“Baby,” I whisper, catching his hands in mine and pulling them away from his face.
He fights me for a second, but when the exertion forces a pained groan from my throat, he drops them.
I blink at him in surprise. Finding my boyfriend crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night wasn’t what I expected.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly, reaching out to tilt his face up.
It feels weird. Different. But not bad. I’m not usually the one taking care of Jasper like this, and something warm spreads through my veins at the knowledge that I get to be here for him. I get to love him and be loved by him. I get those things because he was brave enough to say the quiet part out loud and then fightfor me. Because he pulled me from a burning building; because he rescued me.
He shakes his head, trying to pull away from me.
“Would holding me make you feel better?”
Hesitating for a second, he inhales deeply, then nods. It’s barely there, but it’s all the answer I need.
I move his knees, forcing him to make room for me, then I plant myself in his lap, straddling him and wrapping my arms around his neck.
His arms hook around my waist, and he pulls me to him, cradling me as my chest presses against his.
Burying his face in my throat—the non-burned side—he breathes in deeply, almost like he’s trying to inhale me.
He’s trembling, and it’s getting worse. “Talk to me,” I all but beg.
“Do you know,” he chokes out roughly, “why I became a firefighter?”
“No.” Sliding my fingers into his hair, I close my eyes. “Will you tell me?”
Nodding against my throat, he draws in several deep breaths.
“When I was young, I was a dumbass,” he starts. “All kids are, to a point. But I was a real dumbass.”
His next breath is shaky, and even though sitting like this is starting to make my body ache, I press closer, rubbing my face against his and playing with the strands of his hair.
“When I was sixteen, I snuck out of the house.” His voice has dropped to a monotone. Lifeless and dull. “There was a party. It was stupid, but I wanted to go. My mom was working nights. I shouldn’t have left Sarah alone.”
Sarah? Jasper pauses, but I don’t want to interrupt him, so instead I keep rubbing his scalp and letting him feel me in his arms.
“I came back just before midnight, and… my house was on fire,” he chokes out, his body starting to shake violently. “Sarah was… she was in the yard, and I—I ran to her. She was lifeless. Like you were.”
A chill races down my spine. I’ve never heard of Sarah before now, and I already know this story doesn’t have a happy ending.
“I called 911, and I started doing CPR. I didn’t know what I was doing. Not really. But I—I was doing it right.” He swallows hard. “I know because I felt it when I broke her ribs,” he says, voice cracking. “Just like I felt it when I broke yours.”
“Oh, baby,” I whisper, my heart clenching at the pain and regret in his voice.
“She died, Arlo. Shedied, and it was all my fault. If I had been there… My mom lost her baby. I lost my sister, and it was all my fault. And I almost lost you. I almost lost you the same fucking way. I can’t—” His voice cuts off with a broken sob, and wetness coats my neck as he buries his face deeper. His chest heaves against mine, and tears fall down my cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, trying to be strong for him the way he always is for me.
“I became a firefighter for her. To honor her.”
I try to keep myself together as the man I love falls apart in my arms, his big body shaking with each ragged sob and gasp that rips from his throat. Even through all this, he’s being impossibly gentle with me, and I fucking hate the fact that I can’t let him squeeze me the way I know he really wants to.
He pulls back and locks eyes with me. “Ican’tlose you, Arlo. I can’t go through that again. I won’t survive lowering another person I love into the ground. I just can’t.”
“You didn’t,” I whisper. “I’m right here. I’m safe. Yousavedme. I’m alive becauseyousaved me.”
There are salt tracks on his face, and his eyes are swollen, and I realize that I don’t even know how long he’s been in here onhis own. His blue eyes bounce around my face, taking me in. It’s almost like he’s trying to reassure himself that I’m really here.
