The silence I used to thrive on, starts to become oppressive. Knowing we have things to talk about and instead choosing silence ties an unpleasant knot in my stomach.
I just don’t know where to start.
My old friend anxiety crawls around my insides, looking for an out.
I almost miss her words, whilst I stew over my own bullshit. “My father used to bring me here, tell me about the land and our people. I’d always be starving by the time we made it here and want to go back. I grew to appreciate it once I was older and could see it for its beauty. It’s where I watched your ship from the last time you left.”
I wince at that, it hurt when she didn’t come to the dock to say goodbye but it’s almost worse to know she was up here alone instead. “You were right, the view is beautiful here. I can imagine how stunning the sunset will be.” Matching Tally's tone, I keep my voice low. Afraid I may fracture something too fragile to be repaired.
Her head twists into my chest, muffling her words. “I thought you should see one sunset from here before you leave.”
And with one sentence my heart falls to my stomach, heavy as a lead weight.
“I’ll be back. I’m not leaving for good.”
“You’ll be gone for months, Cyrus. It’s something I knew would happen, that you’d be leaving again. I didn’t expect it to be happening so soon though.”
Tears prick at the edges of my vision. “Would it make it any better if I told you I don’t want to leave?”
“No.” The word is meek, with barely any sound, yet somehow it hits its mark, with a painful thud between my ribs.
“If we don’t take them out, they’ll come for you again. I can’t allow that, love.” The first traitorous tear slides down my cheek.
She says nothing, and I can’t stand the silence, so I fill it. “Besides I’ve got to come back soon, I’ve got a tavern to fix. I’ve got plans to make it as pretty as the woman who owns it.”
Tally raises her head at that, when I see the tears tracking down her face, the rest of mine fall to join hers. She places a hand on my cheek, and I have to hold back the sob that wants to break free. Her whisper is fragile, “We’re doomed, aren’t we?”
Then she turns back to the view, ending the conversation with the most devastating blow.
Looking at the view myself, I let my heart fall to pieces. I don’t want us to be doomed. She’s everything I want, I don’t know how I’m meant to go months and months at a time without seeing her. Then to only have her for a short period of time, just to leave again for months.
I couldn't live like that without her.
The three and a half months without her before was emotional torture. And I hadn’t even figured out my feelings then. How am I meant to do that again with the knowledge that I love her? That I’ve told her I love her and she still loves me?
I don’t think I can leave.
Not without destroying us both.
Whilst we sit here in silence for hours, slowly watching the sun lower, I internally battle with a decision.
And when the sun sets and it’s just as beautiful as Tally painted it to be, I make my decision.
After the sun set, we went back to the ship still solemn and heartbroken, but it didn’t stop Tally from putting me on my knees and making her cum until the moon was high.
This morning, I’m on a mission.
Before Tally wakes, I’m dressed and up on top deck. Pacing the length of the ship over and over, mentally rehearsing the conversation I need to have with Amara.
I’m riddled with anxiety over this, I could barely sleep last night. Instead, favouring to watch the dust mites float on air. There’s a heavy weight at the bottom of my stomach, one that grows with every footstep I take.
I can’t stop the pacing, every time I do, I feel as if the ship is going to open up and swallow me whole. Keep me here for all eternity.
“Is there a reason why you're wearing a hole in my ship this early? Or is this a new thing you’ve developed?”
My feet instantly stop, body swivelling towards Amara.
The person I wanted– no,needed– to have a conversation with is here and now my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth.
