‘Jack Harper,’ Rachel said. ‘That’s who you’re thinking of.’ Her throat was horribly dry.
‘Ohfuck,’ Jessica said, louder and more animated than she’d been all afternoon. She was staring at Rachel, giggling anxiously, her lush mouth wide open with worry. ‘You didn’t end up married to him, did you? Oh God, say you didn’t! See – this is why I usually keep my mouth shut.’
As soon as Dev, Sophie and Jessica had left, Tom began apologising.
‘I’m so sorry, Rachel. I tried to ring you as soon as I knew she was going to be here … Dev and I had already had some discussion about her coming on board –heateddiscussion, I might add – but I never thought he’d bring her today. He only told me an hour before the shoot started.’
‘You knew she was getting involved with the exhibition and didn’t TELL ME?’
Rachel had the dim sense that she wasn’t being fair – that she was about to blow her stack about one thing when really she was upset about something else entirely.
Tom’s eyes widened at her overreaction. ‘Steady on, Rach. I didn’tknow– it wasn’t final. And I didn’t see the point in upsetting you by bringing it up until I was sure.’
‘You weren’t so bothered about upsetting me when you were flirting with her during the shoot!’
‘What?’
‘I’m not blind, Tom! It all looked very touchy-feely, even from the other side of the room. You were on the hook from the second she started pouting and fluffing her hair.’
‘Oh my God. Are you serious?’
She wasn’t, really, but she was indignant. And – oh fuck –herewas the realisation she’d been trying to keep at bay all afternoon: she was jealous.
‘I couldn’t be less interested in Jessica!’ Tom ranted. ‘Frankly, I felt a bit sorry for her. In any case, I don’t know how you can justify having a go at me for being merely polite to her when you’re spending half your time cosied up to the bastard who couldn’t keep his hands off her. The man whoactuallycheated on you with her. Really, how am I the dickhead here? Do enlighten me.’
Rachel felt around for something to say – something impressive and clever that might obscure the fact that he was totally right.
‘I’m not “cosied up” to Jack,’ she yelled. ‘It’s not my fault we ended up working together!’
‘No. But, Rachel,I’mnot blind either – none of your friends are. Don’t you think it’s a bit ironic, hating Jessica for her Insta-fakery and airbrushed ads, when you’ve spent the past six months mooning over a man who lives his whole life through some sort of … some sort ofcharm filter? Someone unbelievably selfish, but brilliant at playing the hero when it suits him. Someone whose scheming and manipulation has, unfortunately, started rubbing off on you.’
‘That’s not fair,’ Rachel said – though on what basis, she wasn’t quite sure.
‘Isn’t it? Last month I pretended to be your boyfriend in front of a room full of people, most of whom you were lying to, so you could make Harper jealous – intensify this twisted game of cat-and-mouse you’ve been playing. Yes, you’d been drinking – but you’d have kissed me,properlykissed me, just to wind him up. It makes me feel ill, and I wish I’d never been part of it. I wish I could stopthinkingabout it.’
Tom’s face was agonised. His blue-grey eyes were wild behind the lenses of his glasses, full of anger, hurt and – even more unbearably – disappointment.
‘I wouldn’t—That isn’t—It wasn’t—ARGH.’
Rachel scrubbed her face with the palm of her hand, then decided to try again.
‘I’d never have done that. I would never have kissed you just to upset someone else. I couldn’t kiss you and bethinkingabout someone else … I don’t think that’s possible.’
Suddenly she knew that it wasn’t. For the brief moment Tom’s lips had been on hers, she’d forgotten Jack even existed. It had just taken her a while to admit it to herself.
Tom shook his head, still furious – but sad now too. His whole frame seemed to have sagged, weary and defeated, and when he turned his head to look at her the motion was slow and strained.
‘Six months ago you would have said you’d never fake a relationship. Six months ago you swore you wouldn’t get pulled back into all this Jack drama – yet here we are. I don’t think you know what you’re capable of any more … And it kills me that I don’t either.’
Without waiting for her to respond, he turned his back on her. Then, without another word, he picked up his canvas bag of photography equipment and left the studio.
29
Anna didn’t come home on Saturday night, or on Sunday. She sent several texts asking Rachel to contact her, but Rachel didn’t have the heart.
She didn’t call her parents either; she couldn’t face more questions about her future living arrangements, and a single kind word from her dad might see her break down entirely. It wasn’t fair to distress them when there was nothing they could do about the mess her life was in. They couldn’t take away her work troubles, repair her relationship with Anna or fix things with Tom. What was the point in making them worry?
Alone in the flat, Rachel spent the weekend alternately weeping, napping, picking at leftovers and trying to work out how and when she’d developed feelings for someone who, until a month ago, she’d have said was only a friend.
