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Starting the car, I pulled away, and I swear, a piece of me ripped off when I left her behind.
Feeling numb inside, I drove to Evan’s. He was the only one who knew what I was going through, the only one who could really help me. Parking the car, I stared up at his quiet apartment. For a moment, I let myself feel envious of Evan’s life. And Matt’s, and Griffin’s. Looking from the outside, their lives seemed so simple, so easy. I knew that wasn’t really the case though; they each had their issues. If my life had taught me anything, it was that no one’s life was as simple as it appeared on the surface. Everyone had crap to deal with. That was what bonded the entire human race: pain…and love.
So Evan would hear me, I firmly knocked on his door a few times. It was so early in the morning, I really should have driven around, given him time to wake up, but…I needed him. I didn’t want to be alone right now.
It took several minutes, but eventually I heard his door unlocking. A second later, it cracked open and Evan’s cringing face appeared. “Kell? What are you doing here?”
“I need your help. Kiera and I…” My gaze dropped to the ground. How in the hell was I going to say goodbye to her? “We’re…it’s not going to last. I want to give her something, before it ends. I want to write her a song.”
Evan pushed the door open and stepped away so I could enter. “Whatever you need, Kell.”
I knew he wasn’t thrilled about our union, but I appreciated that he was putting our friendship before his morals. Of course, I had just told him we were ending things. His response might have been different if I’d told him I was going to ask her to marry me.
God…now there was a thought…
One I couldn’t let myself have. Marriage wasn’t in our future.
Evan was yawning when I entered the living room portion of his loft. “You can go back to bed,” I told him. “I’m just going to sit here and work on lyrics.”
He raised his hand in acknowledgment, then walked over to his bed in the corner and collapsed on top of it. I watched the bulk of his chest rising and falling for a moment, then looked around for paper. I needed this to be good. My final song for my failed romance. I had to tell her everything I felt for her, while also telling her goodbye. It was a tricky line to walk, and one I really didn’t want to be walking.
I could change my mind…ask her to pick me…fight for her. Why? I immediately thought after that revelation. She wouldn’t choose me, and I would be asking her to destroy a man who had been like a brother to me.
No, she would leave me faster than I could blink if I forced her to choose, and that was why I had to do this…to let her know it was okay, that I understood. I wasn’t good enough for her. I never was.
Sitting down on the couch with a pad of paper and a pencil, I began writing down my love, my loss, my grief, and my acceptance: It’s better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie.
Evan woke back up a few hours later. Shuffling over to the couch, he picked up a couple of loose sheets I’d torn off and laid out. I was trying to shuffle through the painful words, find the right combination. His eyes scanned the page of one, then he peeked over at me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, his voice completely serious.
I held his gaze. “Yes.”
With a sigh, he set the paper down. “Kellan, I know you’re hurting, and I know this thing between you two was intense, but…if you sing this…at Pete’s…everyone is going to know—”
I cut him off with a shake of my head. “This is for Kiera. I want her to hear it. I don’t care about anyone else. I’ll never care about anyone else,” I whispered.
Evan put a hand on my shoulder. “I know this is hard, and I know it feels that way, but I promise—”
Shrugging off his hand, I stood up. “No, you don’t know how this feels. She wasn’t some cute blonde shaking her ass at the bar who I decided to hook up with one night because I liked the way her shirt showed off her tits. We were friends who fell in love. You couldn’t possibly know what I’m feeling right now, because you’ve never had a connection that deep. You fall for skanks, then you brush them aside when you get bored of them.”
Brows furrowed, Evan stood up too. “Hey, not all of those girls were skanks.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and Evan frowned. “Well, you don’t have to be such an asshole about it.”
A small laugh escaped me, and I clapped his shoulder. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I just…this fucking sucks. I wish I’d fallen for a skank. I’m actually quite jealous of you.”
Evan gave me a wide smile. “As you should be.” His smile slowly faded as he looked back down at the paper. “Okay, I’ll help you with this. But it needs to be subtler, Kellan. It needs to look like you’re singing a song that could be about anyone. It needs to look fake.”
I nodded. “And sound real. I know.” Shaking my head, I raised my hands. “That’s why I came to you.”
Evan nodded and sat back down. I looked his way as I joined him. “Thank you for doing this, and I’m sure you already figured this out, but don’t let the other guys know what this song is really about, please?”
Evan gave me a lopsided smile. “Don’t worry about that. They’ll just think I talked you into writing a song about one of my misguided love affairs with a skank.” He let out a laugh, then turned and socked me in the shoulder, hard. I cringed as my shoulder started throbbing.
“Ow! What the fuck was that for?”
“Skank,” he muttered, shaking his head. “You’re an asshole.”
Rubbing my arm, I nodded, then laughed. “Yeah, I know I am.”
Writing a song took time. Sometimes, it took a lot of time. But I didn’t have a lot of time. Every second, I was conscious of the fact that I was sacrificing moments with Kiera to do this. But I had to. I had to have this ready to go for when it was finally time to part ways. For good. And that could be any day now. It all depended on Denny, and how quickly he started piecing things together. The clock ticking in my brain was not helping with my creative process.
Evan stayed home with me, and we worked long into the night. I fell asleep on the couch, covered in music sheets and mutilated lyrics. The next day, I woke up early and attacked it again. My eyes ached, my fingers were sore, my brain was fried, but I kept at it until we had to leave for a show we were playing downtown. After the show, I crashed at Evan’s again so I could fall asleep working on it and resume the second I woke up. The quicker I finished this, the quicker I could return to Kiera.
By Thursday afternoon, it was done and ready for the band to practice. Evan and I let out a long exhale of relief when it was completed. Looking over at me, Evan muttered, “It’s been fun, but let’s not ever do this again, okay?” Laughing, I nodded. No, writing a song, setting it to music, and memorizing how to perform it all in the span of a few days was not something I wanted to make a habit of. It had turned out good though. The song was well worthy of Kiera.
When Matt and Griffin came over, we began playing the song. I wanted the guys to know it well enough that we could include it in the lineup at a moment’s notice. I had a feeling there wouldn’t be much warning when it came time to play it. Practice went longer than usual, and Griffin was getting cranky and willful, so we called it a night. As Matt and Griffin headed out to Pete’s, Evan clapped my shoulder. “You want to go tonight? Get some fresh air?”
I debated what I wanted to do. Seeing Kiera was a great option, an almost undeniable draw, but there was something else I wanted. A song was only part of my goodbye. “No, there’s something else I need to do tonight. Want to help me with one last thing?”
Evan sighed, but nodded. “Sure, man. What are we doing?”
Knowing he wouldn’t expect my answer, I crooked a grin. “We’re going shopping.”
Evan closed his eyes. “Shit.” I was laughing when he cracked an eye open. “You realize how much you owe me, right?”
I clapped him on the back as I stood up. “Yes, I’m basically your bitch for the next year.”
“Damn right, you are,” he muttered as he stood up and grabbed his coat. “All right, let’s do this.” On his way out the door, he tossed out, “I’m driving the Chevelle though.”
“Fuck that,” I answered. Nobody drove my baby but me.
Smiling, Evan turned to me with an outstretched hand. “You owe me, remember?”
My jaw dropped. “Serious?” He made no reaction, just smiled wider. With a frown, I reached into my coat and grabbed my keys. Feeling like I was handing over my firstborn, I placed them in his palm. “We’re now even,” I murmured.
Evan laughed as he clenched his fingers around the keys. “Ah, Kell, we’re not even close to being even yet.”
He was chuckling as he sauntered down to my car. Chuckling! This was going to hurt almost as much as what I had to buy…
With white knuckles, I had Evan drive us to the mall. He groaned as he pulled into the parking garage. I groaned at how fast he was taking the corners. “You know a car could fly down the path and cream us any second, right?”
