“Ben, I know you like firefighters, but we can’t buy this house because you want to live with one,” I tell him as gently but firmly as I can.
He pulls himself out of my arms and jumps to his feet, his little face scrunched in frustration. “It’s not just Joel. I like Murph, and he likes me. And Win is my friend. And… and…” He looks around as if searching for another reason to convince me to stay.
I smile. “You really like it here, huh?”
He nods. “Harry said I could go to school here. He’s starting first grade, so we won’t be in the same class, but we could play together at recess.”
Oh boy.I need to have a conversation with Lina and figure out what Ben and I are going to do next. And I need to do it soon, before Ben gets any more attached to this house than he already is.
I keep wanting to listen to my heart and my soul, which say our future is here in Rios, but the voice in my head keeps telling me to pack up our car and head back to Memphis, where Ben will be closer to his grandparents and everything he knows.
I love Murph, Joel, and Win. There’s no question in my mind about that. But I can’t just think about what I want, and it doesn’t feel right to ask them to uproot their lives to Memphis either.
“It’s a big decision,” I tell Ben. “I need to think about it longer. And I need to talk to Grandma about it, too. All our things are back in Memphis. We would need to think about school and a job for me, and so many other big and small things. Not just a house.”
He gives me a searching look. Even though I said I need to think about it, which usually means no, I guess he doesn’t see this as an outright refusal, because he nods. “Okay, Mommy.”
We don’t have a house, but that doesn’t mean we’re homeless. We have a home with my parents for as long as we want. Sam and his parents would happily help us find a place near them in upstate New York so Ben can stay close to Simon’s family.
I have savings—alotof savings—from selling our old home in Memphis, along with the six-figure life insurance payout from Simon’s death. It’s more than enough to buy a house and give us the fresh start we both need.
But I’m so torn.
Benseemshappy here, but that doesn’t mean he always will be. I’ve taken my son away from everything he knows. His home. His friends. His extended family. Am I being selfish in wanting to stay here?
“It’s okay, Mommy,” Ben says quietly.
My eyes snap toward him. It’s honestly surprising that he hasn’t gotten bored with me hugging him for this long and wriggled to get free. “What’s okay, baby?”
“Having a sleepover with Murph.”
I cringe, fighting the urge to cover my hot face with my hand. “What?”
He points at the sheet I’ve tucked under my armpits, wanting to hide the fact I’m naked under it. “You only pulled the sheet all the way up with Daddy, and Murph was being weird when I saw him outside your room.”
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Instead, I hug him and bury a kiss in his hair. “You terrify me sometimes, Ben.” With my hair down, covering my neck, it’s only a matter of time before he notices Murph’s claiming bite.
He scrunches his nose. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to get confused, baby. I like Murph, Win, and Joel, and they want us to be a pack, but I don’t want you to think I’m replacing your dad. I loved your dad very, very much, and he loved you, too.”
“And I love him,” he says. “He wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time. I don’t want you to be sad.”
With tears in my eyes, I pull him into my lap, wrapping my arms tight around him. “You’re very good to your mommy.”
“I know.”
I laugh. Humble, my son is not.
He pulls away and peers up at me. “Mommy?”
“Yes, baby.”
“If we stayed here, I’d miss Grandma and Grandpas, but maybe they could come visit?”
“Maybe they could. You wouldn’t miss your friends from preschool?”
He shrugs. “They can visit, and I can make new friends here.”
