Kai sighed.Took a deep breath.“What you said didn’t upset me, Tate,” he continued, quieter now.“What hurt was that you were pushing me away.At a time when I knew you needed somebody in your life.Someone who cared for you.”
I dragged a hand across my eyes, my vision blurry.“I can’t seem to help fucking up,” I stammered out.
Kai gave a tight smile.
“You make yourself sound so much worse than you actually are.Not that I should be surprised about that, I guess.”He reached out and, fingers cradling the side of my face, stroked the tip of his thumb across my tear-streaked cheekbone.I fought the urge to nuzzle into his hand.“I like you, Tate.I like you a lot.I wish you liked yourself half as much as I like you, in fact.”
“I like you liking me,” I told him, feeling awkward and self-conscious still.“And I like you too.A whole lot.I don’t know why it took all this for me to see that properly.”
Kai chuckled.“Considering how hard I had to work to seduce you in the first place, I probably shouldn’t be surprised that it was even harder to get you to take my feelings seriously.”
I had to laugh at that, even if it did sound like I was hiccuping at the same time.
“Can...can we start again?”I asked him, tentatively.Held my breath for his answer.
He shook his head.“No, we can’t start again.”
That sensation, like ice water flooding my insides.Not just my stomach, but every organ, every part of me.That wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.
“Tate, I don’t want to just restart from square one, and pretend that none of this happened.Or pretend that we’re both perfect, fully-adjusted people, for that matter.We’re both human, and that means we have faults, and baggage, and hang-ups.”
I nodded, still not trusting my voice.
“But if we’re going to give this a chance - a real chance, I mean, for something more than just sex - then we need to do better than simply hit reboot every time one of us fucks up.So, I guess the question is...do you want to give this a real chance?”
I opened my mouth, to blurt out a reply, then shut it again.Wanted to give my answer the thought that his question deserved.
“I do want that, yes,” I told him, eventually.“Even if I’m scared that I can’t change some of the things about myself that I’m not proud of.”
Kai shrugged, smiling.“I think everybody worries about that.But just by thinking it, you’re showing that you’re open to change.”
I wanted, desperately, to believe him.
“Can you be patient with me?”I asked, hating how needy I heard myself sound, but still wanting to hear his answer.
He reached out again, this time taking my hand and squeezing it in his.“It can take as long as it takes.”
“I just never...”I managed, before the tears started again.Before he wrapped me in his arms.
