“Hey, wait a second! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… I’ve had some bad experiences with virgins before.” Colin catches my hand. I want to pull it free, but he squeezes, and I relent. After a deep breath, I sit down again, though I stay on the edge of the mattress.
“Bad experiences with virgins?” I echo skeptically.
Colin nods, his hand still holding onto mine, his thumb gently caressing my knuckles. The soft contact does soothe my nerves a little bit.
“My ex—the one I told you about, Travis—had basically no experience when we started dating during freshman year. Never been with anyone before, never even kissed anyone before. And then, six weeks after we moved in together, I find him fucking our neighbor’s daughter on the couch.”
I wince at his words, instinctively squeezing his hand back. “Shit, that must’ve been a shock.”
He snorts, his head lolling back against the headboard. “You could say that. Especially since he always claimed he was gay. Not bi, not pan, just gay.”
Something about Colin’s words doesn’t sit right with me. His ex sounds like a real douchebag for cheating on him, but it strikes me more as a character flaw than a problem with his sexuality. Or his experience. Still, I keep my mouth shut since I’m not an expert on either of those topics.
For a moment, neither of us speaks, then Colin clears his throat. “You know what? I really don’t want you to leave. This wasn’t my worst first date.”
“Not?” I manage, and we both let out laughs that are ninety percent nervousness. It helps chase some of the bitterness from my thoughts. At least I didn’t fail on all fronts.
“No, Linden, I really like you.” Colin cups my cheek and turns my head toward him. “You’re funny, you’re smart, and great to talk to.”
Despite managing a weak smile, I escape the kiss he wants to initiate. I clear my throat so I can answer.
“I like you too,” I tell him. At least I think I do. After all, I don’t have much material to compare this to, but bringing that up would only make things worse right now. “But…where does this leave us if you don't want to…” I can’t exactlystopbeing a virgin by myself. I doubt a toy would count in this case.
Colin gnaws on his lower lip for a moment, his eyes trailing off into the distance. When he opens his mouth again, he also holds up one hand as if to stop a protest he already knows is coming.
“I have a suggestion, and I would like you to hear me out before you say no,” he says, which isn’t a promising start. Still, I nod.
“I’m leaving in a week for my travels. I’ll be gone for three months.”
I nod again. This isn’t news to me. Over dinner, Colin talked in great detail about his upcoming trip across Europe. We even chatted about it before, when it wasn’t yet a definitive plan. However, I don’t get how that connects to our situation right now. If he likes me, then why would he immediately announce that he’s leaving?
My apparent confusion makes Colin chuckle. He rests his hand on my leg.
I can’t help but notice that it’s lying much lower than earlier. Almost on my knee rather than my thigh. The touch is lighter too, like I’m fragile all of a sudden.
“What I mean is: that would give you time to…gather some experience? If you also want to see where we could go,” he adds the last bit quickly, counting on being interrupted.
“I…what?” I ask, dazed.
“I know this isn’t like…a usual thing to suggest, but consider it like a freebie! To do things you always wanted to do.”
“So…so you won’t be…mad? If I…”
“Well…a little, but I’ll be in Europe. I might be going on my own discovery tour.”
“Ah.” I’m not sure if the acid rising in my throat is anxiety or jealousy.
“It’ll be like an open relationship,” Colin continues. It’s starting to sound like he’s trying to convince not just me, but himself as well. “And in three months, we’ll both be ready to make a serious commitment to each other.” He nods with a smile. “If you’re willing to put in the effort, this will work out.”
Three months to gain enough experience that Colin will want to have an actual relationship with me. I realize that my shoulders are around my ears and slowly push them down.
“I…” Shaking my head, I break off. What do I have to lose? Colin’s the first guy who agreed to go out with me in years. And considering I nearly freaked out just because he licked my ear, it’s not that unreasonable of him to want to make sure I’m attracted to him.
With a hum, I get up from the bed, unable to bear another moment of feeling Colin’s hand lying limply on my leg. “I guess I have no time to lose.” I try to joke, but my words tremble in the air like the last leaves on a branch just before a winter wind rips them away. I want to go home, crawl into bed, and pull my blanket over my head.
“Text me when you’re home,” Colin says, following me out of his room to the door.
I pull my shoes on without undoing the laces, then stand there awkwardly as I try to figure out what else to say. I can feel Colin hovering nearby, which is the only reason I don’t run out the second both my feet are back on the ground.
