Lucas moved towards me. “Cupcake, no. Please. Just talk to us. We’ll get rid of him and talk this through.”
I shook my head and edged around them. “I have to be alone.”
“Baby, don’t close us out.” Andrew reached for me, but I hurried to open the door. “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered without looking back at them before hurrying out of the room and down the hall. I ran to my room and didn’t even get inside before I was sobbing. Locking the door to make sure they couldn’t get it, even with the key card, I went straight to my bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as it’d go.
The realization slammed through me that I hadn’t even been so upset when I’d stumbled in on Milo screwing someone else. I’d thought I was in love with him, but it hadn’t hurt. What I was feeling after walking away from the triplets was devastating. It wasn’t even about what people might call me when they found out. It was just walking away from them. They’d made me happier than I could remember being, ever. Spending time with them felt like getting to fly a little closer to the sun without getting burned.
I’d fallen hard for them. It was stupid and messy and had been doomed from the beginning, but it was true. Cursing my stupid heart and inability to keep things light with them, I stripped down and got in the shower. I wanted to cry withoutfear of anyone hearing. I wanted to cry until it didn’t hurt so much.
I stood under the hot water until my skin was bright red and waterlogged. Still, I hurt. Sinking onto the tile bench, I held my face in my hands and shook as the cold air of the room chilled me to the bone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. I just had to suffer alone.
I knew I deserved that for what I’d done to Macy. I probably deserved everything I was feeling. What had I been thinking? I couldn’t have a relationship with three men. Especially Macy’s brothers. How selfish was I?
Wrapping my arms around my body, I forced myself to get out of the shower and dry off. I meant to get dressed, but I didn’t have the energy. Instead, I curled up in a bed that smelled like the three men I was aching over. I was wide awake, unable to sleep through the ache I was feeling. All I could do was stare up at the ceiling and go through the thousand scenarios I was imagining.
In a different life, maybe I could’ve been their fourth. We could’ve lived our lives together and been happy. There could’ve been a happy house with a giant bed and maybe even more. Nights spent in that bed, but even more nights spent on the couch together, laughing and talking. I could’ve learned even more about them. I’d never know so many things.
Tossing around in my bed, I pressed my palms into my eyes and tried to stop thinking. If I could just shut my brain off, maybe I’d be okay. It didn’t feel that way. It felt like I’d never be okay.
Cursing, I sat up and gripped the blanket in my fingers. It wasn’t fair. I’d spent so much time fighting what was happening that I hadn’t experienced enough. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry more. I wanted to find Macy and have her hold me while I cried like all the times before when I’d gone to her sad about onething or another. I wanted to wake up and not have feelings for three men who were completely off-limits.
Whore. Slut. Milo’s words settled into my brain and I grabbed at my hair, frustrated. Twisting into my brain, those words threatened the beauty that was being with the three men at the same time. It started to look like something dirty, something wrong. Even as I sat there, multiple places on my body sore from being used and pleasured, the edges of the picture started to dinge.
I hid in my room that night, too afraid to chance facing the triplets after walking away from them. There was also the fear that Milo had told everyone. Macy would hate me. Everyone would hate me. It would ruin Macy’s wedding. She’d never forgive me. I didn’t want to lose my best friend. She’d been there for me since we were in kindergarten. She was my platonic soulmate.
I sat with the pain of knowing that if Macy never spoke to me again, it was all my fault. I’d let myself put her feelings aside for my own selfish desires. I’d willingly and knowingly walked into her brothers’ rooms and done things that would scandalize even some porn stars. It wasn’t a fun thing to sit with, but I couldn’t think of anything other than the guys, and that didn’t feel any better.
The next day I didn’t leave my room. I ignored the texts and calls. I ate the leftovers in my minifridge and spent most of the day curled up in bed, crying. Knocks rang out on my door, but I couldn’t face anyone.
The day after, I couldn’t keep it up. The rehearsal was in the afternoon, followed by a big dinner with everyone. Then, after that, there was a joint bachelor and bachelorette party. If Macy didn’t hate me, I had to be there for her. Her wedding was the day after, and she deserved her best friend to show up for her.Ifshe didn’t hate me.
I got ready for the rehearsal, a headache nagging at me, and forced myself to not show up in all black, no matter how I felt. I had so much guilt as I walked into the ballroom. Guilt that I’d vanished on everyone. Guilt that I’d been a bad friend. Guilt that I’d slept with all three of Macy’s brothers during her wedding. And guilt that I’d maybe hurt Andrew, Lucas, and Warren’s feelings. I knew they’d called. They’d texted. They’d knocked on my door and called out to me. They tried to reach me and I’d ignored them.
I expected someone to shout that the slut had arrived and to have people start pelting me with old tomatoes. I expected Macy to look me in the eye and tell me she hated me. I took a deep breath and walked farther into the room, attempting to join the wedding party.
My hopes at blending in died a fast death as a gasp filled the giant ballroom and a loud voice rang out, calling everyone’s attention to me.
Chapter 21
“Jesus Christ, she lives!” Macy rushed over to me and grabbed me in a hug. “Are you okay? You disappeared on us.”
I could see the triplets watching me, taking me in, and I knew I was lacking. I felt terrible and I knew I looked it. I was just so grateful to have Macy hugging me, though. I held her tight and fought back tears.
She knew something was wrong as she pulled back and looked me over. “Oh, babe. What’s wrong?”
Tears instantly formed and slid down my cheeks. I brushed them away and groaned. “You know that’s the worst question to ask when I’m trying not to cry. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just...I’m so excited for you.”
“You’re also the world’s worst liar.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me away from the crowd. “Is it Milo? Did he do something?”
I shook my head and fanned my face. “No, no. Really. This is just hormones, or something. I think I’m coming down with something and I’m just falling apart over it, apparently. Nothing for you to worry about, though, okay? Promise me that you’re not going to spend the night obsessing over me and why I’m a wreck.”
She shook her head. “Something’s wrong. I know you, Sara.”
“Please. Just...let’s enjoy your wedding. I want this to be all about you and your marriage. You deserve this.”
Her frown was intense, but eventually, her face softened and she sighed. “Fine. I’m not going to push you right now, but you’re going to talk to me when this is all over.”
