A warm breeze dances across my cheeks as I make it outside. The birds cutting through the sky overhead and the laps of the ocean already pulling me out of my miserable mood.
Not wasting a second of time, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone, I set off into the wilderness. Following the path I’ve got memorised bone deep.
I’m drunk.
The wine went straight to my head, after only eating a banana all day. The sun is setting, the sky more navy than golden as the last of the light starts to fade.
The darker the sky gets, the darker my mood becomes. Un-helped by the bottle and a half of wine I’ve consumed.
Coming to the pool hasn’t helped at all. That might have to do with my intoxication levels and lack of substance, but I digress. Looking at the glistening water usually calms all my nerves. Tonight, every time I look at the little ripples, I seeher.
The way I got to seehernaked for the first time.
The wayshetried to not look at me bare.
The waysheflicked her wet hair.
The wayshecrumbled in front of me for the first time.
The wayshe’skept me a secret.
I fearshe’sbroken me in a way that can never be fixed. Everything hurts.Is this howshe’sfelt ever since Mabel’s been on board?
Soon enough, I’m eclipsed in darkness, the sounds of bugs and soft rushing water the only accompanying sounds to my slowing increasing drunkenness.
There’s not a lot of wine left in this bottle and I have no more. I’ll have to go back soon. But I don’t want to.
The sounds of nature and nothing else–no one else–feels right.
I’ve been too absorbed in Cyrus the last couple of months, I haven’t had the chance to ground myself in the earth, to do exactly this. Maybe I’ll stay up here tonight. Alone and drunk.
Nothing to distract me from the riotous feelings racing through me.
The Burnt Bones is almost back to rights after the battle. It won’t be long until they all leave. Once Cyrus is out of sight, I’ll be able to get over her completely. Move onto another pirate that darkens my doorstep.
For now, I know I can’t see her again.
Tonight is the night I break the arrangement for the good of my own heart.
With that decided, a little weight releases from my shoulders, yet my chest squeezes tight. But it’s the right decision. It’s not fair to Cyrus to keep doing something, not when shedoesn’t know I’m in love with her. When she’s basing everything on the assumption that it’s only sex. It’s also not fair to me. I shouldn’t have to hurt myself over and over just to get the meagre scraps of her. I shouldn’t have to force myself to be a secret.
I sigh with relief.
Even as a tear tracks down my cheek.
I’ll talk to her tomorrow, tell her it’s over. No more sleeping in her room instead of my own. No more glances stolen over the bar. No more hiding.
No more secrets.
Bringing the bottle to my lips, I down the last of the wine before putting it back in the basket still full of food, the blanket haphazardly thrown over it.
Pulling the blanket off, I throw it over my shoulders, keeping the evening chill away and comforting myself in the only way I’m currently able to.
Time passes slowly, watching the stars slowly blink into existence above me.
There’s a rustle in the bushes behind me. I pay no mind to it, expecting it to be some kind of animal moving around, not realising it’s got close to humanity before moving on.
My attention fixes back on the flickering stars above, no longer hearing the rustling behind me.
