“While I did miss my routine, I shall miss John more. As I told Harry last night, I learned a lot from him, and I consider myself a better man than I was before he came into my life. Before you…” His words trailed away.
Lydia looked up, staring into his eyes. He was a complete contrast to the way he had been on the stage the previous night. Then, she thought it was quite possible for him to throttle her. His touch had been rough and rushed whereas now there was nothing but tenderness. He reached up and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his smooth thumb. A tingle of excitement danced upon her cheeks and down her spine.
“I know it is wrong of me, but part of me never wanted it to end,” she admitted in a fragile whisper.
“I feel the same way,” he replied. She never expected to hear him say that, never expected them to be so united in these feelings. As she gazed at him, he seemed to transform. His features became softer, his eyes deeper, and his lips… She sought solace in them but only for a moment.
He leaned in, and terror gripped her heart. It was already tormented enough. She had allowed herself to love John because the baby needed her, and perhaps in a way, she needed him too, but she couldn’t allow herself to feel these things for Victor. She couldn’t take it. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to disappear into his kiss, but then so much hardship would have followed.
Better to cut the cord now.
She stepped back, increasing the distance between them. His hand slipped away from her cheek, and the warmth of his touch disappeared with it, replaced by a chill so icy she might as well have been standing in the heart of winter. There was dismay in his eyes, and this disappointment was so wrenching because it hinted at feelings in his heart, feelings that he should never have felt. Feelings they should never have shared.
Only her fingertips remained against his chest as she drew her hand away, and the faint echo of his heart continued against them.
“Now that John is with Juliet and Lord Harry, there is no need for us to continue this pretense. The matter is settled, and we can remain true to the agreement we made when this situation arose,” Lydia said, mustering all the strength she could to utter these words.
Then she drew her hands away fully and before he could answer, marched out of the room. She hitched up her skirt and disappeared into her chambers where she collapsed on the bed in a heap of shuddering tears. She was about to lose everything. She had already lost John, and now Victor was going to be gone as well, even though she didn’t love him.
She couldn’t love him.
Shemustn’tlove him.
This marriage had been a pretense, yet it felt all too real, and Lydia’s fragile heart was assaulted by strident emotions. She succumbed to them, like a wilting flower under the blazing sun. It was all too much… far too much.
Chapter Thirty-One
Preparations had been made to leave for Brighton. The butlers had been busy packing trunks and lashing them to the tops of carriages. For Lydia, everything passed by in a blur. It felt so surreal, just as it had been when all of these changes had come into her life like a tornado. To go back to what she had lost did not seem appealing to her, and she had to put on a brave face in order to make it through the day.
Lydia stood outside the nursery for far longer than she should have, breathing deeply before she entered. A dagger of ice pierced her heart as she looked on to see Juliet sitting in a chair, cradling John. It was a position that Lydia had enjoyed so many times, and it seemed wrong to look at Juliet inhabiting the same space, holding John as she once had.
“Good morning, Lydia,” Juliet said, greeting Lydia with a smile. Lydia forced a reflection of one upon her face.
“Good morning, Juliet, John,” Lydia said. Her voice hitched with emotion when she spoke John’s name. She hoped she had been able to mask it.
“I must admit I was worried that he would treat me like a stranger, but thankfully, he has taken to me quite naturally. Why, I do believe that I can make a success of being a mother after all.”
“I have no doubt. He is yours, and you are his. It’s as it should be,” Lydia said. The conflagration of emotion she felt was difficult to comprehend. She was both happy that Juliet and John were together and uneasy because it meant something profoundly special had been taken away from her. If only there had been two children, one for each of them… but there was only one John.
He could only have one mother.
“Thank you so much for all you have done. If you hadn’t been so adamant to find me, then I might never have known this joy. I owe you everything, Lydia, and you can be sure that I will never, ever forget it. If ever you are in need of something, please don’t hesitate to ask. I will do everything in my power to make it happen.”
“I appreciate that, but you really don’t need?—”
“I do,” Juliet said. There was a sternness in her eyes. “Without you, this could never have happened. I would have lived a wretched life, always searching for happiness but never findingit because nothing would ever be able to fill the hole in my heart. Because of you, I no longer have to face that sorrow, and I thank you for it. I called you an angel when we met, and everything you do only confirms that impression.”
While Juliet spoke of how she had escaped this wretched existence, it did not escape Lydia that this exact fate was going to be hers although, of course, she did not say such a thing to Juliet. There was no sense making Juliet feel guilty for doing what came naturally to her.
“While I am grateful for the kind words, I only did the right thing.”
“Many people would not have gone so far. I shall try to live as you do and exhibit the same qualities. I shall endeavor to teach John to be like you as well.”
“I’m glad that some of my influence shall live on,” Lydia replied although it was a sad thing that she would not be there to teach him herself. “Are you keen to begin a new life with Lord Harry? I must admit, I thought he spoke rashly when he mentioned leaving London. You do have a career after all.”
“I do, but I have taken a break before, and it will be no hardship to do so again. I felt a calling to the stage but an even greater calling to be a mother. And, hopefully, instead of fading from the public consciousness, my notoriety shall increase until they are positively begging for my return. I have shared so much with so many people, but now, it is time for me to have something of myown,” Juliet said, tilting her head to look down at John with an adoring gaze.
Lydia’s gaze fell to the boy as well, to his soft cheeks and puckered lips, to the wide eyes that were so often hooded, to the wispy hair on his scalp that was darkening and thickening a little more with every passing day. There was so much about him to love and far more to miss.
