I miss you both already
My heart.
My poor, stupid, defenseless heart that hasalwaysbelonged to him.
I don’t stand a chance.
Chapter 17
Kendall
Thisistoofuckingnuanced and layered to try and disentangle. Too difficult to distill this thing between us down to its very essence. And yet when I try to do just that, it’s actually quite simple, at least on its face. On the surface, we’re two people who used to love each other a long time ago. And now we have a child together. For better or worse, we’re tethered for life.
And what the hell are we supposed to do with that?
We aren’t the first people to muddle our way through co-parenting. I’m not even really worried about what Kai would be like as a dad or trying to split time between the both of us. Kai was always meant to be a father—I know this in my bones. It’s the things that lurk below the surface that worry me…like our complicated past and shared history. I’m more concerned about the way my heart starts to tap dance whenever he’s around, the way my breath hitches whenever he hugs me, the pure weightlessness I feel when I earn a smile or laugh from him. Those feelings are dangerous. All consuming. Impossible to ignore. Because even if they’re mutual, even if he feels the exactsame way I do, I don’t deserve the reciprocity. And I’m certain we could never work again, no matter how badly I want us to. I’m convinced I’m not worth the time, the effort, the eventual pain, and ultimately, the heartache. I haven’t deserved him since the day I walked out on him.
And a darker smaller part of me, the part I always try and fail to silence, whispers,You never deserved him in the first place.
I need a second opinion on this entire situation. I need help navigating this mess I’ve created. I need, I need…I honestly have no clue what I need. But I think I know someone who will. The only other person I’ve known as long as I’ve known Kai is Jenna. The three of us used to be really close growing up. Until Kai and I started dating. Suddenly, a memory comes online, the first time Jenna ever gave me dating advice about Kai.
I know Kai disagreed with my answer just to get a rise out of me. I haven’t talked to him in over a week and left all his texts on read. I just need some distance from him. I guess this is his way of trying to communicate with me. He would rather publicly argue than go without speaking.
I quickly follow after him when the bell rings and pull him aside.
“What the hell was that?” I demand, getting in his face.
“What?” he says. I wish he would wipe that smug look off his face.
“That. Coming at me in Whitheim’s class. You hate him and that class and I have never seen you willingly raise your hand to answer a question,” I shoot back, annoyed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s absolute bullshit.”
“I asserted an opinion that was different from yours. I didn’t come at you. But that hasn’t ended well for me in the past.”
Crossing my arms I respond, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Having an idea or opinion that is different from yours or different than the one you want to hear.”
“I can’t do this with you right now,” I decide.
“You approached me, Kendall,” he states, his shadowed eyes zeroing in on me intensely.
Right as I turn to leave, he grabs my arm and spins me towards him. He is so close his breath tickles my lips. And all I can think about is kissing his stupid beautiful face. “We are going to do this right now. I’m sick of thinking about you and dreaming about you and wanting to talk to you but not being able to talk to you. It iskillingme.”
“Do you know how hard I have to work to actively stop my brain from thinking about you? Do you understand what it’s like for me to care about you as much as I do only to be rejected?” I practically yell. I can feel myself starting to lose my temper and I refuse to give him the satisfaction.
“I didn’t reject you,” he answers quietly.
“Well, you didn’t want to be with me and you have never honestly told me how you feel. So, what would you call that?” I question, glaring at him.
“Well, I’m not rejecting you now,” he explains. We’re interrupted at the most inopportune time by Jenna.
“Are you two finally talking again?” she asks, gesturing between us.
“Barely,” I respond through gritted teeth. Kai looks disappointed but not shocked. I can tell he’s satisfied with himself having baited me into a conversation. But it’s going to take a lot more than that to fix what is broken in our friendship. Relationship? Situationship? I don’t even know anymore. But the charged energy between us is undeniable. I would gladly rip his face off along with his clothes.
