The sun is starting to set as we head out to the big front porch to film the final scene of the day. This is the one I’ve been dreading. The one that’s kept me awake when I already don’t have time for a decent sleep.
It’s a confrontation between my character and her boyfriend. And it gets ugly in a way that hits me hard. Because the script mirrors the kinds of things Brad said to me when I broke up with him. In public, he was always the perfect guy. But in private, he could get mean, and this was the meanest he ever got. Hurt pride will do that to a guy, even when he’s the one in the wrong.
My heart is already racing and hands trembling as we get settled on our marks. The guest actor, Tobias Fielding, is seated on the porch swing and I’m about to walk into frame. He seems like a nice guy, but he’s got a short arc, so I won’t really get to know him too well. And this emotional nightmare is the first scene I’m filming with him. I take a few deep breaths to bring myself into my character’s head.
The director calls action and I start walking toward Tobias. “Carter.”
“Hey, baby.”
“Look, things have been difficult lately. You know that.”
“I know, but it’s okay. You’re leaving this place behind. Your sisters can look after the ranch. We’ll be off at school together. It’s not your problem.”
Willow’s hurt reflects my own. We’re both familiar with a guy who doesn’t care enough about you as a person. Who only values you for what you add to his life, whether it’s an image boost, or arm candy, a status upgrade in the celebrity world, or his next box office hit. Anger replaces the hurt, a burning knot lodging itself in my chest.
“Carter, it’s not ‘some place.’ This is my home, my family. I can’t just up and leave like that. I’m dropping out.”
He pulls back, the irritation and anger on his face so real I shrink away from it.
“You can’t do that. What’s wrong with you. You’re choosing your family over me?” He kicks his feet, pushing the porch swing into agitated motion.
“I’m not choosing them. We can still be together. We can talk on the phone, visit.”
He laughs, and it’s a mean, bitter sound. Tobias is very good at his job, because right now, I’ve forgotten that he’s not really Carter. “That’s not gonna work for me. If you’re going to stay stuck here in this shitty-ass town, you can do it by yourself. I’m going to school for a better life.”
I can hear what he’s saying, but inside I’m reliving Brad’s rejection when I told him I was leaving Paisley Creek. He basically told me the show was more important than my own mental health, and we should stay together for the publicity. Didn’t even make an effort to promise he’d stop cheating on me, that bastard.
My eyes are brimming with tears I don’t even need to hold in. My character and I are experiencing the same emotions in this minute. They slip out, trailing down my cheeks, and the painful knot in my chest spreads, pressing down on me, trying to steal my breath.
My voice wavers, brimming with real pain. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“Yes, Willow. I can’t be with you if I’m not your priority.”
The rage and grief I’ve been keeping bottled up spills out with my lines. “Because I care about my family? That’s enlightening. Thank you so much for letting me see who you truly are. Thank you for proving me right, because Iwas starting to believe your lies. That I’m not enough. Not worthy of your love, or anybody else’s, for that matter. Thank you. But also? Fuck you. Fuck you for trying to make me feel smaller, lesser than you. All because I’ve got different dreams than you do, and because my family is my priority at the moment. This was very helpful.”
I step forward on shaky legs. “Because you know what the truth is? You’re the asshole. You’re the one with the problem. If you can’t see the importance of family ties, I feel sad for you.”
My vision is starting to blur at the edges and at the same time the lighting is stabbing into my eyeballs. Every rustle from the camera crew, the singing of the insects in the evening, hooves in the distance. It’s all sharp, loud, tearing at my senses. I’m on high alert, anticipating the next part of the scene.
The porch swing rocks violently back as he leaps up, stalking toward me. I back up, trembling and breathing hard.
“You think you’re so much better than me? Living here with the Sterlings? Face it, Willow. You don’t belong here. They’re not your real family. You’d be better off coming with me. But now that I think about it, I’ll find someone better. Better than you or Chelsea. She was fun once in a while, but neither of you is worth my time.”
“You slept with Chelsea?” This is where the hurt doubles down on me, mirroring reality. Betrayal by a boyfriend and a friend all at the same time.
He looks at me with a mix of pity and malice. “Oh, you didn’t know? I thought everyone did.”
It feels like the air is being squeezed out of my lungs, and I can’t catch a breath as he backs me up against the side of the house. He reaches up to run a finger down my damp cheek. “Poor Willow. Doesn’t belong anywhere.”
He doesn’t budge as I shove at him. Just laughs.
“Get away from me. Please. Leave.”
His hands come up to grip my wrists, and the panic sets in for real. He bends down, pressing his lips to mine, and my squirming and struggling is real. I can’t handle this. It’s too much.
I go limp as soon as he lets go, sliding down the wall and dropping my head onto my knees as I try to catch my breath.
“Goodbye, Willow,” he calls out over his shoulder as he walks away.
