“Tally.”
My heart freezes.
Everything halts.
No. No, no, no.
Notnow. Not now that I’ve finally come to the conclusion that we’re done. Not whilst I’m drunk and won’t be able to hold myself back. From either throwing myself at her or unleashing all the emotions raging inside me, I’m not sure.
I don’t move, don’t say anything. Can barely think anything other thanfuck.
Cyrus moves into my periphery, sitting on the other side of the basket. A part of me hates that she chose to put distance between us. The other part is immensely grateful.
Her fingers pick up a crumbled seashell from the dirt, no doubt dropped up here by birds, after they feasted on the stuff inside. “I thought we were meeting back at the inn.”
I force myself to swallow whatever words are currently fighting their way up my throat.
“I started to get concerned when you didn’t come into the tavern at all. Then, you weren't in the room. Thought I’d see if you came up here on your own.”
Again, I force myself to keep quiet, keeping my gaze on the twinkling of lights above us.
She sighs when she realises I’m not going to respond. “Have I done something wrong? I was waiting at the tavern for ages.”
“We’re done, Cyrus.” It’s the only words I can muster. They're devastating but to the point. I think it’s all I can manage right now as a droplet of moisture carves a path down my cheek.
She stills her fidgeting with the shell and turns to face me fully. “Why?”
She looks so confused, like there couldn't be any reason on this earth for me to justify me calling this quits. It cracks a soulless laugh from my chest. “Because I saw you watching Amara earlier. And I realised that I can’t be a space saver for her anymore.”I can’t love you when you can’t love me.I don’t say the last part, although I swear I can hear the words echo around us. Maybe I’m more drunk than I realised.
How she manages to keep the stone facade on right now boggles me. I’m falling apart and she looks completely normal.
“What the fuck do you mean, Tally?” The sound echoes around us, her tone having risen a couple octaves.
“I mean, I watched you come into the tavern, looking atAmara like she hung the moon, stars, and the sun. I mean, I can’t stand, here waiting for you to love me back, when you can’t stop looking at someone who doesn’t even want you. This was fun to begin with, but I refuse to be someone’s dirty little secret forever.”
I take a deep breath before finally looking over at her properly. Water lines her eyes and I can see her walls fracturing, but it’s not enough. Not enough to stop me from doing what I need to do. Not enough to stop the word vomit now that I’ve started.
“I refuse to be with someone when they want somebody else so badly, it’s clear to see. I will not lower myself and my worth. I know it’s my fault. We said it would only be fucking. I know what this arrangement was meant to be. But I had to go and stupidly fall in love with you, now I can no longer do whatever this shit is. I can no longer be your deep secret.”
Forcing myself to look away before my tears start falling and get to my feet. Leaving the basket behind with Cyrus, I walk away without another word.
Secretly hoping she’ll catch up to me and tell me she loves me too.
I realise how foolish a notion that is when the world stays silent behind me.
Tears silently fall, as I walk the well-trodden path back to the inn. Relying on muscle memory more than my vision.
When I finally make it back, I don’t bother to hide the pouring tears as I walk through the tavern, straight to the back and to my room that is clouded with a slight layer of dust from disuse.
Other than grabbing a change of clothes everyday, I haven't been here for months. Even grabbing clothes became less and less, after washing them and storing them in Cyrus’s room. Seeing no need to bring them back in here.
With the pace of a snail, I drop onto the bed and curl into a ball, still fully clothed.
Then the sobs start.
Each one wracking my chest in a furious frenzy of love and pain.
It was the right decision to make. Even if I wish she’d let me have one night to settle into the decision before bombarding me.
