“Tate, just answer me honestly.Did you want me to go back to school, and for this to all be over?”
I shook my head.
“Did you assume that’s what I wanted?”
I nodded.
“Did you ever consider that I might want something more with you; want something more from what we’ve had together?”
I stared at him.It was like I was both hollow inside, an empty shell, but also swollen with pressure.Ears ringing and my fingers numb.
“It didn’t feel like...”I started, only to have Kai interrupt.
“I didn’t want this to be over.I didn’t want it just to have been a summer break where we fucked, and that was it.You never asked, and maybe I screwed up too, because I never got around to telling you.But you just assumed, and Tate, you got it wrong, okay?You thought you knew what I wanted, but you didn’t.”
I squeezed my eyes shut.Brain spinning.“I don’t understand,” I admitted, little more than a whisper.
I felt him move closer.Kneeling on the deck in front of me, his hands on my knees a moment later.The heat of Kai’s body, spilling out against mine.
“Look, I have feelings for you that are more than just hook-up feelings, okay?”He was explaining it as though talking to a child.Easy words.Limited syllables.“And I can see now that there’s something in your head, some part of you, which can’t recognize when someone else might want something more with you.But I do want something more.And so I’m telling you, right now.”
I opened my eyes.He looked...earnest.Tired, but laid bare.
“Do you have an alcohol problem?”
It wasn’t what I expected him to ask, but I couldn’t say I was entirely surprised that it was among his questions.Even so, I had to bite back the instant denial that was my knee-jerk reaction.
“I...don’t think so.Not like an ‘alcoholic’ problem, I mean,” I tried to explain.“It was just helpful when my brain wouldn’t slow down, y’know?”
He nodded.“I’ve seen plenty of doctors who would say the same thing.Different reason, maybe, but the same symptom and treatment.”
I shrugged, not sure what to say next.
“Have you had a drink since...the other night?”
He was no more specific, but he didn’t need to be.We both knew exactly which night he was talking about.
“No.”I shook my head.The thought of drinking, of potentially screwing up again like that, turned the idea of wine sour.
Kai crossed his arms.“That’s probably for the best.”
I nodded.It was hard to trust my voice, and yet I knew I couldn’t rely on him to do all the talking.Not if I wanted to repair things beyond the bare minimum, anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I said, eventually.He opened his mouth to respond, but I jumped in before he could.“Not about the state of the house, or anything like that.I’m sorry for shouting at you, and for pushing you away.I’m sorry for calling you what I called you...and I’m sorry for saying you’d outstayed your welcome.You hadn’t.”
He stared at me, either because he was lost for words or maybe just to see if I’d finished.I wasn’t sure I had.
“And...”I started, then swallowed.It felt like half of my organs had risen up and lodged in my throat.“And, I mean, I’m sorry you saw me like this.Because I don’t feel like you’ve seen me at my best...”I could feel tears gathering at the corners of my eyes.“I don’t like the guy you met,” I finished, voice quiet and catching.
Kai was silent for a while, eyes searching my face.My whole body felt leaden and fragile, as though the slightest thing could tip it over and it would shatter into a million pieces.
“I liked the guy I met, Tate,” he said, finally.“He was cute, and a little awkward, and sexy even if he didn’t realize it.Smart, too, and funny.There was a whole lot to like about him.There still is.”
“I don’t...”I started, but he held up a hand to stop me.
“I’m not talking about perfection, I’m not saying there were no flaws.I think the biggest of those was that he got hurt, but didn’t give himself time to deal with that.Just forced himself to carry on, and bottled up all the emotions that were boiling away inside of him.And then he made dumb decisions, like shutting himself off like a hermit, and drinking because it was easier to tamp down the feelings that way.”
The tears were falling now, rolling hotly down my cheeks.
