just met him. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I’d made up this picture in my head and it wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t living up to it.
It wasn’t fair to be mad at him. He didn’t know how much this back and forth was hurting me. How could he? I hadn’t told him and I couldn’t expect him to read my mind.
I knew that—I really, really did.
But I just wanted him to make up his fucking mind. I laid as much as I could out on the table and he just stared at me. Not a flicker of emotion behind those icy-blue eyes and it broke me. I’d been trying to tell myself to take him at his word—I was reading too much into it—he was being friendly and nothing else.
But friends didn’t spend hours together every single day for two and a half weeks. Friends didn’t call incessantly to check in when one was clearly avoiding the other. Friends didn’t ignite every nerve in your body with a single touch.
And yet, he just stood there.
I went back to the bar to grab my coat. I needed to get out, go home, draw a bath, and cry. Maybe eat a pint of ice cream.
“Come on, V, stay a little longer,” Amber whined.
“I just need a night to myself. Next week we can do a proper girls’ night, kay?”
“Fine, but don’t waste this. Eva poured it for you.” She picked up the last shot glass in a five-glass train; it was the only one that still had liquid in it.
I took the glass and downed it. “Bluh,” I protested. “Who ordered bourbon?”
“You looked like you needed something strong,” Eva said, a sad smile on her face. She must have seen Avalanche follow me.
I reached across the bar and gave her hand a squeeze, mouthingthank you.Then I gave Amber, Maddy, and Ashley a hug and left. It wasn’t until I made it outside that I realized something was wrong. I’d only had four drinks and I wasn’t a light weight. I could usually do six or seven before I needed to slow down, but the world was spinning.
No, no, no.
This wasn’t drunk. Someone spiked?—
“I’m so glad your friends let you leave alone.”
A chill ran down my spine as a hand closed around my upper arm.
“I was worried I’d have to hurt one of them.”
The hand jerked me around. I couldn’t see straight. The face in front of me was warped and unrecognizable. But the eyes—I knew those eyes. It had been over two months since he stood in the back corner of the bar and watched me with Avalanche.
“Let—”
“Shush,” he cooed, brushing my hair from my face. “I’ve been watching you. So pretty, so bright.” He leaned in closer assaulting my nose with the smell of beer and cigarettes. I tried to pull back but I was losing my fight with the drugs, I wasn’t strong enough. “I was worried about that black haired guy the first time I saw you. He’s scary, but you don’t want anything to do with…”
His words were starting to drift. I needed to stay conscious, I needed to hold out long enough that I could get help. I tried to pull away again but his grip tightened.
“Let me go.” My voice sounded so far away, so scared.
