Page 155 of The Song We Lost

“No… and you know I’m not, Rose.”

No one said a thing to that, Thomas passed by me, taking his seat at the table, quietly observing.

“So was there a group vote that I got left out of?” I demanded.

Rose said “no” at the same time Rachel answered “kind of.”

Pushing my hands through my hair, I started to laugh. Not a cute laugh or a soft laugh… like maybe I had finally lost it kind of laugh. I wanted to cry and maybe scream, but instead of tears I was laughing.

When I finally got control of myself I locked onto Rachel, asking her to explain. She sighed and set her coffee mug down, “I had heard rumours that Luke wasn’t doing well. But hadn’t heard anything concrete. Then I got a call from Luke one night, and he asked me for help… Bailey he sounded so broken. So I made a plan and…”

I gasped, interrupting her, remembering the little meeting she had with Noah, Rhett and Jackson before they went back to Nashville.

My mind started to work through what this could mean, “How is he getting out of his contract with the studio and Dave.”

Rachel looked out the window before looking back at me, “I don’t know. Jackson said he was going to take care of it, I haven’t gotten any of the details yet.”

I spun in a circle trying to keep myself from screaming, “Ok I need you to go back to Nashville, figure out what Jackson has been working on, and see what we can do to get Luke out from under Dave.”

Rachel nodded and I didn’t think I had the energy for a conversation with Rose right now, so I turned and started to walk away.

“Bailey, I am sorry sweety but he's my son and I…”

I held up a hand interrupting her, taking a deep centering breath so I wouldn’t lose all control.

“If you think I am upset because you helped Luke, then you obviously don’t know me. That is not why I am upset. And right now… I… I can't do this right now. I need to process… I need to not deal with something more. I just can’t…”

I didn't turn or wait to hear what anyone said. I walked to the front door, slid on my boots and went and sat on my empty front porch until my fingers were cold and then I made my way back to Sadie and Cole’s.

Rachel had been back in Nashville for three weeks. Three weeks of the label pushing for me to perform at Christmas Spectaculars and New Years Eve events. I had told her to handle it. That I was not traveling anywhere, I couldn’t leave Sadie.

Sadie… who kept lying about how she was feeling, who was slipping away and still happily picking out baby clothes online and planning for a future for her little girl that she wouldn’t be a part of. And then there was Cole who kept refusing to lean on his friends. Refused to go to Adam’s pub opening, or even tell him what was going on. Like he was terrified to leave her side.

Rose and Noah had left in the morning to go to Luke’s first family visitation since he was admitted to rehab. It had taken me a few days to come to terms with how bad things had gotten for him. But I think after a while, after you get hit after hit after hit… You just kind of go numb.

Sadie suggested I speak to someone, but I couldn't even imagine trying to wrap my head around everything I was dealing with right now and unpacking it for a complete stranger.

So that is why I was in Thomas’s truck, my hands trembling on the wheel as I sat outside the staff exit at the hospital. I had told Cole and Thomas that I was going into Summit City for last-minute shopping, but the truck seemed to take me to where I really needed to be.

I had tried my hardest to accept what Sadie was asking for, but everything in me was screaming that if I gave up, if I did what she asked… I was as good as responsible for her death.

I had done so much in my life, given so much, I did everything asked of me. I didn’t stop or slow, no matter what was thrown my way. I did it all so that we could have the dream life.

But I felt like a fraud; I felt like I was constantly failing everyone I loved. I failed to see that Luke needed help and instead walked away from him. I am failing my sister now; I am sitting by and letting her die. Everyone is walking around in a fucking bubble pretending that this is just another December, another Christmas season. But it is not.

Sadie is pregnant and dying and Luke is in rehab.

Nothing is normal… it is not ok.

Out of the truck, the snowflakes are swirling in a perfect dance. I could hear Sadie’s voice:“It looks like someone shook the snow globe. It’s so pretty, Bailey. Come outside with me.”

I hadn’t realized what I was doing, but I was out of the truck before I registered the decision. I started pacing, and then I stopped, my face tilted up to the sky, letting the snow swirl and dance around me. Letting the tears stream, letting myself feel small… letting my storm of emotions mix with the snow around me.

“Miss… Are you ok?”

I looked up, and Sadie’s Oncologist was walking towards me. Wiping furiously at my face, realizing how crazy I must look and what the public would say if someone got a picture of me out here like this.

“Hi… I am sorry,” he looked around the parking lot and stopped walking. “Shit, sorry, I am not crazy, I…” I pulled off my toque and took a step closer, under one of the parking lot lights. “I am Sadie Mercer’s sister… I tried to make an appointment to see you, but I am not a patient, and you are so busy, and I…”